People expect me to rip on priests since I attended church as well as Catholic high school, but in fact, most of the priests I know and have known have been really outstanding characters—most of all, a few became some of my closest and funniest friends. Here are a few quotes, stories and exchanges from some of my favorite men of the cloth.
Father Tom Kramer – One of my childhood priests, an old white-haired guy
"Don't waste your time praying or asking me to pray for the Vikings to win the Super Bowl. God doesn't have limits, but my patience does. And God has better things to do."
Father Vetter – One of my high school teachers, a young guy with glasses
"I can talk about the Bible, Jesus, or church stuff all day long and none of you care. But once I start talking about Satan, then your ears perk up."
"My nephew likes to drink Holy Water. I tried to think of an appropriate lie to make him stop. Because even though it's blessed by a priest and it's holy, people put their hands in there! You don't know where people's hands have been! So eventually I told him the Holy Water will cause his tummy to bubble if he's been eating candy. I figured, he'd either stop eating candy or stop drinking Holy Water. Either way, I'm pretty smart."
"It's a fallacy that the Catholic faith teaches its people to dislike Jewish people, Protestants, or black people. Jesus, God, everybody, and I love and accept everybody no matter race, color or creed. But, honestly, Mormons are weird."
Vetter: On Sundays, you're not really supposed to do work. Don't make cabinets, study, or anything that feels like work.
Kid: So how are we supposed to finish homework if we can't study on Sunday?
Vetter: Study on Saturday.
Kid: Well then when can we party?
Vetter: Duh. Sunday!
Father Richter – Another high school teacher, a young guy but bald
Remember this, Young Casey: Israel is just where Jesus was born. Ireland's the real Holy Land."You guys might not know this, but Father Vetter puts this turpentine stuff on his armpits so he doesn't sweat profusely all day."
"I knew God had a sense of humor when I started balding at fifteen."
Father Richter grew up on a farm and one day had an accident which cost him his thumb. Sometimes as he taught he'd carry a rosary and pray the beads. Sometimes he'd carry his severed thumb which was now black and leathery. If you weren't paying attention…he'd throw his thumb at you and yell, "CATCH!" After witnessing this or even hearing about it, nobody ever slept in his class again.
"Oh, you guys think you're real hardasses. I was a four-time state champion wrestler. I can still kick your asses without breaking a sweat."
Richter (talking to KC): Okay, Romeo, what do you like to do on dates?
KC: I dunno. Dinner and a movie.
Richter: That's a terrible date idea!
KC: What are you talking about?
Richter: Have you ever watched somebody eat? It's revolting! And what if the movie stinks? She'll always remember you're the sloppy slob who likes boring movies.
KC: Oh yeah? Well what do you know about dating and chicks?
Richter: I wadn't always a priest….
"I heard KC's confession, or I should say I heard the demons screaming in pain when he walked out of confessional as he was forgiven. Or maybe that's just because it took so long."
Unknown Old Priest
"So I separated these two boys from fighting. I asked what started this skirmish. One boy had spat on the other. I told the one boy who was spat upon to keep on fighting if he wanted. Sure, turn the other cheek and all that. But not when somebody spits on you."
Father O'Grady – My priest during a big hospital visit
"Casey Freeman is a good Irish name. But remember this, Young Casey: Israel is just where Jesus was born. Ireland's the real Holy Land."
Father John – A Visiting Priest
"There's a lot of talk about priests like me fantasizing about molesting little boys. You know what I fantasize about, besides the Holy Trinity? Playing shortstop for the Yankees."
Sister Bonny – A college professor (not a priest, but a nun, whatevs)
"KC, I like the way you hate most literature. Yet you have such a fondness for Voltaire's Candide. He was his generation's Eminem you know."
Father McGuire – My collegiate priest and great friend in NYC
"We priests end up doing more charity work for weddings than we do in the soup kitchen. And the soup kitchen people are nicer."
"You think that the Protestant and Catholic division in whiskey is just a myth. Let me tell you something. The Protestants forbid Catholics from working in their distilleries, on their docks, and in their bottling plants. But we had our own whiskey—Jameson. And it was and is infinitely better than Bushmills. So when you drink Jameson, you drink to all of yours and my ancestors who toughed it out and boycotted Bushmills."
"KC, Jesus loves you, you know that right? I love you too, you know that too? And from what I hear, it sounds like half of the girls in New York love you as well."