I stopped paying attention to the upcoming election nonsense my country is currently puking onto the world. I guess I just grew tired of listening to a bunch of people try to prove they're the least sleazy liar with a bunch of money to burn and egos that know no limit.
Obama has yet to impress me with anything except for his ability not to talk like a complete moron. Either way you look at him, he's either the best or the worst president of the millennium. Who should be the next president? I could run this shit.
If dipsticks like Michelle Bachmann, Joe Biden, and just about everybody out there with a campaign and a dream can run, why not me? So I decided to throw my proverbial baseball cap into the ring as the big boss of the country. I figured, why the hell not?
Since my announcement, the press has been all over my ass. So here is my last interview that both the liberal and conservative media is keeping from the eyes and ears of the good people of the country, and world.
PRESS: Good afternoon, Mr. Freeman. How are you today?
KC: Just call me KC. I'm not bad, I'm trying to remember why I watched Wrath of the Titans in 3D last night, but I'm drawing a blank. I may have been still drunk from last night, or so hungover I couldn't make correct decisions. Either or.
Let gay people spend their hard-earned cash in the most wasteful way possible: a wedding. PRESS: Off the bat you just said you were too intoxicated to make a proper decision. Do you think this would hurt your chances of being the most powerful man in the world?
KC: Not really. I make good decisions from time to time. Like eating frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. Not masturbating in my office. Buying an electric toothbrush. Everybody makes a crappy choice from time to time. Plus, I don't have a ton of advisors telling me what to do. The important part about making decisions is to make them, then stick with them.
PRESS: So what are your platforms?
KC: The American Dream. People work and buy stuff. They are happy and stuff.
PRESS: Care to be more specific?
KC: Not really. Why don't you ask some better questions? I'm a busy dude.
PRESS: What are your views on the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq?
KC: We're still there? That's been what, 11 years? Fuck ‘em. Let's leave.
PRESS: What about the oil?
KC: Fuck it. Let's invent something else to drive cars with and make plastic and whatever else. We've had cars for only 100 years, we can design something better. It's the American way. Or the German way. Either or. Also, it's 2012. We should have flying cars that run on biodegradable garbage. And hoverboards. Both appeared in Back to the Future 2. To give up on those dreams is purely un-American.
PRESS: Gay marriage?
KC: Just let them get married. It's not going to affect me personally either way. Maybe wedding chapel rentals and bridal dress companies will make a lot more money. Because if there's one thing I know about gay people, it's that they spend money like everybody else in the world. So, let them spend their hard-earned cash in the most wasteful way possible: a wedding.
PRESS: You're not worried about the religious backlash?
KC: Nope. People can have their religions and their own rules and all that, but I don't think the government should have anything to do with religion, and religions shouldn't have anything to do with the national government. If your religion or cult wants to take over a city and vote for stuff the way you see fit, go for it.
PRESS: You're going to make a lot of people really mad with these statements.
KC: Tough shit. Jesus made a lot of people mad. So did Buddha and Muhammad. Nobody is ever going to agree about anything, so let's agree to disagree, live peacefully, and shut up. I have my religious beliefs, but I don't see the point of annoying somebody else with them.
PRESS: What's your view on drugs?
KC: There are too many of them. I think every middle schooler, high schooler, and college student who thinks it's okay to do drugs should go down and visit the effed-up-for-life-addicts at the needle exchange or the Salvation Army or the US Post Office to see what a lifetime of drugs can do to your body.
That being said, I think weed should be legal. I think if you are over the age of 21, you should be able to get a prescription for some government-certified marijuana. I mean, people are going to smoke anyway, the government might as well make some money out of it. And it will put drug dealers out of business. Because honestly, those dudes are shady.
On top of that, decriminalize mushrooms and LSD. I wouldn't legalize it, but people do that anyway, so why not? And usually only college kids and rock stars do that shit. We don't want our nation's youths and musicians to be boring and never have a life experience, do we?
I think it's time we start colonizing other planets. And by we, I mean, a bunch of hot chicks and me.However, I'd keep cocaine, heroin, crack, and crystal meth under even stricter rules. While I think weed can be mostly harmless and fun, those effing drugs ruin people's lives big time. I've yet to see a good reason to do any of those narcotics. And with the money we save from busting small-time pot dealers and smokers, we can use that to throw skeezy coke emperors into the clink for a long time. Also, selling drugs to kids would be a castration-level offense.
PRESS: You're really considering castration for drug dealing to children?
KC: Yup.
PRESS: You do realize that's banned under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment Amendment, the Eighth Amendment. Right?
KC: I don't care. The guys who wrote the Constitution a million years ago hadn't seen the tragic shit that happens to children and families because of some of these drugs. I think publicly televised neutering would stop this stupid problem right away. Same same with child rape, child prostitution and the rest of the effed-up sex shit people do to kids. There just aren't good excuses not to take off someone's balls for these inexcusable acts.
PRESS: How about abortion and birth control?
KC: It's not like our species is going to die out soon. Let people do what they want to their own bodies. I sure as shit don't want to take care of, or pay to take care of, somebody else's unwanted brats.
PRESS: The space program?
KC: Honestly, I think it's time we start colonizing other planets. And by we, I mean, a bunch of hot chicks and me.
PRESS: Health insurance?
KC: I think it should be impossible to deny insurance to anybody and insurance should be affordable but not required. If you don't want to pay for it, well, that's your stupid choice. But I think a cap at $50 a month is good enough for regular people. But, if you're a smoker, a fat ass, or a crazy driver, you should pay a shitload more.
PRESS: Education?
KC: I think school should be challenging, as well as worthwhile. My generation, whatever the crap we're calling ourselves now, is proof that education doesn't really mean shit unless you do something creative with it. And if you're not smart enough to know that an education is usually the best way to get a job and get on with your life, well, again, tough shit. If you're not going to try to be something or somebody, I don't think the government needs to hold your hand and help you because you're too stupid, lazy, or selfish to get your ass to work and or school.
PRESS: Foreign policy?
KC: Improve it however we can.
PRESS: Global warming?
KC: I don't know. Find some way to fix it. I'm not a scientist.
PRESS: Teaching evolution in schools?
KC: I learned both evolution and sort-of intelligent design. But I went to a Catholic high school. If a private school wants to teach intelligent design or 2012 Mayan calendars or Zeus and the rest of the Parthenon, go for it. I'm not, and the government won't pay for it.
PRESS: Any other big changes you'd like to make?
KC: I'd like the English language to evolve a little and we can finally just say "media" as a singular verb and "medias" as a plural verb. I think it's really nitpicky and annoying.
PRESS: And my final question is, you know you have to be 35 years old to run for president, right?
KC: Really? Fuck. Well, shit. If I'm elected president, I'll change that law too. Thanks for the interview.
PRESS: Thanks for wasting everybody's time.