(Scene: KC wakes up in a dark room.)
KC: Wow Brain, you really outdid yourself with that last dream.
JUNK: No kidding. Nicely done good sir.
KC: I mean, me knife fighting Godzilla while getting a blowjob from The Little Mermaid while AC/DC plays in the background. That's just incredible. Where do you come up with that stuff?
BRAIN: Well, I'm just good I guess.
JUNK: I like the blowjob part the best. We should try to get a real one again pretty soon.
KC: Noted.
EYES: Wow it's dark. Where are we?
KC: Shut up. So, Brain, what's the deal with that other part of the dream. You know, the one where we're in a hospital almost paralyzed with all these tubes and shit sticking out of us? That fucking sucked. Thank God that's not real.
JUNK: I've got razor blades in my urethra. What's a boner going to do?
BRAIN: Um. About that. Eyes, open up and focus.
EYES: What the fuck? What is all this crap? Are we seriously in a hospital?
KC: No fucking way. This is real? Brain, what's the deal?
BRAIN: Remember, we were supposed to go swimming, we took a dive, hit something, broke our neck, almost died three times, your friends came over and you told them you loved them and cried?
KC: Seriously? C'mon. This is just a shitty part of the dream right? Let's go back to the part where I'm getting a knobber from Ariel.
MEKANECK: Oh good crap! Please oh please oh please oh please push the Magic Button! Dear lord it hurts so bad!
KC: Fuckin' my neck hurts. And who the fuck is this guy?
BRAIN: That's our new metal neck. He's made of titanium. He's usually pretty cool, but right now, we can feel the holes drilled into our vertebrate. It hurts.
MEKANECK: Please! I know I'm the new guy, but please push it. This sucks so hard.
BRAIN: For crying out loud Hands, push the button.
(Hands fumbles with something. The television turns on.)
BRAIN: That's the remote control idiot. Push the magic button.
HANDS: This is so hard. Are we drunk?
EYES: The Food Network sucks when you're not high.
MEKANECK: Guys, I'm not kidding. I feel like an alligator's gnawing on me.
HANDS: Here it is.
(Hands pushes the morphine plunger.)
MEKANECK: Oh man, it still hurts, how long until it starts to…
KC: Wow. That guy's a little bitch. You'd think somebody made from titanium would be ten times cooler.
JUNK: Wait a second. Guys. Something is NOT right. Seriously. What the fuck is in me? I swear, I've worn condoms the last how many times we've had sex. There's no way we've got an STD. What the hell is inside me? This isn't right and I want fucking answers right fucking now!
KC: Holy crap! Is that a catheter?
JUNK: No. Please no. Pull it out.
(Hands touches catheter.)
HANDS: It feels like a frozen garden hose.
JUNK: DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THAT! EVER! USE THAT MAGIC BUTTON THING!
BRAIN: It's on a timed release. You have 14 minutes and 37 seconds left.
JUNK: Fuck that. Break it and snort that stuff. This is not cool.
KC: Dude, there are way too many machines. I don't know which one is which.
JUNK: Call the nurse and tell her to shoot you. I don't want to live anymore.
KC: We could have a hot nurse.
JUNK: Big deal. I've got razor blades in my urethra. What's a boner going to do?
KC: I don't know man. We have to make the best of this.
BRAIN: Wow, so this is morphine. It really kind of sucks.
KC: Yeah. I thought this was supposed to be the bestest stuff on the planet. It's lame.
BRAIN: It's probably schwag morphine. The doctors probably keep the good stuff for themselves.
KC: Knowing my insurance company, it's probably McCormick's vodka. I should call Golddust, he always has the best drugs.
BRAIN: At least Mekaneck shut the hell up.
KC: Do you think they'll let us smoke weed in here?
BRAIN: Do we even have weed?
KC: No, but that's not the point. So what the hell else is wrong with us?
BRAIN: We have two different IVs, a catheter, a breathing tube, a feeding tube, something in our nose and these balloon pants that inflate and deflate to keep us from getting blood clots in our legs that could turn into aneurisms.
KC: Wow. So this is kind of serious, huh?
BRAIN: I guess so. That doctor starts talking and we just hit the button and laugh at his nose.
KC: Noses are pretty funny.
BRAIN: The good news is I didn't get a concussion, so I'm still fine.
KC: Well, congrats to you. Pudstain. So are we paralyzed at all?
BRAIN: Nope. We're totally ready to rock. Sort of. The doctor said something about losing strength in our arms, never being able to look to the sides and being in massive recovery pain. So the outlook is pretty good.
KC: That outlook sucks.
BRAIN: We get time off of work though. Sterny and Leah brought us Lord of the Rings DVDs too. Then there's the Valium and every day they have carrot cake. That's pretty cool.
EARS: Hey! I hear somebody talking to the left of us. Look to see who it is.
(KC tries to turn; nothing happens.)
BRAIN: Ha ha! We've been getting you with that joke for three days now.
KC: Oh wow, that's a douchebag move. I'm asking for a lobotomy. You know, when I relearn how to talk.
EYES: Holy smokes! There's a giant face in front of me!
BRAIN: Yeah, that's our Mom you dickhead. Hands, wave to the lady.
(Hands waves lazily.)
KC: I kind of feel guilty. Now I'm a burden on her. This isn't cool at all. After we break out of this hospital, she's not going to have to, you know, wipe our butt or anything gross like that, is she?
BRAIN: If it comes to that, I'll release the cyanide tablet the FBI put inside of me as they operated on you.
KC: Oh cool. Did they put a computer chip in you as well?
BRAIN: I just made that stuff up. This morphine is screwing with me.
KC: Crap. Did anything good happen out of this?
BRAIN: Besides the outpouring of love from your friends, family and people you don't even know? That I've realized money and power don't mean shit when you're looking down the tunnel of death—three times? Or how about the fact that you're alive and still breathing? Is that "cool" enough for you?
EYES: Hey look! Karate Kid II is on!
KC: Drum Punch!
END
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