The last time I was online trying to give pound puppies to unadopted orphans, I came across an advertisement for the MySpace of Sex. It was just another adult site with professional porn stars posed in low res photos to make them look like your hotter-than-average-everyday amateur. But what if there really was a MySpace of Sex….
Sex is easier to come by when everybody understands that EVERY night is casual night.Recently, I constructed a view of Facebook if it dealt with sex, so I thought I'd go ahead and imagine SexSpace: A Place For Friends…With Benefits.
First off, everybody would fuck this Tom guy who invented the site. He's like the strip club owner who “tests” all the dancers before they hit the stage. Every morning he'd probably take a hammer and chisel to scrape the VD off his dick. Even though you might be able to un-friend him, everybody knows he's everybody's first.
Now you have to decide what type of SexSpace user you want to be. Do you want to be the exclusive and prissy too-good-for-you type with only a few close friends? Or do you want to just close your eyes, bend over, and let anybody with two legs, crutches, or really impressive balance for a one-legged person mix juices with you?
If you've actually checked your real MySpace account in the past few years you'll see that most of your friend requests are of really attractive-looking girls that end up being either Internet scammers, porn sites, or pay-for-sex things. So I guess that won't change for SexSpace.
Next, make sure your potential MySpace sex partners are who they say they are. You don't want to set up a naked-romance evening with a young, sweet-assed blonde, only to find out she's actually an old, sweaty pederast. So you should look closely to make sure the photo wasn't taken in the 1990s or is actually the person's face superimposed onto Dora the Explora's delectable body.
Heavy metal means she's probably a whore that likes to get smacked around. Emo indie music means she doesn't like to have sex.Then there are all the suggestions. SexSpace proposes a few people that you should be friends with, but usually the website wants you to be friends with the friends of friends you can't stand, or exes that you banned from your page because they want to bury an axe in your face or because you “accidentally” locked them in the basement while Clay Aiken's Christmas CD was on “Repeat.”
Fucking somebody from SexSpace is like logging into MySpace proper: you never know what virus is going to linger around your sexual organs or computer for the rest of your days. Plus, everybody will know you logged in, which is always a pain in the ass, especially from that girl who says, “I know you were online. Why didn't you contact me? We could have talked about unicorns or my how big of a bitch my mom is.”
The comment section, photos, and possible videos of the MySpace of Sex will be interesting, but more informative will be how they personalize their profile. What kind of music does she think describes her? Rap probably means she's a whore that likes to shake her ass. A catchy pop song means she's a young whore. Heavy metal means she's probably a whore that likes to get smacked around during sex. Emo indie music means she doesn't like to have sex, but prefers to just sit around in coffee shops talking about how awkward and ironic intercourse actually is.
Are there stars, glitter, or something shiny in the background? I don't know a snappy joke for this, but maybe that person isn't epileptic—which is good if you like to fuck while watching “Pokemon” reruns. Or maybe you want to find somebody to seizure while you're porking them—maybe that's cool for contractions or something.
Do your MySpace of Sex friends post photos of themselves as their wallpaper? That either means they're really boring, or they're the type of person who does their hair before morning sex or watches their own image in the mirror as they fuck.
Now it's time to check their “Top 8, 16, 29 or whatever.” Who's got the top spot? Spouse? Significant other? Best friend? Current favorite fuck buddy? Person with the biggest cock/smallest vagina? And God forbid you don't include your current bang-mate as your number one in your Top 8—even if you are banging more than one person at the same time.
You'd also get the most asinine bulletins from people you kind of like, bands you like and celebrities you pretend to know…but all the bulletins are sex related. “I'm going to listen to Journey's ‘Don't Stop Believing' during my daily trip blowing hobos under the bridge.” “I'm pregnant again…who wants to live out a fetish???” “Please check out my blog about how I felt really bad about the fat kid at the orgy. It's just as moving as my last piece about the death of the you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-scratch-your-penis-with-a-fish-hook movement.”
The most important thing to check out can also be the scariest, most boring or informative: your potential mate's blog.
Have you found long, drawn-out journals about everyday crap like trips to the grocery store? Well, that person is going to talk your ear off—with or without proper grammar and English. Is someone using their MySpace of Sex friends to test their stand-up comedy routines or Tucker Max-esque stories about going onto J-Date pretending to be Edward Norton from American History X? That person probably sucks. Do you read one self-promoting blog after the other about this or that event? That writer is definitely an attention whore…or me.
If he/she is writing poems with lines like, “I'm just not complete without you—I'm a giant gaping hole with nowhere to go,” that person definitely likes to be choked during sex. Don't worry about hurting them, they're not thinking about you anyway—she/he reserves those brainwaves for an abusive, never-to-be-forgotten ex.
The true ugliness of MySpace is the way-too-much information floating around everywhere. Does a girl say she's a squirter? Does a guy announce he cries before, during and after sex? Is he or she the type of person who gets so comfortable in a two-night stand that they want you to crap with the door open and carry on conversations with them? It might be good to know if that kind of stuff grosses you out. But as you know, one person's turnoff is another person's spank bank material.
How about the hit counter? Would SexSpace's hit tracker translate to how many times you've been banged? How many other people have banged you? How many people have banged themselves while thinking of you?
And that's pretty much the gist of SexSpace. Stay tuned next time when I talk about the Friendster of Sex…and make jokes about Napster, Zunes and the XFL.
Your only options now? Let Tom know you want him to be more than just a Top 8 friend.