Weekly Drunk Text: Dude, Jenny and this girl she just met also doing amateur night are sitting next to me and comparing vaginal lips. I shit you not. -Bones
Let's face it. At 28 years old, I'm no spring chicken. It's probably time for me to settle down with a beautiful Mrs. Freeman.
I'm looking for her, but not in the conventional places such as bars, street corners, churches or adult bookstores. No no no. I'm going to look for my dream bride-to-be in my three favorite places: science fiction, fantasy and cartoons. These worlds are packed fuller than Mario's overalls with potential lucky ladies.
Meet the candidates:
"Nobody will ever love you like Miss Piggy. You know she's got to be a demon in the sack."10. Jade: Green Lantern Corps – Jade is the daughter of the first Green Lantern. She's green. She can fly me around town so I'll never need to drive. She wields the universe's most powerful weapon. Did I mention she has green skin?
9. Scaphandra: Aeon Flux – Imagine what a girl with four hands could do…. She could probably cook two meals at once!
8. Peresphone: (Monica Bellucci) The Matrix Reloaded – Technically, she's not a woman, but a computer program. A computer program with big, delicious boobies. Yep. That's pretty much the criteria at this point. (Her downside: pickledick French boyfriend.)
7. Arwen: (Liv Tyler) Lord of the Rings – Arwen is so absolutely gorgeous she glows. She speaks a magical, musical language. She'd give up immortality for ME! Super duper added bonuses: pointy ears and probably has lots of money.
6. Cheetara: ThunderCats – If you were a young lad during the 1980s and this was NOT your first crush, there's something seriously wrong with you, brother. I'd spread catnip all over myself for Cheetara. She's furry, she's covered in spots, and she wears a hot orange unitard. On top of that, she can tolerate WilyKit, WilyKat and Snarf. Putting up with those dipsticks would definitely prepare her my friends.
5. Oola the Twi'Lek dancer: Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi – From birth this humanoid alien is taught how to please her man, or men. Allegedly the twin tentacle hair thingies are supposed to enhance sexual pleasure. Red Five Bonus: She's quiet.
4. Non-Screwed Up 26-Year-Old Britney Spears: "Completely Impossible Alternate Reality" – What if Britney attended to college, learned how to speak complete sentences, won awards for class and maintained her hotness. I can process talking cat-people and reality-bending aliens but not a charming, collected version of Britney.
3. Miss Piggy: The Muppets – Okay, so she is a little tubby, has an upturned nose and hooves for feet, but nobody will ever love you like Miss Piggy. Have you seen the deeds she's done to keep Kermit? It's truly romantic. Plus, you know she's got to be a demon in the sack. And, um, don't ask me why I know this.
2. Tigra: The Avengers – The second feline-person on my list of possible mates, which is crazy since I hate cats with all four chambers of my heart. I don't know why, but girls that shed, cough hairballs and crap in cardboard boxes just turn me on. Tigra is better than Cheetara because she has stripes instead of spots, won't answer to her real name (Greer Grant), and only wears a very tight bikini.
1. Mystique: The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants – This is a bullshit choice, but honestly, she can be anybody she wants to be. One night she's Jenna Jameson, then tomorrow she's Marilyn Monroe. Mystique could be both Simpson sisters, every Pussycat Doll and all the Golden Girls! I'd never get bored.
Girls not on my list:
1. Smurfette: The Smurfs – Look, I'm sure she must have some sort of sexual prowess to keep an entire village of males satisfied, but honestly I don't want Papa Smurf's sloppy seconds. Or Grumpy Smurf's sloppy Smurf-millionths.
2. Death – It would be cool to date "The Lady of Fate." She's got a skull face! But get drunk, screw off with your friends, annoy her and if she's PMS-ing – you die.
3. Three-booby hooker: Total Recall – Two boobs are enough for this guy.
4. Sil: Species – Okay, she looks like a hot chick, but really she's an alien octopus that eats you. Baby Daddy Drawback: she also wants to have sex for the sole purpose of conception. No thanks.
5. Any Vulcan: Star Trek – No emotions = dead fish.
6. Any Klingon: Star Trek – I like my women to have smaller penises than me.
7. She-Hulk/Wonder Woman: Avengers/Justice League (respectively) – Sure they're both gorgeous and goddesslike, but I don't like my girlfriends to be able to kick my ass. On the same note, they're both taller than me.
8. Arcee: Transformers – She's kind of the same deal with Smurfette, but her ex-boyfriend is Optimus Prime. I may be a total dickhead, but I'm not messing with the former lover of the savior of the universe. Plus, that guy's my true hero. In the end, she's probably got sharp edges in intimate places.
9. Princess Toadstool: Super Mario Brothers – Seriously, for the past 20 years Mario rescued this dumb broad from giant monkeys and dinosaurs. How come he's not King Mario with a bunch of Mario Juniors running around? Answer: the Princess is an Ice Queen. Maybe if Mario wore more gold necklaces, fake-tanned and gelled his hair, the Princess would let him do something more than just rescue her.