Working in a bar isn't a great job for a music snob. Lucky for me, I'm a music hater. It's not that I hate all music, it's just that I hate most of it. Because let's admit it, most of it sucks. Here's a rundown of the tunes that boil my blood.
Anything with Lady Gaga
Gaga performing at an Irish wake.WTF? Let me repeat that: What the fucking fuck? Gaga is like an incredibly less talented and a helluva lot less attractive version of Marilyn Manson. But so much of Lady Gaga amazes me.
1. Put one of her "songs" on in the middle of a funeral, and chicks WILL start dancing.
2. People actual know how to dance to this seizure-inducing, icepick to the ear.
Any Song that Starts Off with Some Guy Yelling, "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-MIX!!!!!"
I've given up on pop musicians trying to do anything original. The fact that some dipshits pop boners (or wet their granny panties) over some slugbrained deejay speeding up or slowing down the main chorus and then having some hot-at-the-moment MTV star-wannabe rap over some song that was kind of cool three months ago makes me want to bomb radio stations everywhere. We're essentially conned into buying, liking, and dancing to some stupid shit that's just a bastardization of a song we've already heard before.
Jam Bands
Yeah, I've sat in a garage and listened to band practice. I've also experimented with a handful of drugs. Putting them together in an outdoor venue with a bunch of hippies doesn't make a 35-minute guitar solo any less boring to watch.
Any Tune that Describes a Dance
Christopher Reeve never had it in him.I grew up in North and South Dakota. For our physical education classes, we needed to learn to line dance. It was stupid then. It's still stupid. But for some reason, when hip hop artists do it, I'm supposed to be impressed? Fuck you. I've been to square dances, and, unfortunately, hip hop clubs where they instruct you to touch the ceiling, wave your hands and do your thing. This requires the musical talent of reading bingo numbers.
Auto Tune
My phone can read text messages out loud. It sounds like a deaf, foreign person with a stutter trying to perform Shakespeare—but still sounds better than Auto Tune. And if Jay-Z hates it, I'm with him.
Mashed Up Metal or Classics
Sometimes I hear an AC/DC song at the club, then they mash in something like Usher, Gwen Stefani or Soldier Boy (I don't know how he spells his "name" and I don't give a fuck. President Bill Clinton was more of a soldier than that fuck up). Here's the deal: when you discofy a Doors, Johnny Cash or Bob Marley song it's like finding out your weird uncle rubbed his balls all over your favorite childhood blanket before naptime.
80's Music
Yeah, I know. It was a great decade with awesome music and blah blah blah. Work 80's Night four years in a row and you'll learn to hate Journey, Bon Jovi and Devo with a passion. I'd rather listen to Dr. Phil performing oral sex on Rosie O'Donnell.
"I Hate My Dad" Songs
Alas, I remember when heavy metal was about tight pants, the devil, chicks, booze, partying, pretty cool cars, and orgies with chicks. But the emo, scream-o, or whatever other type of shit today's youth is producing shows me you're never too old for teenage angst.
Phil Collins
Never before has a picture hurt my ears.Honestly, few things cause me to feel the overpowering hatred Phil Collins and Genesis provoke. Not rush hour traffic. Not guys who wear Affliction t-shirts—even though the last time they fought involved Ryu, Scorpion or Liu Kang. If offered the chance to smash Phil Collins' face with a lead pipe or fuck Kristin Bell in the original Batmobile, well, I'd still dirty the BatSeats with some sweet sweet Veronica Mars' style lovemaking. But I'd feel really guilty about not bashing the brains out of the worst stain on music history for the good of the universe.
TYPES OF MUSIC EVEN I'M SURPRISED I DON'T HATE
Ludacris – I think I hated him so much, I kind of grew to kinda like him.
Techno – I know, I don't get it either.
Children's Music – I like to sing along with guys like Raffi and find new rhymes for "banana." Sue me.