Apr
19
Nosferatu’s Review of Coachella Weekend One
My shadow grows long on the playa, striking fear into the hearts of those who dare utter “Missy Elliot is kinda mid.”
Apr
18
Paul Revere Updates the Bachelor Party He Still Hopes to Attend
Good news—lantern stuff is done. Borrowed John’s (as in Larkin's) geriatric horse and am headed to Concord now.
Apr
17
Urgent Recall Notice: Your Brain
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely.
Apr
16
Alumni Mag Updates from Graduates Who Are Just Chillin’
James Davis (’20) is the founder and chief creative officer of a conspiracy theory about the Slinky.
Apr
15
Does Listening to an Audiobook Count as Reading If I’m Asleep?
Some part of my subconscious is absorbing everything though, right?
Apr
14
Your Bank’s Insurance Application Has Been Denied Because It’s in a Heist Movie
Remember the opening scene from "The Dark Knight"? That was one of ours.
Apr
12
My Dog Is an Expert Food Critic, and Here’s Her Latest Review
Customer service is, as before, abysmal. It requires at least three begs, a yip, and an emphatic paw stomp to get any attention from the staff.
Apr
11
Stage Directions for a Stock Photo Shoot for a Market Meltdown
Try it again and think about every stock market in America crashing into fiery flames like the Hindenburg.
Apr
10
It’s Time for Celebrity Talk Shows to Up the Ante
Tech Check: Celebs reflect on life, love and their rise to the top while being interrupted by their grandfather asking for help with his smartphone.
Apr
9
Diary of a Prehistoric Teen
Mother say I need to stop moping around cave and get outside. So come up with a plan.
Apr
8
Excerpts from the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, If Holmes Was from Chicago
“This is my friend, Sherlock Holmes. He’s from America.” “Not just America, actually. I’m from Chicago.”
Apr
7
If Paul Revere Was a Mathematician
Belphegor's prime if you feel the nation’s morals are lacking and perhaps we do need the firm hand of a monarch.
Apr
7
Making the Most of “Be Kind to Lawyers Day”
Claim: Most lawyers find that cilantro tastes like soap. / Foundation? Foundation, but most things taste like soap to lawyers.
Apr
5
How to Enjoy a Movie with Your Significant Other Even Though All Major Actors Haven’t Been Identified Yet
Undergo hypnosis therapy: you can’t lose time recalling an actor’s name if you never knew their name to begin with.
Apr
4
How to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Turn the sheet so that the elastic edge faces you. Do not look directly at it, lest it sense your anxiety.
Apr
3
I’m the Guy Who Deletes Your Job Application When You Apply Through an Online Job Board
But no one really knows what they want when they’re hiring, and that’s why there’s me. To get rid of people like you. Quality people.
Apr
2
Don’t Be Nervous on Your First Day of Time Travel Because You Retired Yesterday After Fifty Years and We’re All Going to Miss You
Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex.
Apr
1
What the Adult Class You’re Taking Says About You and Your Divorce
Pottery: This one is simple: the night your wife called things off, you drank an entire bottle of wine and "Ghost" randomly started playing on Tubi.
Mar
31
Rejected Muppets
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
Mar
31
Am I the Asshole for Giving My Daughter a Haircut?
Jump to conclusions why don’t you? I did not lock her in a basement. I’m not a monster. We live in a tower.
Mar
29
Telltale Signs Your Mysterious New Boyfriend Is Actually Rumpelstiltskin
Is he “ugly-hot” or does his face bear the mark of an impish, Germanic evil?
Mar
28
I’m the Owner of the Little Boutique You Just Walked Into—Good Luck Leaving Without Buying Anything
Are you looking for anything specific today? Just browsing? Awesome—mind if I watch from the other side of the room?
Mar
27
I’m the Devil on Your Shoulder and I See You Just Started a New Hobby
Remember how excited you were about the pottery wheel that’s now a hat rack? Or the sourdough starter you ate raw on day three?
Mar
26
An Open Letter to the Man Who Catcalled Me from a Razor Scooter
Be still my heart, for chivalry is not dead—merely wheezing along at three miles per hour.
Mar
25
Your Subscription to Humor Is About to Expire
Our value option, the Chuckle Tier, includes smirks, knowing smiles, and obligatory chortles at the wisecracks of uncles.
Mar
24
A Month-by-Month Guide to Your Baby’s First Existential Milestones
2 months: Reaches for objects despite knowing they will only end up possessing him in return
Mar
24
Hastings Entertainment Store Changed My Life
It is May 10, 2008. I am nine years old. I purchase the book Frindle from Hastings Entertainment Store. My mind grows fat off its teachings.
Mar
22
Me? Oh, Just Living the Dream
So now I’m a child, still bouncing on the trampoline—did I mention the forest floor is made of trampoline?—and I’m trying desperately not to cry.
Mar
21
Great TV Recommendations If You Can Just Get Through the First Episode
I nearly turned it off three times. But if you just stick with it for episode two... that’s the juicy part.
Mar
20
Never Buy New Kids Clothes Again with Growth Apparel, the Clothes That Grow on Your Child
You'd never know that it is an alive organism, save for the occasional dampness and an appropriate amount of mold that forms on the sleeves.
Mar
19
It Wasn’t the Spiders, Was It?
Coming back to the question of spiders, are you afraid of spiders generally, or only “out of context”?
Mar
18
24 Hours with the Beach Boys Song “Kokomo” Stuck in My Head
3:34 AM: Still up. I’ve repeated the song so many times that I’m starting to see some of its lyrical flaws.
Mar
17
Quiz: Are You in Love with Your Barista?
Is it time to overthrow the self-doubt that has plagued your absurd, tender heart for all these months? Subtract eight points if your heart is neither tender nor absurd.
Mar
15
Re: The Jar I “Couldn’t” Open
I’m not sure if you are aware that my hands were a little wet when the pickle jar was passed to me.
Mar
14
Fact Checking the March Madness Song, “One Shining Moment”
"you’re a shooting star" -- This needs context. Most players do shoot at some point during the game. But not many are true stars.
Mar
13
I Switched Bodies with My Dog, and He’s Outperforming Me in Every Way
Got a haircut and started showering every day. And I’m pretty sure he got my Michael Scott tattoo removed, but he won’t let me see.
Mar
12
My Doctor’s Pretty Good, Apart from How Often He Says “Ewwwwwwwww!!”
It was good to hear the inside of my mouth also looked "healthy, but super grody, you know, like mouths are."
Mar
11
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Short Story Submission’s Attachment
I’m not very good with computers, could you clarify what you mean by “you somehow attached your son to your previous email rather than your story”?
Mar
10
Not Another Regency Romance
Soon, I’ll have to decide which to marry. For now, we do a lot of courtship. One of them might stare at me, and I stare back.
Mar
8
I’m in the Market for a Dingy Nightgown for My Possessed Teenage Daughter
I’m going to call for an exorcist soon, and it just won’t do for her to be in her typical house-wear of leggings and a cozy sweater when he arrives.
Mar
7
This Noir Detective Definitely Skipped Dinner
She rolls into my office like one of those rotating hot dogs at 7-11. You know the ones, plastic-y but intriguing.
Mar
6
Suggested Zillow Listings in Your Price Range
The Gingerbread House from Hansel and Gretel: Start a new magical chapter in your storybook with this enchanted cottage built entirely out of candy!
Mar
5
I Don’t Think My Eye Twitching Is Something to Worry About, or Do You?
No, of course not. It's no big deal. This happens to everyone. Right? Everyone has little involuntary muscle spasms sometimes.
Mar
4
Why I Couldn’t Play a Dead Body on “CSI: Miami”
Lower back pain that sets in after approximately half an hour of immobility.
Mar
3
Excerpts from “Caring for Your Epilogue Baby”
Because the romance author who wrote your story didn’t quite know how to end their book.
Mar
1
Your Middle Schooler’s “Youth in Government” Field Trip Itinerary
After running out of per diem, your child will unwisely accept financial help from their Russian pen pal.
Feb
28
It’s Great to Hear About Your Wedding, Even Though I’m a Monster Living in the Sewers
So where are you holding the wedding? Is it going to be in the sewers of Chicago?
Feb
27
Sorry There’s No Pictures of You from Second to Sixth Grade, We Ran Out of Google Storage
What would you rather have: frugal parents who saved almost $2 a month, or documented proof that you experienced a childhood?
Feb
26
Things I Found on My Solo Trip, in Lieu of “Myself”
The achievement of seeing the “You’re all caught up!” message on Instagram. / Actually, make that three mosquitos in the shower.
Feb
26
Just Checking In on That Couch
The one-year anniversary of the day I sold you my couch on Craigslist! Time really does fly, huh?
Feb
25
Miss You, Man! Wanna Grab a Drink Sometime in the Next 30 Years?
My schedule should def get more flexible though after the conclusion of the next eight American presidential election cycles.
Feb
24
Will the Special Water from Your Brita Make You Feel Loved and Looked After?
Brita Love™ can teach you lessons about the heart, but it cannot be that love for you. To think otherwise is a dangerous game.
Feb
22
An Apology from Your Proctologist for Writing Poems About Your Colonoscopy
To be fair, they are really good poems. I don’t want to toot my own horn (a little proctologist humor there), but those poems are inspired.
Feb
21
Dear Mob, I’m Sorry I Forgot to Throw That Fight
I offered to go back into the ring and pretend to get knocked out, but it was too late, especially since I had already taken my shoes and socks off.
Feb
20
How I’ll Spend Every Minute of My Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Minute 4: I cut out all fake friends, they’re leeches.
Feb
19
I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
Feb
18
So You’ve Reverted Back in Time to Your Sixth Grade Self Knowing Everything You Know Now…
You're eleven, and first thing's first: everybody is going to be super impressed that you, an eleven-year-old, are already reading Hemingway.
Feb
17
Best Picture Reviews by Me, the Dad of a Six-Week-Old
Conclave: Based on the summary that my childless friend gave while dropping off a tray of lasagna, I found this story unnecessarily hard to follow.
Feb
15
Relaxing Vacation Spots for Moms
Buckle in for the getaway of your dreams. A luxurious solo spin in your very own 2009 Honda Civic.
Feb
14
Saving the World Is Much Harder as a Spy Adult than It Was as a Spy Kid
No one warned me about grappling hook elbow after the age of 25--now my physical therapist owns a foreclosed volcano lair thanks to it.
Feb
13
I’m Going to Deboard This Plane Before You
They say in life, there are no winners and losers, yet here we are, living proof of how far from the truth that actually is.
Feb
12
Everything I’m Going to Do with My $3.32 Wells Fargo Cash Rewards
Add “new money” to my Instagram bio. / Start waving the way the Royals do.
Feb
12
Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases
After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.
Feb
11
I Don’t Whistle in the Office Because I Want To, I Do It Because I Have To
The nine-to-five can be a grind, so if I’m not attempting to boost morale by blaring high-pitched ditties at every opportunity, then what use am I?
Feb
10
All Our Luxury Hotel Room Bathrooms Are Panopticons Now, for Lovers
Our panopticon toilet utilizes ruthless social engineering to give you the most intimate experience with your partner.
Feb
8
I Think It’s Polite to Clap for Your Pilot After Crash Landings Too
I know you're the lone survivor, but that makes it all the more insulting.
Feb
7
This Airbnb Is Definitely Not the Gorilla Enclosure at the Zoo
And you know what? What if this was the zoo? Would that be so bad? You would still stay here if the price was right.
Feb
6
Action Needed, RE: “The Incident”
At what point did you realize the graphic I was drawing bore a loose resemblance to male genitalia? Please complete the following sentence: "After I drew _____."
Feb
5
Man, I’ve Been Killing It (My Will to Live)!
I’ve been going in there (dark places in my mind) and destroying it (crying)! I take no prisoners (except myself)!
Feb
4
Mutual Nondisclosure Agreement for Me and My Siblings
“Compromising Information” refers primarily to the eggnog-induced confessions that occurred around the fire pit on Christmas Eve.
Feb
3
Advice Column for Mad Scientists and Super Villains
Dear Megatron, I’ve been earning money from my paper route to buy smoke detectors so I can stockpile the radioactive americium.
Feb
1
The Way of the Double Text
Master: The unread text sits. Is it full or empty? Student: It is full of potential, yet empty of response.
Jan
31
We’ve Been Observing Your Earth—We Give It a Four
Canyons, however, are terrible. They’re like backwards mountains, but long. There’s nothing grand about that.
Jan
30
Stages of Processing a Catcaller Saying “You’ve Still Got It”
Minimizing: Well, at least saying you’ve “still got it” isn’t vulgar or threatening.
Jan
29
An Average Sunday for Your Friend Who Speed Reads Everything as Imagined by Me, a Very Slow Reader
9:05 AM: Speed read The Divine Comedy in peripheral vision while sending text. Arrive. Leave.
Jan
29
Fatherhood Is Great, but I Think Being a Lifeguard in 1997 Was Actually the Best Job I Ever Had
In those days, the money and pool snacks seemed to flow as freely as the hose we used to spray down the concrete when some kid dropped his nachos.
Jan
28
Online Sports Betting Needs to Be Tightly Regulated Right After This Eagles Game Wraps Up
See, right there, when A.J. Brown caught that deep ball! Did you feel that? That can’t be healthy.
Jan
27
An Honest Sign-up Sheet for the Office Potluck
Not enough soda // A side dish that inexplicably calls for three sticks of cream cheese
Jan
25
Though I Appear to Be a Humble Pimple, I Am Actually Your Last, Best, and Cosmic Hope
But I am not your enemy. I’m part of a much larger cosmic intelligence that knows what’s best for you.
Jan
24
What I Accomplished in the 12 Hours TikTok Was Banned
I read a novella, and then I read a novel, and then I wrote a novel, and then I got it published.
Jan
23
Former Employee Holds Key to Prevent AWS Shutdown and Potential Nuclear Meltdown
Our nuclear plant is verging on meltdown, and the key to stability lies in our vital AWS EC2 instance managed by former employee Ethan Reynolds.
Jan
21
My Off-Grid Tiny House in the Wilderness Has Given Me the Freedom to Fear Truly Unspeakable Horrors
Now I can finally spend my days hoping the night creature I hear stalking through the forest doesn’t take a liking to my warmth.
Jan
20
I’m the First Person Voted off a Reality Show and I’m Not Mad
Did I immediately quit my job since I don’t have the PTO? Sure. But there are no guarantees in this life.
Jan
18
My Writing Style Is Best Described as a Cross Between Every Great Writer Ever
What no one seems to understand is that, as an artist, it’s my duty to pay homage to all the literary titans who have influenced me.
Jan
17
Our Marriage Needs a Gritty Reboot
We’ve become one of those vanilla, mass-produced corporate couples we never wanted to be. Our relationship is nothing more than a light-hearted romp.
Jan
16
Book Club Analyzes Character Arc of Member Who Missed the Meeting
I think we can all agree that Janet’s character development has been virtually nonexistent since her divorce from Paul.
Jan
15
The Refrigerator in Your Parents’ Garage Would like to Explore Death with Dignity
I matched the microwave, we were like cute twins. During dinner parties, people would say, "Wow, love the matching appliance set."
Jan
14
Daily Routine While Waiting Within a Delivery Window
7:00 AM: Strategize – Inform your boss that you will be working remotely. Why? Get creative.
Jan
13
Letter of Apology to the Film Crew of My Optional 4th Grade Winter Break Assignment
I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego.
Jan
11
You Can Trust Me—I’m a Man Wearing Many Rings
I’m not like other guys. I’ve embraced my feminine side. Don’t you see my many rings?
Jan
10
I Waited in Line for 11 Years and That Cronut Just Wasn’t Worth It
I walked on and on, finally reaching the end of the line alongside Route 276 just outside King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
Jan
9
There’s Shareholder Value in Them There Hills
Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.
Jan
8
A Checklist for the Babysitter
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
Jan
7
Use These 12 Powerful Professional Comebacks to Defuse Workplace Bullies
I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
Jan
6
Honest Translations for the Reasons I Call in Sick to Work
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day. (Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap)
Jan
4
Welcome Back to Another Episode of “So You Think You’re About to Fall Asleep?”
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off.
Jan
2
We’re Throwing an Adult Party
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Jan
1
Pretending You Listen to Your Friend’s Podcast
Your friend could have an annoying voice, or he only talks about his personal issues and you’d rather not listen to that during your hour commute.
Dec
31
Revised Code of Conduct for Visitors to the Taxidermy, Waxwork, and Doll Museum of Natural History and Also Regular History
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
Dec
30
Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old