I’m the Safety Tag on a Baby Product and, Yeah, I’m Going to Kill Your Baby
CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby?"
CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby?"
Oh lord, here comes my nemesis: the dessert menu! If I get a slice of the tres leches cake, you’ll all have a bite, right?
“Does anybody have a dongle?”
A Western omelette from a bodega served in a Styrofoam tray: You are a nihilist and people should actually be afraid of you.
What, you think a masterwork like "Swamp at Dawn" just happens? You think I just leave my voice notes running in a swamp at dawn? You fool.
“Christopher Columbus” sees players arriving at someone else's pool, murdering those swimmers, and then claiming that the pool now belongs to them.
WELL GUESS THEY CAUGHT ME. GREAT JOB. BECAUSE I PUT MY BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS. OH GOD SO MANY FUCKING TEARS INTO THIS DRINK.
These here are magic coins that live inside yer lightning box, protected by some new-fangled doohickey called a “blockchain.”
Sure, you could drive to pick up some $20 mix of ingredients haphazardly thrown into a flimsy bowl by a hungover college sophomore.
We cigarettes just taste better abroad. The exact science is unclear, but it’s probably because we’re free of toxic ingredients like judgmental looks from your friends.
After what happened last summer, I will not run after the Freddy’s Frozen Freaks ice cream truck.
Do you want to ignite a painful audit of your soul and psyche where you question every decision in your life that led to this moment?
FEEL THE PAIN IN YOUR BICYCLE LANE WHILE I DRIVE BY PRAYING FOR RAIN
$432.01 - Limbo Beach Bar. Reason: We definitely thought we’d be closing some deals by shouting “Drinks on us!” We were wrong. Bummer.
But first I would like to know, oh rugged manchild, how sharing my arch on your “internet” sakes the human purpose.
Your Majesty, what I’m saying is that I am a worrier---all I do all day long is worry about every little thing that could possibly go wrong.
These are the party animals who travel cross-country to see every footnote in person.
You need to make a tricky left turn. You’re filing your taxes for a year during which you lived in multiple states.
It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.
How do you respond to claims that your true identity is Speaker Guy and your do-good speaker smashing is a ruse to crank up speaker demand?
O Lord, I called upon the sacred number, as it was written on the back of my card.
It’s important to find a hobby that you enjoy to a much lesser degree than the rolling oceanic pleasure you would get from pure retribution.
As we prepare to celebrate our great nation’s Sestercentennial, it behooves me to make it known that I am not merely a Raymour or Flanigan.
Obviously, not eating tacos isn’t an option, so here’s some helpful ways to hide your undignified devouring.
I don’t let my face betray what I’m beholding because I’m a pro, and I like to maintain an air of mystery, but sometimes it’s just like, yeesh.
Shipbuilders? Fishermen? Coal Barons? Seals? Furniture Makers?
I’m a big fan of your troupe’s silly make-em-ups. But a fella can only be overlooked for so long without starting to take it personal.
Alpha Alpha Alpha: If you are an ambitious woman looking to give 110%—or more—to a book club, we are the place for you. We have rules.
Hank nodded and muttered the word to himself: “Okay.” It was the same word Mama had used months before it happened...
I, Your Ratty Underwear, give my consent to die a natural death.
For the first time in 1,500 years, the world’s most iconic board game is getting an update, thanks to the new subscription-based platform, Chess+™
I know your coach said it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Your coach has obviously never been up to his asshole in debt for betting on collegiate air hockey.
Fun with rhyme! Example: Mark. Okay, “Mark” rhymes with “Clark.” So now all you have to do is remember the name Clark.
Speaking of, I’ve been thinking about playing some Allman Brothers at the rehearsal dinner. But I might need a little lead time to learn the solo.
Choose a select body part for coverage. Options may include*: arm (1 only), leg (1 only), eye (1 only), lip (1 only), tongue, neck, forehead, or skin (maximum 1 square ft section).
For me, a fresh excel sheet offers endless promise. A blank deck is the root of inspiration.
This muddy car plus your wolf family will make for a pretty incredible #weekend-pics Slack post come Monday.
What are thoughts? A better question might be, What isn’t a thought? A basketball, for example?
We’ve tried to make it easy to avoid those cumbersome demonstrations with our soundproofed wall of historic woven blankets.
Even that pathetic loser Bernard received a letter from his gal.
I gotta have more treats, Benji. I’m fiendin’ for it. You getting a paper cut will not be enough.
When life gives lemons, make sure to offer those to the Mothman in hopes the tart treat will placate his impulsive desires.
Destiny brought me to this remote fringe of blacktop to get a near-microscopic view of a kick-ass car and meet my new best friend.
Here at CigKings, our company philosophy is simple: we give away large sums of money out of the goodness of our hearts.
But I think the biggest difference I've noticed so far is the agonizing asphyxia. I mean, talk about culture shock!
Did you know that washing dishes can be meditation? Focus on the soapy water, and get lost in the now. Suddenly it’s 1:00 AM.
Our graphics seem a little dated, but deep down we’re the same mailing list you subscribed to all those years ago.
Reality: The bar door is a push not a pull, and I make quite a scene trying to open it.
Where did you get the inspiration for your earthenware mushroom potpourri? Would you ask Monet where he got the inspiration for his water lilies?
Bees transition from absolute monarchy to a constitutional democracy. The Queen exists only for ceremonial purposes.
Now is the time for us to act quickly and decisively. But first, let’s take a moment to acknowledge our May birthdays!
LIMBO: For employers who ghost a candidate.
However, I’m 86% certain that Fitzgerald never references a “$5 chicken meal deal from the McValue Menu,” right?
I understand your concern about a Victorian doll covered in real ashes from a 200-year-old fireplace watching you as you sleep.
We don't care what you think of Rant, Haunted, or even the underappreciated Snuff. We’re here to talk about one book, and that book is Fight Club.
It has been a long week, and now it’s [FRIDAY / SATURDAY]. I’ve finished my [BREAKFAST / LUNCH / DINNER].
Upon being assigned your case, they don’t ask how you want to plead, they ask if you were introduced in the first or second act.
If you need some help, I can recommend a few biblical scholars who have worked on visions before, I don’t mind asking them (they’re fans).
In the wood shop, you live by two rules: “measure twice, cut once,” and “it’s just a spice rack, eyeball it.”
This morning, a chiseled man with a safari shirt and dimples deep as the Mariana Trench emerged from the jungle. “Come on in,” he beckoned.
But now, a poor approximation of Jean Marie that looks similar to a haunted Victorian child is disfiguring the thighs of her two living legacies.
On your left you’ll see our first exhibit titled “Coat Check.” Wait for just long enough to doubt whether it will really be worth it.
The office toilet backing up is probably not the best use of The Dark Knight's time.
Readers will be delighted, frightened, and enlightened, though a few will want to skip a certain scene—you’ll know which one.
And his use of my signature catchphrase, “Smell you forever because you stink that bad.” I knew I should have had that copyrighted.
It’s been 34 minutes since my last message, and you haven’t jumped on the chance to implement BRAINDRAIN to help your organization.
I no longer wish to ride an aging plow horse. And yet, when I ride to the horse dealer and request a sleek, red mustang, I am met with ridicule.
If spotted, DO NOT CHASE. Instead, acknowledge his beauty, respectfully. Obviously all dogs are beautiful, but he’s a stunner.
Instead of opening and deleting messages as he received them, User #119182 has kept every email he has received since creating his account in 2009.
Wired: Earwigs. Bugs, but heavy metal and down to party. With those pincers you know they’re into some dark shit.
I’m really excited to get to know you better! Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What are you eating right now?
My shadow grows long on the playa, striking fear into the hearts of those who dare utter “Missy Elliot is kinda mid.”
Good news—lantern stuff is done. Borrowed John’s (as in Larkin's) geriatric horse and am headed to Concord now.
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely.
James Davis (’20) is the founder and chief creative officer of a conspiracy theory about the Slinky.
Some part of my subconscious is absorbing everything though, right?
Remember the opening scene from "The Dark Knight"? That was one of ours.
Customer service is, as before, abysmal. It requires at least three begs, a yip, and an emphatic paw stomp to get any attention from the staff.
Try it again and think about every stock market in America crashing into fiery flames like the Hindenburg.
Tech Check: Celebs reflect on life, love and their rise to the top while being interrupted by their grandfather asking for help with his smartphone.
Mother say I need to stop moping around cave and get outside. So come up with a plan.
“This is my friend, Sherlock Holmes. He’s from America.” “Not just America, actually. I’m from Chicago.”
Belphegor's prime if you feel the nation’s morals are lacking and perhaps we do need the firm hand of a monarch.
Claim: Most lawyers find that cilantro tastes like soap. / Foundation? Foundation, but most things taste like soap to lawyers.
Undergo hypnosis therapy: you can’t lose time recalling an actor’s name if you never knew their name to begin with.
Turn the sheet so that the elastic edge faces you. Do not look directly at it, lest it sense your anxiety.
But no one really knows what they want when they’re hiring, and that’s why there’s me. To get rid of people like you. Quality people.
Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex.
Pottery: This one is simple: the night your wife called things off, you drank an entire bottle of wine and "Ghost" randomly started playing on Tubi.
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
Jump to conclusions why don’t you? I did not lock her in a basement. I’m not a monster. We live in a tower.
Is he “ugly-hot” or does his face bear the mark of an impish, Germanic evil?
Are you looking for anything specific today? Just browsing? Awesome—mind if I watch from the other side of the room?
Remember how excited you were about the pottery wheel that’s now a hat rack? Or the sourdough starter you ate raw on day three?
Be still my heart, for chivalry is not dead—merely wheezing along at three miles per hour.
Our value option, the Chuckle Tier, includes smirks, knowing smiles, and obligatory chortles at the wisecracks of uncles.
2 months: Reaches for objects despite knowing they will only end up possessing him in return
It is May 10, 2008. I am nine years old. I purchase the book Frindle from Hastings Entertainment Store. My mind grows fat off its teachings.
So now I’m a child, still bouncing on the trampoline—did I mention the forest floor is made of trampoline?—and I’m trying desperately not to cry.