Mar
12
My Doctor’s Pretty Good, Apart from How Often He Says “Ewwwwwwwww!!”
It was good to hear the inside of my mouth also looked “healthy, but super grody, you know, like mouths are.”
Mar
11
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Short Story Submission’s Attachment
I’m not very good with computers, could you clarify what you mean by “you somehow attached your son to your previous email rather than your story”?
Mar
10
Not Another Regency Romance
Soon, I’ll have to decide which to marry. For now, we do a lot of courtship. One of them might stare at me, and I stare back.
Mar
8
I’m in the Market for a Dingy Nightgown for My Possessed Teenage Daughter
I’m going to call for an exorcist soon, and it just won’t do for her to be in her typical house-wear of leggings and a cozy sweater when he arrives.
Mar
7
This Noir Detective Definitely Skipped Dinner
She rolls into my office like one of those rotating hot dogs at 7-11. You know the ones, plastic-y but intriguing.
Mar
6
Suggested Zillow Listings in Your Price Range
The Gingerbread House from Hansel and Gretel: Start a new magical chapter in your storybook with this enchanted cottage built entirely out of candy!
Mar
5
I Don’t Think My Eye Twitching Is Something to Worry About, or Do You?
No, of course not. It's no big deal. This happens to everyone. Right? Everyone has little involuntary muscle spasms sometimes.
Mar
4
Why I Couldn’t Play a Dead Body on “CSI: Miami”
Lower back pain that sets in after approximately half an hour of immobility.
Mar
3
Excerpts from “Caring for Your Epilogue Baby”
Because the romance author who wrote your story didn’t quite know how to end their book.
Mar
1
Your Middle Schooler’s “Youth in Government” Field Trip Itinerary
After running out of per diem, your child will unwisely accept financial help from their Russian pen pal.
Feb
28
It’s Great to Hear About Your Wedding, Even Though I’m a Monster Living in the Sewers
So where are you holding the wedding? Is it going to be in the sewers of Chicago?
Feb
27
Sorry There’s No Pictures of You from Second to Sixth Grade, We Ran Out of Google Storage
What would you rather have: frugal parents who saved almost $2 a month, or documented proof that you experienced a childhood?
Feb
26
Things I Found on My Solo Trip, in Lieu of “Myself”
The achievement of seeing the “You’re all caught up!” message on Instagram. / Actually, make that three mosquitos in the shower.
Feb
26
Just Checking In on That Couch
The one-year anniversary of the day I sold you my couch on Craigslist! Time really does fly, huh?
Feb
25
Miss You, Man! Wanna Grab a Drink Sometime in the Next 30 Years?
My schedule should def get more flexible though after the conclusion of the next eight American presidential election cycles.
Feb
24
Will the Special Water from Your Brita Make You Feel Loved and Looked After?
Brita Love™ can teach you lessons about the heart, but it cannot be that love for you. To think otherwise is a dangerous game.
Feb
22
An Apology from Your Proctologist for Writing Poems About Your Colonoscopy
To be fair, they are really good poems. I don’t want to toot my own horn (a little proctologist humor there), but those poems are inspired.
Feb
21
Dear Mob, I’m Sorry I Forgot to Throw That Fight
I offered to go back into the ring and pretend to get knocked out, but it was too late, especially since I had already taken my shoes and socks off.
Feb
20
How I’ll Spend Every Minute of My Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Minute 4: I cut out all fake friends, they’re leeches.
Feb
19
I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
Feb
18
So You’ve Reverted Back in Time to Your Sixth Grade Self Knowing Everything You Know Now…
You're eleven, and first thing's first: everybody is going to be super impressed that you, an eleven-year-old, are already reading Hemingway.
Feb
17
Best Picture Reviews by Me, the Dad of a Six-Week-Old
Conclave: Based on the summary that my childless friend gave while dropping off a tray of lasagna, I found this story unnecessarily hard to follow.
Feb
15
Relaxing Vacation Spots for Moms
Buckle in for the getaway of your dreams. A luxurious solo spin in your very own 2009 Honda Civic.
Feb
14
Saving the World Is Much Harder as a Spy Adult than It Was as a Spy Kid
No one warned me about grappling hook elbow after the age of 25--now my physical therapist owns a foreclosed volcano lair thanks to it.
Feb
13
I’m Going to Deboard This Plane Before You
They say in life, there are no winners and losers, yet here we are, living proof of how far from the truth that actually is.
Feb
12
Everything I’m Going to Do with My $3.32 Wells Fargo Cash Rewards
Add “new money” to my Instagram bio. / Start waving the way the Royals do.
Feb
12
Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases
After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.
Feb
11
I Don’t Whistle in the Office Because I Want To, I Do It Because I Have To
The nine-to-five can be a grind, so if I’m not attempting to boost morale by blaring high-pitched ditties at every opportunity, then what use am I?
Feb
10
All Our Luxury Hotel Room Bathrooms Are Panopticons Now, for Lovers
Our panopticon toilet utilizes ruthless social engineering to give you the most intimate experience with your partner.
Feb
8
I Think It’s Polite to Clap for Your Pilot After Crash Landings Too
I know you're the lone survivor, but that makes it all the more insulting.
Feb
7
This Airbnb Is Definitely Not the Gorilla Enclosure at the Zoo
And you know what? What if this was the zoo? Would that be so bad? You would still stay here if the price was right.
Feb
6
Action Needed, RE: “The Incident”
At what point did you realize the graphic I was drawing bore a loose resemblance to male genitalia? Please complete the following sentence: "After I drew _____."
Feb
5
Man, I’ve Been Killing It (My Will to Live)!
I’ve been going in there (dark places in my mind) and destroying it (crying)! I take no prisoners (except myself)!
Feb
4
Mutual Nondisclosure Agreement for Me and My Siblings
“Compromising Information” refers primarily to the eggnog-induced confessions that occurred around the fire pit on Christmas Eve.
Feb
3
Advice Column for Mad Scientists and Super Villains
Dear Megatron, I’ve been earning money from my paper route to buy smoke detectors so I can stockpile the radioactive americium.
Feb
1
The Way of the Double Text
Master: The unread text sits. Is it full or empty? Student: It is full of potential, yet empty of response.
Jan
31
We’ve Been Observing Your Earth—We Give It a Four
Canyons, however, are terrible. They’re like backwards mountains, but long. There’s nothing grand about that.
Jan
30
Stages of Processing a Catcaller Saying “You’ve Still Got It”
Minimizing: Well, at least saying you’ve “still got it” isn’t vulgar or threatening.
Jan
29
An Average Sunday for Your Friend Who Speed Reads Everything as Imagined by Me, a Very Slow Reader
9:05 AM: Speed read The Divine Comedy in peripheral vision while sending text. Arrive. Leave.
Jan
29
Fatherhood Is Great, but I Think Being a Lifeguard in 1997 Was Actually the Best Job I Ever Had
In those days, the money and pool snacks seemed to flow as freely as the hose we used to spray down the concrete when some kid dropped his nachos.
Jan
28
Online Sports Betting Needs to Be Tightly Regulated Right After This Eagles Game Wraps Up
See, right there, when A.J. Brown caught that deep ball! Did you feel that? That can’t be healthy.
Jan
27
An Honest Sign-up Sheet for the Office Potluck
Not enough soda // A side dish that inexplicably calls for three sticks of cream cheese
Jan
25
Though I Appear to Be a Humble Pimple, I Am Actually Your Last, Best, and Cosmic Hope
But I am not your enemy. I’m part of a much larger cosmic intelligence that knows what’s best for you.
Jan
24
What I Accomplished in the 12 Hours TikTok Was Banned
I read a novella, and then I read a novel, and then I wrote a novel, and then I got it published.
Jan
23
Former Employee Holds Key to Prevent AWS Shutdown and Potential Nuclear Meltdown
Our nuclear plant is verging on meltdown, and the key to stability lies in our vital AWS EC2 instance managed by former employee Ethan Reynolds.
Jan
21
My Off-Grid Tiny House in the Wilderness Has Given Me the Freedom to Fear Truly Unspeakable Horrors
Now I can finally spend my days hoping the night creature I hear stalking through the forest doesn’t take a liking to my warmth.
Jan
20
I’m the First Person Voted off a Reality Show and I’m Not Mad
Did I immediately quit my job since I don’t have the PTO? Sure. But there are no guarantees in this life.
Jan
18
My Writing Style Is Best Described as a Cross Between Every Great Writer Ever
What no one seems to understand is that, as an artist, it’s my duty to pay homage to all the literary titans who have influenced me.
Jan
17
Our Marriage Needs a Gritty Reboot
We’ve become one of those vanilla, mass-produced corporate couples we never wanted to be. Our relationship is nothing more than a light-hearted romp.
Jan
16
Book Club Analyzes Character Arc of Member Who Missed the Meeting
I think we can all agree that Janet’s character development has been virtually nonexistent since her divorce from Paul.
Jan
15
The Refrigerator in Your Parents’ Garage Would like to Explore Death with Dignity
I matched the microwave, we were like cute twins. During dinner parties, people would say, "Wow, love the matching appliance set."
Jan
14
Daily Routine While Waiting Within a Delivery Window
7:00 AM: Strategize – Inform your boss that you will be working remotely. Why? Get creative.
Jan
13
Letter of Apology to the Film Crew of My Optional 4th Grade Winter Break Assignment
I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego.
Jan
11
You Can Trust Me—I’m a Man Wearing Many Rings
I’m not like other guys. I’ve embraced my feminine side. Don’t you see my many rings?
Jan
10
I Waited in Line for 11 Years and That Cronut Just Wasn’t Worth It
I walked on and on, finally reaching the end of the line alongside Route 276 just outside King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
Jan
9
There’s Shareholder Value in Them There Hills
Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.
Jan
8
A Checklist for the Babysitter
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
Jan
7
Use These 12 Powerful Professional Comebacks to Defuse Workplace Bullies
I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
Jan
6
Honest Translations for the Reasons I Call in Sick to Work
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day. (Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap)
Jan
4
Welcome Back to Another Episode of “So You Think You’re About to Fall Asleep?”
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off.
Jan
2
We’re Throwing an Adult Party
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Jan
1
Pretending You Listen to Your Friend’s Podcast
Your friend could have an annoying voice, or he only talks about his personal issues and you’d rather not listen to that during your hour commute.
Dec
31
Revised Code of Conduct for Visitors to the Taxidermy, Waxwork, and Doll Museum of Natural History and Also Regular History
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
Dec
30
Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
Dec
30
You, a Teenage Babysitter, and I, a 47-Year-Old Father Driving You Home, Will Get Through This Silent Car Ride
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
Dec
28
As a Professional Bouncy Castle Inspector, I Take My Job Very Seriously
The public thinks this job is all colorful vinyl and happy bouncing. They're wrong. Catastrophically wrong.
Dec
27
Questions from the Comic-Con Panel on Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai
How come I could tell where everybody was in space? Did you mean for the shots to make me feel things?
Dec
26
Bible Verse First Drafts Where Jesus Brags About His Kick-Ass Carpentry
Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”
Dec
25
I’m Your Mom, and I Got You the World’s Ugliest Shirt for Christmas
Don’t you love it? It’s got a nice high collar, but three-quarters-length sleeves, so it’s not too formal.
Dec
24
Complaints Submitted to My Online Christmas Tree Business
My house got robbed and my tree did nothing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it gave the burglars the alarm code.
Dec
23
Welcome to Our New and Improved Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park
We settled our feud with the local breeder, and will once again have nine living, breathing reindeer on site as in days of yore.
Dec
21
A Recipe Blogger’s Text Responses to Incredibly Simple Questions
What time are we getting coffee later? The Arabian Peninsula has always been one of the harshest environments on Earth, and 800 A.D. was no exception.
Dec
20
Christmas in the Lobby
Please join us in the lobby to celebrate Christmas! We will scrounge up a folding chair or two and everyone will be afraid to sit.
Dec
19
Please Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee, My Anti-Depressants, My Cholesterol Medication, a Shot of Whiskey, a Breath Mint, and a Pound of Bacon
How is it that my morning routine is simultaneously killing me while also helping me barely cling to dear life?
Dec
18
The iPad Scoffs at Your Pathetic Christmas Presents
Nadine rips open the presents, revealing these primitive analog relics. But by noon, she’ll have forgotten about all of you.
Dec
17
I Am the Real Parson Brown, and Let Me Tell You—Identity Theft and Unsanctioned Weddings Are Serious Crimes!
This snowman wedding racket is a disgrace to the good name of clergymen everywhere.
Dec
16
The People’s Favorites 2024
You submitted some of your favorite pieces that we published this year, including plastic bags, grapes, and an active volcano.
Dec
16
Why Your End-of-Year Bonus Is a Pet Rock
You: Is there a financial component? Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
Dec
14
Montezuma Pleads with the Gods to Change His Act of Revenge
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
Dec
13
Is That Bolognese on Your Chinos, or Are You Bleeding Out in This Banana Republic?
I’m on thin ice with my manager, Trayson, and I can't afford another marinara mishap. Please, my job is on the line here.
Dec
12
Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Dec
11
What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
Dec
10
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Dec
9
Best of PIC 2024
Our Best of 2024 articles feature a Furby boyfriend, a leering train conductor, a pugnacious philosopher, a hip and out-of-shape dad, and more!
Dec
9
Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Dec
7
Do Not Use That Stall, I Just Had a Huge Cry in There
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.
Dec
6
My Requirements for a New Social Media App
Yes, I want to see my friend’s joke about pouring milk in the bowl before cereal, but I also want a bot to direct me to pussy in bio.
Dec
5
I Can’t Believe My Favorite Band Whose Music I Never Bought Is Breaking Up
After a decade of not giving them a dime for any of their creative output, I just don’t understand why they would call it quits.
Dec
4
Disappointing Truths Behind Paranormal Mysteries
Disappointing Truth: Stonehenge is just another case of mass hysteria. In reality, of course, rocks can’t be balanced on top of each other.
Dec
3
You Seem Unfulfilled at Your Job, Building a Facetune App for Dogs
Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
Dec
2
Interview Questions Regarding Your Resumé Gap from the Time You Were Swallowed by a Crevasse in the Earth
"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."
Dec
2
Text STOP If Our SMS Rewards Program Is Coming On Too Strong
Text MISS YOU if you're counting down the minutes until you can hold me in your arms.
Nov
30
Maybe Read Me? A Plea from That One Decaying Book in the Little Library
Now the new books tell me that I am no longer in print and all the Borders are gone.
Nov
29
I Suppose You’re All Wondering Why I’ve Gathered You Here
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!
Nov
28
To Thank You for Being My Gladiators, I’m Providing Cupcakes
It will be a chance to network over a sweet treat with other gladiators who, in a few days, will try to clobber the life out of you.
Nov
27
Sun Tzu Quotes to Get You Through Thanksgiving
To medal in the Turkey Trot, you have to defeat seasoned fitness freaks and erratic savages who only run once a year.
Nov
26
Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams
We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!
Nov
25
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Bingo
“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)
Nov
25
My Family Always Fights Over Politics at Thanksgiving Because I Instigate Them
If you think Thanksgiving is a time when we could all come together, you haven’t met my family after I poke and prod.
Nov
23
Wanted Dead or Alive: People Who Took Stuff from a Bodega
And I couldn't help but notice the massive collage of wanted photos in front of your fine establishment. I'm here to hunt these bastards down.