Jul
8
I’m the Safety Tag on a Baby Product and, Yeah, I’m Going to Kill Your Baby
CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby?"
Jul
7
Let’s Be Bad!
Oh lord, here comes my nemesis: the dessert menu! If I get a slice of the tres leches cake, you’ll all have a bite, right?
Jul
5
Academic Conference Paper Bingo: Humanities Edition
“Does anybody have a dongle?”
Jul
3
What Your Breakfast Order Says About You, NYC Edition
A Western omelette from a bodega served in a Styrofoam tray: You are a nihilist and people should actually be afraid of you.
Jul
2
I Make Nature Sounds, and I’m Offended You Use Them for Sleep
What, you think a masterwork like "Swamp at Dawn" just happens? You think I just leave my voice notes running in a swamp at dawn? You fool.
Jul
1
Lesser-Known Swimming Pool Games Named After Famous Explorers
“Christopher Columbus” sees players arriving at someone else's pool, murdering those swimmers, and then claiming that the pool now belongs to them.
Jun
30
NO, KYLE ENERGY DRINK DOES NOT CONTAIN TRACE AMOUNTS OF REAL KYLE
WELL GUESS THEY CAUGHT ME. GREAT JOB. BECAUSE I PUT MY BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS. OH GOD SO MANY FUCKING TEARS INTO THIS DRINK.
Jun
28
There’s Bitcoin in Them Thar Blockchain!
These here are magic coins that live inside yer lightning box, protected by some new-fangled doohickey called a “blockchain.”
Jun
27
Colleagues Agree, the Season’s Hottest Lunch Break Destination Is Your Car
Sure, you could drive to pick up some $20 mix of ingredients haphazardly thrown into a flimsy bowl by a hungover college sophomore.
Jun
26
Heyyy It’s Me, That Cigarette You Want to Smoke When You’re Abroad
We cigarettes just taste better abroad. The exact science is unclear, but it’s probably because we’re free of toxic ingredients like judgmental looks from your friends.
Jun
25
Everything I Will Accomplish During My Perfectly Curated Adult Summer
After what happened last summer, I will not run after the Freddy’s Frozen Freaks ice cream truck.
Jun
24
A Sales Pitch for Camping
Do you want to ignite a painful audit of your soul and psyche where you question every decision in your life that led to this moment?
Jun
23
“Trains Are for Danes!” and Other Protest Slogans by the US Highway Lobby
FEEL THE PAIN IN YOUR BICYCLE LANE WHILE I DRIVE BY PRAYING FOR RAIN
Jun
23
Vacation– I Mean, WORK Trip Expense Report
$432.01 - Limbo Beach Bar. Reason: We definitely thought we’d be closing some deals by shouting “Drinks on us!” We were wrong. Bummer.
Jun
21
Open Letter from a Mountain Lion to Hiking Influencers
But first I would like to know, oh rugged manchild, how sharing my arch on your “internet” sakes the human purpose.
Jun
20
My Bad, I’m a Worrier, Not a Warrior
Your Majesty, what I’m saying is that I am a worrier---all I do all day long is worry about every little thing that could possibly go wrong.
Jun
19
Get Ready for the Southern Maryland Antiquarian Book Fair to Rock Your World
These are the party animals who travel cross-country to see every footnote in person.
Jun
18
Facing Government Cuts, “Mission: Impossible” Agency Scales Back to Mild Predicaments
You need to make a tricky left turn. You’re filing your taxes for a year during which you lived in multiple states.
Jun
18
We’re Your Friends from College Who Are Doing Way Better than You—How Are You Doing?
It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.
Jun
17
FAQ About Smash Guy, the Guy Who’ll Smash People’s Speakers for You
How do you respond to claims that your true identity is Speaker Guy and your do-good speaker smashing is a ruse to crank up speaker demand?
Jun
16
I Love Golf!
Focus, Bob. Just you and the ball. Crap. Fore!
Jun
14
A Psalm of David, On Hold for Customer Service
O Lord, I called upon the sacred number, as it was written on the back of my card.
Jun
13
5 Personal Healing Methods That Don’t Feel as Good as Revenge
It’s important to find a hobby that you enjoy to a much lesser degree than the rolling oceanic pleasure you would get from pure retribution.
Jun
12
I’m Ethan Allen, and I Am More than Just a Craftsman of Fine Home Furnishings
As we prepare to celebrate our great nation’s Sestercentennial, it behooves me to make it known that I am not merely a Raymour or Flanigan.
Jun
11
Creative Ways to Hide Your Mouth from Your Date While Eating Tacos
Obviously, not eating tacos isn’t an option, so here’s some helpful ways to hide your undignified devouring.
Jun
10
How Dare You Question Why I Ponder This Orb!
I don’t let my face betray what I’m beholding because I’m a pro, and I like to maintain an air of mystery, but sometimes it’s just like, yeesh.
Jun
9
Defunct Pro Baseball Team Names or Common Sightings in the Hamptons?
Shipbuilders? Fishermen? Coal Barons? Seals? Furniture Makers?
Jun
9
I Attend Your Improv Show Every Week, and You Have Never Once Taken My Suggestion of “Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska”
I’m a big fan of your troupe’s silly make-em-ups. But a fella can only be overlooked for so long without starting to take it personal.
Jun
7
Rush Week for Moms: Join a Book Club!
Alpha Alpha Alpha: If you are an ambitious woman looking to give 110%—or more—to a book club, we are the place for you. We have rules.
Jun
6
My Novel Packs a Ton of Crucial Backstory About the Protagonist’s Mother Into a Scene Where He Buys Chewing Gum
Hank nodded and muttered the word to himself: “Okay.” It was the same word Mama had used months before it happened...
Jun
5
DNR for My Old Underwear
I, Your Ratty Underwear, give my consent to die a natural death.
Jun
4
New Unlockable Characters for the Game of Chess
For the first time in 1,500 years, the world’s most iconic board game is getting an update, thanks to the new subscription-based platform, Chess+™
Jun
3
I’ve Got a Lot of Money Riding on This Peewee Soccer Game
I know your coach said it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Your coach has obviously never been up to his asshole in debt for betting on collegiate air hockey.
Jun
2
Guaranteed Methods for Remembering Names at Social Events
Fun with rhyme! Example: Mark. Okay, “Mark” rhymes with “Clark.” So now all you have to do is remember the name Clark.
Jun
2
Son, I Don’t Care What You Want, I’m Playing Guitar at Your Wedding
Speaking of, I’ve been thinking about playing some Allman Brothers at the rehearsal dinner. But I might need a little lead time to learn the solo.
May
31
Introducing the “Choose Your Most Important Body Part” Health Insurance Plan
Choose a select body part for coverage. Options may include*: arm (1 only), leg (1 only), eye (1 only), lip (1 only), tongue, neck, forehead, or skin (maximum 1 square ft section).
May
30
I’m Going to Business School to Find Myself
For me, a fresh excel sheet offers endless promise. A blank deck is the root of inspiration.
May
29
Five Places You Will Definitely Drive This SUV, According to the Commercials
This muddy car plus your wolf family will make for a pretty incredible #weekend-pics Slack post come Monday.
May
28
What Are Thoughts?
What are thoughts? A better question might be, What isn’t a thought? A basketball, for example?
May
27
Our Fracking Site Groundbreaking Will Now Begin with a Land Acknowledgment
We’ve tried to make it easy to avoid those cumbersome demonstrations with our soundproofed wall of historic woven blankets.
May
24
A Response to My Letter Would Be Great Because This War Is Pretty Shit
Even that pathetic loser Bernard received a letter from his gal.
May
23
I Hope This Email Finds You at the Bottom of a Well
I gotta have more treats, Benji. I’m fiendin’ for it. You getting a paper cut will not be enough.
May
22
A Note Regarding the Employee Suggestion Box and the Mothman in the Break Room
When life gives lemons, make sure to offer those to the Mothman in hopes the tart treat will placate his impulsive desires.
May
21
Why I Drove a Half-Mile Through This Empty Parking Lot to Park Five Inches from Your Hyundai Sonata
Destiny brought me to this remote fringe of blacktop to get a near-microscopic view of a kick-ass car and meet my new best friend.
May
20
Spend $10 on Cigarettes, Get $500 in Bonus Cigarettes on Us
Here at CigKings, our company philosophy is simple: we give away large sums of money out of the goodness of our hearts.
May
19
I’m a Literal Fish out of Water and the Hardest Part About Adapting to This Strange New World Is the Asphyxia
But I think the biggest difference I've noticed so far is the agonizing asphyxia. I mean, talk about culture shock!
May
16
Meditation Can Be Anything
Did you know that washing dishes can be meditation? Focus on the soapy water, and get lost in the now. Suddenly it’s 1:00 AM.
May
15
You Can’t Unsubscribe from Our Mailing List Because You Don’t Really Mean It, You’re Just Upset
Our graphics seem a little dated, but deep down we’re the same mailing list you subscribed to all those years ago.
May
14
What I Imagined “Going to the Bar” Would Be Like When I Was 12 Years Old Versus How It Was Last Week
Reality: The bar door is a push not a pull, and I make quite a scene trying to open it.
May
13
Why Is This Bowl $300? And Other FAQs I Get as a Shoppe Owner
Where did you get the inspiration for your earthenware mushroom potpourri? Would you ask Monet where he got the inspiration for his water lilies?
May
12
Bug Fixes for Bugs
Bees transition from absolute monarchy to a constitutional democracy. The Queen exists only for ceremonial purposes.
May
12
A Few Housekeeping Items Before We Stop the Nuclear Disaster
Now is the time for us to act quickly and decisively. But first, let’s take a moment to acknowledge our May birthdays!
May
10
Circles of Hell Revised for Badly Behaved Prospective Employers
LIMBO: For employers who ghost a candidate.
May
9
Review: This Audiobook Would Be Way Better If the Narrator Wasn’t Also Running Errands
However, I’m 86% certain that Fitzgerald never references a “$5 chicken meal deal from the McValue Menu,” right?
May
8
From Your Airbnb Host: Please Do Not Disturb Big Dolly
I understand your concern about a Victorian doll covered in real ashes from a 200-year-old fireplace watching you as you sleep.
May
7
The Rules of Fight Club Book Club
We don't care what you think of Rant, Haunted, or even the underappreciated Snuff. We’re here to talk about one book, and that book is Fight Club.
May
6
Reasons I Need a Treat
It has been a long week, and now it’s [FRIDAY / SATURDAY]. I’ve finished my [BREAKFAST / LUNCH / DINNER].
May
5
Evidence That Your Lawyer Isn’t a Lawyer, They Just Played One on Law & Order
Upon being assigned your case, they don’t ask how you want to plead, they ask if you were introduced in the first or second act.
May
5
Hey, It’s God, Just Checking In on That Vision I Sent You?
If you need some help, I can recommend a few biblical scholars who have worked on visions before, I don’t mind asking them (they’re fans).
May
3
Everything I’ve Learned About Working with Wood
In the wood shop, you live by two rules: “measure twice, cut once,” and “it’s just a spice rack, eyeball it.”
May
2
Help, I’m a Real Castaway, and I’ve Wandered Onto the Set of CBS’s “Survivor”
This morning, a chiseled man with a safari shirt and dimples deep as the Mariana Trench emerged from the jungle. “Come on in,” he beckoned.
May
1
Open Letter from a Group of Dead Grandmas Who Don’t Appreciate the Tattoos You Got to “Honor” Them
But now, a poor approximation of Jean Marie that looks similar to a haunted Victorian child is disfiguring the thighs of her two living legacies.
Apr
30
Welcome to the Museum of Museum Experiences
On your left you’ll see our first exhibit titled “Coat Check.” Wait for just long enough to doubt whether it will really be worth it.
Apr
29
Insufficient Reasons for Using the Bat-Signal
The office toilet backing up is probably not the best use of The Dark Knight's time.
Apr
28
Praise for My Debut Novel
Readers will be delighted, frightened, and enlightened, though a few will want to skip a certain scene—you’ll know which one.
Apr
28
Why Wasn’t Your Book Dedicated to Me, Your Obvious Inspiration for the Antagonist?
And his use of my signature catchphrase, “Smell you forever because you stink that bad.” I knew I should have had that copyrighted.
Apr
26
I Can Only Assume You’re Ignoring My Unsolicited LinkedIn Messages Because I Haven’t Sent Enough
It’s been 34 minutes since my last message, and you haven’t jumped on the chance to implement BRAINDRAIN to help your organization.
Apr
25
A Mid-Life Crisis in the Middle Ages
I no longer wish to ride an aging plow horse. And yet, when I ride to the horse dealer and request a sleek, red mustang, I am met with ridicule.
Apr
24
Lost Dog: Do Not Chase, Respectfully Acknowledge
If spotted, DO NOT CHASE. Instead, acknowledge his beauty, respectfully. Obviously all dogs are beautiful, but he’s a stunner.
Apr
23
The NSA’s Digital Threat Report on Me, User #119182
Instead of opening and deleting messages as he received them, User #119182 has kept every email he has received since creating his account in 2009.
Apr
22
Cancel Dolphins: New Earth Day Faves for a Fucked-up World
Wired: Earwigs. Bugs, but heavy metal and down to party. With those pincers you know they’re into some dark shit.
Apr
21
I Think My Pen Pal Might Be My Dog Trying to Get a Bite of a Ham Sandwich
I’m really excited to get to know you better! Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What are you eating right now?
Apr
19
Nosferatu’s Review of Coachella Weekend One
My shadow grows long on the playa, striking fear into the hearts of those who dare utter “Missy Elliot is kinda mid.”
Apr
18
Paul Revere Updates the Bachelor Party He Still Hopes to Attend
Good news—lantern stuff is done. Borrowed John’s (as in Larkin's) geriatric horse and am headed to Concord now.
Apr
17
Urgent Recall Notice: Your Brain
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely.
Apr
16
Alumni Mag Updates from Graduates Who Are Just Chillin’
James Davis (’20) is the founder and chief creative officer of a conspiracy theory about the Slinky.
Apr
15
Does Listening to an Audiobook Count as Reading If I’m Asleep?
Some part of my subconscious is absorbing everything though, right?
Apr
14
Your Bank’s Insurance Application Has Been Denied Because It’s in a Heist Movie
Remember the opening scene from "The Dark Knight"? That was one of ours.
Apr
12
My Dog Is an Expert Food Critic, and Here’s Her Latest Review
Customer service is, as before, abysmal. It requires at least three begs, a yip, and an emphatic paw stomp to get any attention from the staff.
Apr
11
Stage Directions for a Stock Photo Shoot for a Market Meltdown
Try it again and think about every stock market in America crashing into fiery flames like the Hindenburg.
Apr
10
It’s Time for Celebrity Talk Shows to Up the Ante
Tech Check: Celebs reflect on life, love and their rise to the top while being interrupted by their grandfather asking for help with his smartphone.
Apr
9
Diary of a Prehistoric Teen
Mother say I need to stop moping around cave and get outside. So come up with a plan.
Apr
8
Excerpts from the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, If Holmes Was from Chicago
“This is my friend, Sherlock Holmes. He’s from America.” “Not just America, actually. I’m from Chicago.”
Apr
7
If Paul Revere Was a Mathematician
Belphegor's prime if you feel the nation’s morals are lacking and perhaps we do need the firm hand of a monarch.
Apr
7
Making the Most of “Be Kind to Lawyers Day”
Claim: Most lawyers find that cilantro tastes like soap. / Foundation? Foundation, but most things taste like soap to lawyers.
Apr
5
How to Enjoy a Movie with Your Significant Other Even Though All Major Actors Haven’t Been Identified Yet
Undergo hypnosis therapy: you can’t lose time recalling an actor’s name if you never knew their name to begin with.
Apr
4
How to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Turn the sheet so that the elastic edge faces you. Do not look directly at it, lest it sense your anxiety.
Apr
3
I’m the Guy Who Deletes Your Job Application When You Apply Through an Online Job Board
But no one really knows what they want when they’re hiring, and that’s why there’s me. To get rid of people like you. Quality people.
Apr
2
Don’t Be Nervous on Your First Day of Time Travel Because You Retired Yesterday After Fifty Years and We’re All Going to Miss You
Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex.
Apr
1
What the Adult Class You’re Taking Says About You and Your Divorce
Pottery: This one is simple: the night your wife called things off, you drank an entire bottle of wine and "Ghost" randomly started playing on Tubi.
Mar
31
Rejected Muppets
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
Mar
31
Am I the Asshole for Giving My Daughter a Haircut?
Jump to conclusions why don’t you? I did not lock her in a basement. I’m not a monster. We live in a tower.
Mar
29
Telltale Signs Your Mysterious New Boyfriend Is Actually Rumpelstiltskin
Is he “ugly-hot” or does his face bear the mark of an impish, Germanic evil?
Mar
28
I’m the Owner of the Little Boutique You Just Walked Into—Good Luck Leaving Without Buying Anything
Are you looking for anything specific today? Just browsing? Awesome—mind if I watch from the other side of the room?
Mar
27
I’m the Devil on Your Shoulder and I See You Just Started a New Hobby
Remember how excited you were about the pottery wheel that’s now a hat rack? Or the sourdough starter you ate raw on day three?
Mar
26
An Open Letter to the Man Who Catcalled Me from a Razor Scooter
Be still my heart, for chivalry is not dead—merely wheezing along at three miles per hour.
Mar
25
Your Subscription to Humor Is About to Expire
Our value option, the Chuckle Tier, includes smirks, knowing smiles, and obligatory chortles at the wisecracks of uncles.
Mar
24
A Month-by-Month Guide to Your Baby’s First Existential Milestones
2 months: Reaches for objects despite knowing they will only end up possessing him in return
Mar
24
Hastings Entertainment Store Changed My Life
It is May 10, 2008. I am nine years old. I purchase the book Frindle from Hastings Entertainment Store. My mind grows fat off its teachings.
Mar
22
Me? Oh, Just Living the Dream
So now I’m a child, still bouncing on the trampoline—did I mention the forest floor is made of trampoline?—and I’m trying desperately not to cry.