>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 61 – December 7, 2003
Now Playing: “Authority Song” by John Mellencamp
First the good news: This will be the last edition of Text-Heavy before I go away on crazy non-denominational holidays. What will I be celebrating this year? Christmas? Hannukah? Kwanzaa? Ramadan? Who can be sure? One thing is certain, though: There will be no column from now until the new calendar year. Unless, I suppose, you follow the lunar calendar like some kind of crazy pagan. Here's what happened:
-Ever notice how nobody ever uses function keys anymore? When was the last time you had to, say, press ‘F11'? Keyboard manufacturers are stuck in the past, if you ask me. And don't even get me started on the ‘Scroll Lock' button.
-Quick Note to People Wearing Santa Hats in Public: You're not fooling anybody. We know you're not really Santa. And you look like idiots.
-I was watching TV and there was an ad for a furniture store. They told me that the prices were “not a mistake” and to “not attempt to adjust my television set.” I think it's amazing that in the year 2003 we still have commercials that warn against adjusting the tv. But I tried adjusti ng my tv set anyway. They were right.
-I was typing out that last joke, when I temporarily forgot what year it was. It was only for a second, and then I remembered again, but in that brief moment when I totally blanked on the current year, I got to thinking: I think watching “The Next Joe Millionaire” is actually making me dumber. You'd think I'd at least have the good sense to change the channel when a furniture commercial comes on.
-My friend was telling me about the “Listening Comprehension Exam” he had the other day. Or something to that effect. I wasn't really paying attention.
-In my quenchless thirst for the perfect Christmas gift, I found myself at the porn store. I was looking for a video to get for a friend (I swear!), but I don't really know a lot about the porn ‘biz'. I don't even know if the porn ‘biz' is called a ‘biz' at all, or if they prefer ‘industry'. I noticed that when they sort the videos on the rack, they are arranged by fetishes. Did you know there's an ‘Asian' fetish? And that it's apparently very popular. I think that's really weird. I didn't see any other races or cultures represented as a fetish. There's no ‘Jewish' fetish, that's for sure. I don't even know what a Jewish fetish would be. I'll bet it would involve dreidels, though.
-Every couple of years, McDonald's changes its image. I remember being little and seeing these colorful little ads with Ronald and Grimace and the whole gang frolicking in the Playland. What happened to those days? What happened to Grimace? What the hell WAS Grimace? Some sort of purple, amorphous blob, I guess. These days, McDonald's has this new ‘In yo' face' ‘tude that's ‘totally whack'. There's all these tough looking kids skateboarding, screaming, slamming down Big Mac's, beating down Grimace like a pinata. At one point I'm pretty sure one of them yells something anti-semitic. It's like a sell-out Oi band music video.
-Typical Two-Step Christmas Shopping Routine: 1. Walk around mall for seven hours, ‘browsing'. Do not buy any presents, as this requires valuable money that you could otherwise spend on colorful drug habit. 2. On December 24th, make rush trip to Wal-Mart moments before closing time. Purchase three dozen Chia pets. These can be given to everyone on your ‘gift list', and invariably illustrate the warm holiday message: “I have a porcupine made of moss on my coffee table. And I hate you.”
-Quote of the Moment: I know a lot of you readers are college students, and a lot of you have gotten seasonal jobs working in various retail establishments. This is fine. Here's the thing, though: If I come in holding a dozen colorful bags, and you feel the need to make some sort of conversation with me, don't look at my bags and say: “Getting some Christmas shopping done?” It's not a cool line. Especially since everyone else is saying it. And ESPECIALLY since you're wearing that damn Santa hat.
-And, finally, one of the best parts about Christmas shopping when you're poor is the thrill you get just after you've paid with your debit card but before the transaction is approved. It's kind of like pulling a slot machine. You're looking at the screen, it says ‘processing', you start sweating, there's a lineup of nine people behind you, and you're afraid it's gonna say ‘declined' and then everyone will laugh at you. I don't need to go to the casino. I just pay with my debit card all the time. Even if I'm only buying a pack of gum.