>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 28 – April 20, 2003
Now Playing: “Awnaw” by Nappy Roots
I apologize in advance for the Judaism 101 included in this issue. I apologize doubly for the unusual level of offensive “humor” contained herein as well. I realize that it is off-color, tasteless and inappropriate, and fully expect to be yelled at and cyberslapped repeatedly. Thing is, I've been home for nearly a week, and have thus been yelled at more in the last 6 days than I have in the last 8 months, so go on, give me your worst. If you think you can rise up to the challenge of hating me more than my family does, you are sadly mistaken. Here's what happened:
-People Unclear on the Concept, Part 836: I'm on the plane ride home, and I sit near this lady wearing a surgical mask on her face. A little peculiar, I think. I ask her what it's all about. She tells me she's afraid of getting SARS, and she thinks this is going to protect her from all those “Chinese people that are spreading the disease” (her words). I ask her if she thinks that will really work, and she tells me it doesn't hurt to try. She offers me her box of surgical masks (they come in boxes now), and tells me to try one on. I'm looking at the box, right on the front: “Made in Hong Kong”. (Not that it matters, but I don't think there was a single Asian person on the plane, either.)
-On the ferry to Seattle, I sat beside a girl who started whining that she wanted a cookie, even though the ferry kitchen had closed. I told her that even though the kitchen was closed, they don't just throw out the cookies, and so if she asked really nicely, maybe they would sell her one. Then she told me I was probably right, but that she didn't have any money. I told her to just go up to the counter and pretend she has diabetes. She didn't, but imagine how quickly she would have gotten a cookie if she had. There are very few problems in life that can't be resolved by pretending you have diabetes.
-“Red-Eye Flight” does NOT mean “a flight that takes all night”. It means “a flight that takes all night during which you get no sleep because the arm of the overweight hag sitting next to you keeps spilling over the armrest and suffocating you just as you're about to fall asleep, and when you call the stewardess to politely ask to change seats she tells you that there are no free seats available despite the fact that you can plainly see an entire empty row right in front of you, and also they're all out of pillows.” I just wanted to set things straight.
-I'm home in time for Passover, which some might say is a big mistake. Here, for the uninitiated, is the way a Seder works: The men go to synagogue until sundown while the women stay home and prepare the meal. By the time the men get home it's 8:00pm and everyone wants to eat, but you can't, because this is a Seder and we're going to do it right for once, God damn it. The Seder has 15 parts, or quests, that must be completed before you're allowed to eat supper. The food is set on the table so you can salivate, and then you read the story of how the Jews were enslaved by the Egyptians and forced to pick cotton or whatever the hell it is we're whining about, I can't really tell since it's pretty much all in Hebrew. There's a lot of raising of wine glasses, ceremonial dipping of celery stalks in salt water, and much chanting. By the time you get to the 13th quest (“The Feeding”) it's about 11:30 and everyone's so hungry we forget about how bad Matzah really tastes. Then, the next night, you do it all again (apparently we didn't get it right the first time; God was displeased). I don't know why I bother with this charade year after year, seeing as I'm so clearly going to Hell anyway. I may as well eat dinner at a decent hour.
-Jews don't get to celebrate Easter. We don't get egg hunts or chocolate bunnies or anything of the sort. In fact, because Easter happens at the same time as Passover, we're not even allowed to eat chocolate bunnies (don't ask). I remember being a little kid, and seeing kids bring to school all this chocolate and stuff, and I'd get, well, Matzah (“Looks like cardboard, but tastes worse.”) I wonder if there are any Jewish holidays that even sort of compete with their Christian equivalents (“Aw, I'm sorry you didn't get a PlayStation for Christmas, Emmanuel. Here, have a dreidel. No, no… Have two.”)
-Quote of the Moment: I had to store a lot of my stuff in the University storage lockers. They cost $50 for the summer. I asked the disgruntled UVic storage locker attendant what happens if my stuff gets stolen over the summer. She said: “The university is not responsible for stolen items. But we'd probably give you your $50 back. I can't promise anything” Isn't that touching? She might as well just carry bolt cutters around with her.
-It should come as no surprise that I have no job lined up for the summer. It's not my fault, really. The job market is in the toilet right now, but I'm looking really hard to find some work as soon as possible. At least that's what I keep telling my mom whenever she interrupts my Nintendo playing to ask why I don't have a summer job yet.
-And, finally, I've been sick for the last month or so. I don't know what it is, quite possibly SARS. I have a horrible cough that sounds like I've been smoking for the last 10 years, and I'm all pale and look like I could, at any moment, without notice, melt. Now a lot of people would see this as a real downer, what with the potential lethality of it all. I've decided to take a more optimistic approach. The next time I'm trying to get a piece of someone's chocolate Easter bunny, this disease is going to make it a lot easier for me to convince them that I really do have diabetes.