Dear Fugly,
I've been nagging my boyfriend for years to propose and I think it might finally happen this Valentine's Day. We're going to my favorite restaurant in the whole world, The Old Adobe! I'm prepared to act surprised when I find a ring in my flan, the only problem is, what if he doesn't pop the question? I will be filled with a bloodthirsty rage, and I'm afraid I might hurt him. Fugly, how do I control my anger if I don't get engaged?
Anxiously Yours,
Nina
Dear Nina,
Fugly is very jealous that you have a dinner date at The Old Adobe. Fugly and her Wappo Indian tribe helped craft the bricks of The Old Adobe with clay, Elmer's glue and buffalo shadoobies. Fugly will be spending St. Valentine's Day spooning a centerfold of Zac Efron from her Teen Beat periodical. Nina, maybe you shouldn't be such a bossy shrew. Fugly would be happy if she had a mountain goat to keep her warm at night, let alone a human gentleman caller. Just enjoy having a BF. But if you must get married, tell him you're pregnant with his Siamese twins and if he doesn't marry you, you'll extort massive amounts of child support from him.
Kisses,
Fugly
Hey Fugster,
I just started watching that show Big Love on HBO… you know, the one about polygamy? I think I could pull off the multiple wife thing but how do I break that to all the ladies I'm seeing independently right now?
Kisses,
Peter
Dear Peter,
This may surprise you, but Fugly lived in the West Texas Polygamist compound. Fugly was too decrepit and wrinkly to find a husband—the men only went for firm, blossoming preteens with renegade unibrows. Fugly was there working off her DUI by doing community service as a free midwife. Fugly still doesn't know why she deserved a DUI for riding her camel home gassed from The Last Dick Saloon. Jasmine (the camel) was plenty sober, it was Fugly who was full of spirits. Anyway, Fugly was assigned to a family with 7 pregnant wives, and one day they simultaneously went into labor and began shooting out babies in every direction. Fugly tried to duck, but she caught one right in the eye and received an unsightly shiner. What I'm trying to say, Pete, is that polygamy is an unappealing lifestyle. Those Lord Lovers don't use birth control and you will have babies flying all over the place. Date lonesome, sterile Fugly instead.
Nuzzles,
Fugly
aster Flex,
I really want to show my girlfriend a good time on Valentine's Day. Scratch that, I want it to be magical!! Unfortunately, my job at the Christian Science Reading Room doesn't pay very much. Fugly, how can a show my lady a glorious time with $28.87?
Best Wishes,
Bernard
Dear Bernard,
Fugly once performed an exorcism for only $2.50. Turns out Satan can't tell the difference between holy water and a goblet full of sizzling dry ice. Anyway Bernard, $28.87 is more than enough to create a magical evening. Grab your slingshot, hunt some neighborhood squirrels and cook them over an open flame (a lighter or a welding torch perhaps). That takes care of your dinner for free! When your lady friend shows up, be nude, covered in cool whip with a McDonald's Happy Meal toy wrapped in newspaper. Present her with the toy and a barbequed squirrel on a shish kabob stick and she will be yours forever.
Happy Vday!
Fugly