Steal These Tweets: America the Absurd

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Feel the freedom of mediocre life, questionable liberty, and the "are-we-there-yet" pursuit of happiness, with justice for some.

1. Holding the door open for a woman is a gesture by which men show they respect women by reminding them that they couldn't handle even the simplest tasks without a man.
2. It is illegal to read a text message while driving because of the danger, but it makes your child safer if someone is reading your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker while driving.
3. If you do a drug without corporate sponsorship, like heroin or crack, you are a "junkie" or an "addict." If you do a drug with corporate sponsorship, like Percocet, you are a "Brett Favre" or a "Rush Limbaugh."
4. "Don't judge a book by what the fuck is a book?" -Kids today
5. Arguably the most famous superhero in America, Superman hides his identity by pretending he has astigmatism.



6. Nothing says "I care that you care that I care about not caring" like designer sweatpants.
7. Fruit now tastes just like real fruit snacks.
8. The only unbelievable thing left is that people still think they have something to tell you that you won't believe.
9. You can't even point a gun at someone in public without the fear of being knocked out by a random teenager anymore.
10. Jesus died for our sins so that we could praise him with bejeweled crosses on the ass of $100 faded jeans.
11. Taylor Swift has accumulated a $200 million net worth while we've had the pleasure of watching her blossom from a poor, naive teenager full of angst, into a rich, naive teenager full of angst.
12. Parents and children go through 18-year cycles of one kicking the other out of their houses.
13. People can call me a "cracker," but I can't use the "N" word without someone saying, "Sir, we don't have Neopolitan, just vanilla or chocolate."
14. Millions read magazines that show candid photos of celebrities, proving that they're just like regular people, but with mansions. And jet packs. And immortality. And they don't go to jail.
15. "You're in OUR country, at least speak English!" yells a man in a language not indigenous to his continent.
16. "Cinderella Man" was the most disappointing gay porn that has come out in years.
17. Members of the Christian Right fearlessly prevent the termination of unwanted pregnancies by preventing the availability of a substance that prevents unwanted pregnancies.
18. America accounts for just 5% of the world's population, but 25% of its prisoners. In other words, we rehabilitate their antisocial behavior by isolating them from socializing.
19. A baby holding a weapon is the official mascot for Valentine's Day, as well as the NRA's next pitch, called the "Stand Your Playground" law.
20. "Extreme Weight Loss" is a television show on ABC that inspires millions of people to lose weight while remaining sedentary on the couch for an extended period of time to watch it.
21. "The Real Housewives of Orange County" is a show about real housewives from California, watched by real housewives from everywhere else.
22. At age 5 we are taught to share our toys. At age 25 we are taught sharing is socialism.
23. Anonymous is a hacktivist group that makes you feel better about the government violating your privacy with the slogan, ”We're always watching.”
24. Before the internet, people actually had to look like what they look like.
25. You are taught to never take candy from strangers, unless you are wandering innocently in costume from house to house like a sitting duck.
26. Jesus told Zaccheus to come down from the sycamore tree and not give half of his possessions to the poor because it enables them and creates a culture of dependency.
27. "Maury" is a show that teaches us that people with blurry faces make terrible boyfriends/girlfriends.
28. You didn't give it up for Lent until every single one of your Facebook friends knows about it.
29. We're considered weak because we haven't bombed anyone in a while, not because we all held our breath when Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars.
30. The best paid occupation is pretending that you're not pretending to be someone else on camera.
31. On any phone, you can dial "0" for the operator, or literally any other combination of numbers for the NSA.
32. People today talk in bigger fucking hyperboles than any other time in recorded history, possibly even before that.
33. At the Golden Corral buffet, every child under 10 must be accompanied by a mother under 17.
34. Religious persecution in the rest of the world: death. Religious persecution in America: "Happy Holidays."
35. Kim Kardashian's first marriage tragically ended after 72 days because the institution was corrupted by gay couples.
36. The key to life is being a 22-year-old girl on Facebook with the search for "inspirational quotes" favorited in her browser.
37. Notable followers of Christianity have begun to accept evolution and concede that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive impact from a comet or meteorite… sent by God to kill them for having sex before marriage.
38. My thoughts and prayers go to victims of natural disasters. My time and money go to seeing what Kanye ate for breakfast.
39. Cul-de-sacs are places where people live so that they don't accidentally turn into cul-de-sacs.
40. According to commercials, we all have a bright future of grimacing in general pain and talking about our colons when we get older.
41. If you don't have your ID on you and get carded buying cigarettes at the gas station, just show them your concealed weapon to prove you're of age.
42. People who get resources from their parents call giving resources to people who did not get resources from their parents, "entitlements."
43. The government has no right to impede on my right to impedge on the rights of anyone else.
44. 780 million people in the world don't have access to clean water. 316 million in America flavor their drinks because they don't want access to clean water.
45. "And go and make disciples of all men, by either tackling them or running from those looking to tackle you, then pointing at me in the endzone." -GOD
46. Every fall season, there are 26 new "#1 TV dramas."
47. People complain about money corrupting our politics, but nobody charters a jet, rents a Mercedes upon landing, and puts on their Armani suit to go to Capitol Hill and protest.
48. The best way to not see a ghost is to watch a professional ghost hunting show.
49. Non-conformists are a group of people who conform to not conform to groups of people.
50. In the Boy Scouts, you hang around exclusively with men, wear scarves and matching uniforms, hold hands and sing songs, and are given jewelry as you advance in rank. In the NFL, you hang around naked men in the locker room, after which a group of black men gang tackle a white protagonist while he grabs an oblong object from between the legs of another man bending over in front of him. You absolutely cannot be homosexual if you want to do those things correctly.