Spring Panic and Despair

There are a number of reasons that might cause a person to take an extended leave of absence from class: injury, sickness, a modded Xbox, a giant penis drawn on your forehead in permanent ink. I myself recently had to miss six weeks of classes after a rather embarrassing incident during an oral presentation. Or should I say a number of embarrassing incidents. All right, fine, I had seven separate erections in front of the entire class. And then I wet my pants when everyone made fun of me. Unfortunately word spread pretty quickly to the rest of my classes. It was a very emotional day for me. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best day for me to be wearing my “I just had 7 erections during an oral presentation” t-shirt. Also, it was probably a bad idea to show the video of it to the rest of my classes, but what can I say, I love the spotlight.

Anyways, now it’s two weeks from the end of class and you don’t have any notes since the midterm. Unfortunately, the last few weeks of school should never be spent learning, that’s what the rest of the year was for dumbass. No, the last few weeks of school should be filled with all the things you won’t be able to do once the school year is over and you have to move back home (unless you live with your parents while going to school, in which case you suck. Now go get your mom to tuck you in, you make me sick). You have just a few weeks left of binge drinking. A few weeks left to spend 15 hours a day playing video games. Just a few more weeks to lock yourself in the bathroom dreaming about that girl in your class that sits 3 rows in front of you and 5 seats to the left that you have loved all semester but never had the nerve to talk to. Oh, the times we’ve had together in my mind. The long walks on the beach, bicycles built for two, sunsets that turn into sunrises. Magical. Also, in my mind she gives great head. And has a twin sister. And knows who I am.

There are a few different ways that you can go about getting the information that you missed. One idea is to just read the assigned readings in the textbook and hope it covers what you need. However, if you were too lazy to go to class, you were probably also too cheap to buy the textbook. A better idea is to ask someone in your class for the notes. A much worse idea is to show your professor a video of you having sex with his wife and ask if it counts for extra credit. Honestly, he doesn’t want to see that. Just draw him a few pictures. Or kidnap his dog. Either way, bad idea.

Now that we’ve established that you need to get the notes, you need to ask the right person. For this, there are a few rules that you should follow. First of all, if you are a guy, don’t bother asking another guy. I tried this once in a moment of desperation, and asked a guy outside one of my classes if I could borrow his notes. He politely told me that he wasn’t in my class, and I felt a little embarrassed. He then proceeded to follow me into class and sit next to me for the next hour as if our conversation had never occurred. And then I was a little more embarrassed, but there is a perfectly reasonable excuse for this behavior. Every guy has had a fantasy where a hot girl asks him for his notes and they fall madly in love. You are not that hot girl; you will not get those notes.

Speaking of hot girls, don’t bother asking them either. They have no need to take notes. They are hot, and any guy will gladly give them theirs. Besides that, there is a well known direct correlation between looks and brains, and assuming you are trying to pass this course; your best bet is to ask someone smart. Ask the ugly girl.

Every class has one of these girls. She sits in the front of the class, trying her little heart out, praying in vain that some boy will choose her brains over beauty. No one ever will, but you will have to pretend to, just until you get her notes. All you have to do is make her feel a little bit special. Tell her that you really like the interesting comments she makes during class, tell her you think that her hair looks pretty, show her your penis during the lecture… no, wait, that last one is my sure fire way to pick up girls. Be her Prince Charming. As long as you rate at least 2.5 points above her on the classic hotness scale, she will give you the notes. If she doesn’t, maybe you should take another look in the mirror and start taking care of yourself you ugly bastard.

So you’ve got the notes and now you have to study. From my years of school I’ve learnt that every hour you spend in class can be counted as an hour of studying; therefore, every hour of class you miss means that you have to study for two. Or three, I’m not really sure, I skipped a lot of math. There’s really no way that I can help you with studying. Well, I could help you, but the only studying I know how to do is to relive that scene from Billy Madison and take off a piece of my clothing every time you get an answer right. Trust me, you might as well take your chances with cheating. At least getting kicked out of school will be less humiliating than that situation. What if you didn’t get any answers right and I had to wear these itchy clothes all day. Also, why the hell would I be humiliated if you got kicked out of school? I don’t even really know you, and I know that I don’t like you. So that’s the answer then, if you want to get through school without studying, cheat. But you really didn’t need me to tell you that, you could have just read it off the paper in front of you.