By staff writer John Marcher
October 14, 2007
There are some major issues to be resolved in the modern world, both on an international and domestic level, a lot of which will be addressed during the upcoming presidential campaign by people of all different political affiliations. I set out every week to do my part in fighting the good fight, trying to make this world a better place by using my intellect, psychological acumen, and dashing good looks for the betterment of society. This week however, I have finally cracked the case that has shaken the very foundation of civilization since the Mayans learned to make chocolate.
I have found a way to end the plague on society known as menstruation.
This red devil manifests itself in many forms. From an early age, it becomes apparent to even the most dunce-like of children that mommy acts a little differently three days out of the month. The timing of requests for toys and treats is carefully coordinated to avoid this blight on the art of child rearing. And it gets no easier with age. As you ascend the ranks of pubescence, dealing with your female peers in any circumstance from geometry to gym class becomes tainted by the presence of this frothy redcurrant medium.
“Imagine a society with women who are not only physically fit, but devoid of monthly cramps.”
It is only evident how truly nasty this vile brute is, however, when you have become involved with a significant other of the female gender romantically. Not only is there an absence of sexual activity when it's around, it is accompanied by a verbose compendium of complaints, emotional outbursts, and irrational behavior that would make a suicide bomber seem moderate. And don't think explaining the circumstances to your partner will help things either; to even mention the fact that a woman's ovulation cycle might in some fashion be contributing to their irrational behavior is an offense tantamount to state side terrorism. Men have lost their lives, their penises, and half of all their possessions for just such an offense.
Fear not though, dear reader, for I have found a solution to this blight on society that will single-handedly rid the planet of this creature, and with it all the sanitary napkins, maxi-pads, and pearl spring-loaded vagina blockers that the world has come to know and despise.
Amenorrhea.
Go ahead, say it aloud to yourself a few times.
(Amenorrhea…)
It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I think if I ever get duped into having a child, and it ends up being a girl, I might name her Amenorrhea (that or Magdalena, but that’s neither here nor there).
Amenorrhea is the absence of a period. It happens for many reasons, the most common of which is pregnancy (and breastfeeding). You can also chemically induce it (birth control) or contract it from one of numerous nasty diseases. But there is one other way you can achieve this beautiful state of physiological nirvana: exercise. That's right, you heard it here first, if you work your ass off at the gym for long enough, you will not only improve your physique to the point of becoming an object of worship, you will also stop having your period.
This solution is so wonderfully simplistic, and comes adorned with such an awesome set of side effects, I don't know if even my own omnipotent intellect can begin to comprehend the full set of ramifications. Imagine a society filled with women who are not only physically fit, but also devoid of the monthly body cramps, bloating, and general bitchiness usually attributed to the female gender three days a month. Imagine three more days a month of sex with your partner. Imagine all the cotton products generally used for sanitary napkins added to the comfort of our toilet paper. It would be like wiping your ass with an actual sheep. In fact, I think that's another great addendum to this plan, the breeding of hand-held dwarf sheep used specifically for wiping your ass. As you can see, the possibilities are endless.
The two-fold nature of this scheme’s awesomeness is so incredibly viable, I don't understand why it hasn't been instituted already. The Muslims already love to oppress their women, what with all the religious garbs and inability to become a valuable member of society thing going on. They could really just tack this on to their already stringent repertoire of shit you have to endure throughout the day. After you pray to the Mecca, 1000 crunches! All pilgrimages must beperformed on foot! No walking, only running around the Kaaba! You could announce this on a Sunday and roll it out on Monday as far as I'm concerned, and all you would have is an influx of requests for size zero burqas.
Here in the United States (or as I like to call it, the colonies), however, we could address a variety of issues that plague society. Obesity would go down, domestic abuse would be all but eradicated, and we could finally integrate the unisex bathroom into society at large. I don't know about you, but I've spent some time in female bathrooms throughout my life, and let me tell you something, we men are getting the short end of the stick on this one. Couches, mirrors, soft lighting, music and mints are just a few of the perks women enjoy that we don't when it comes to their communal space to excrete. We could replace all the Tampax in those vending machines with douches! I already talked about how wonderful the toilet paper would be. The evidence in support of this idea is so voluminous that it defies any one person to fully understand all the conveniences this concept would provide for us.
And so with this in mind, I think it would be a good idea for each and every one you out there to call your local senator and let him or her know where you stand on the hot button issue of enforced amenorrhea for 2008. Hopefully we can all find some middle ground and make this a bi-partisan (read: meaningless) issue for the upcoming election. I know one thing's for sure, it would help out Hillary in her bid for the White House.