Judge Justin's Second Court of Bitchslap

Some of you may not realize this, but I am a hardcore Red Sox fan (a subject I don't delve into nearly enough). So I have a simple method for determining guilt in baseball players. If they don't play for the Sox, they should burn in hell for their steroid usage. If they do, well, let them off with a warning.

Fine, I'll be objective. On the one hand, chicks dig the long ball. On the other hand, girls don't know shit about baseball. On yet another hand, it's fun to watch. On one final hand, does anyone really want Bonds to break Aaron's record? Did anyone want him to break McGwire's? Not me, that's for sure. Personally, I hope he develops some kind of rash at the base of his rectum that can only be cured by striking out and being sodomized by J.T. Snow on the walk back to the dugout.

As for Giambi, he's a Yankee, so fill in the blanks. Though I will say it's hysterical to see the Yankees' $120 million player go down in flames. Not as funny as when AROD eventually gets caught alone in the locker room fondling a Derek Jeter poster, but high comedy nonetheless.

For those unlike myself who don't TIVO “Access: Hollywood,” Tyler Durden and Rachel called it quits a couple weeks back. The reason: Pittski wanted kids, and Aniston didn't.

Even for a fair judge myself, this was a tough one. I completely respect Brad wanting any chance to bang Jennifer rawdog. Still, it's her body and what a body it is! Kids are retards anyway. However, I didn't much care for Aniston's excuse that she wanted to concentrate on her career. Umm, Jenny, what career? FRIENDS is over (thank God), and you've made two decent at best movies (“Good Girl” and “Office Space”, the latter of which would have been funny with or without you).

You're not exactly the female Kevin Spacey, and you technically peaked in 1995 when you had the classic Rachel doo, and didn't look like a skeleton. (Sorry, I let Joan Rivers write that last paragraph.) Meanwhile Pitt's made “12 Monkeys,” “Seven,” “Fight Club,” “Ocean's 11,” “Snatch,” “Sleepers,” and gave the funniest performance as a stoner ever in “True Romance,” and you think your life will be better without him? Bitch, please. I ain't gay, but if Brad Pitt wanted my kid, ummm, let's just stop there.

For those not in the know, here's some background. Apparently a tsunami (which is something like a cross between a flood, a hurricane, and Anna Nicole Smith) killed a ton of people over in, I think, Asia. Was it Asia? It wasn't Africa. No, it was Asia.

Anyway, the Forgotten Batman was raising money with the United Way to send over there to buy all the homeless people “One Fine Day” on DVD or something.

Bill O'Reilly, the biggest vagina on cable, caught wind of this, and claimed on his show “The O'Reilly Factor” that he was concerned the money raised wouldn't make it to the victims.

In return, Clooney claimed the foundation lost money because of O'Reilly's unresearched report convincing viewers not to donate.

First of all, let me just tell you I'm tired of us giving a shitload of money to other countries when something shitty happens. Shouldn't we be using the money for something domestic, like building a giant wall to keep Muslims out? (Kidding! Actually, I'm not.)

Second, where are the Sri Lankanites when something happens here? Oh sure, their whole country lives in PlayDoh houses, but whatever happened to “A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better…” or something to that effect.

As for O'Reilly, I love his show. That kind of blazing ignorance on cable TV is unmatched except for that “Strange Love” freakshow on VH1. He's an irrepressible douchebag of the highest order, and rides Bush's dick like a Six Flags attraction.

I guess if anyone's guilty in all this, it's the Sri Lankanites, who were already punished by God for not being Christian. (God, I've got to stop watching “O'Reilly Factor”)