You know what I'm sick to death of hearing about? Politics.
Ugh, who gives a shit? Politics, at least in my circle of friends, has become the drunken topic du jour. Now, when I was in high school, back when I used to listen to Mase's Harlem World and smoke the weed, we'd laugh about the inherent deliciousness of Bickford's pancakes and how funny clouds looked. But when I came to college and started drinking, well, drunk talk suddenly became synonymous with talking politics. I mean, is there any bigger buzzkill? And yet, whenever I get about 14 beers deep, one of my friends and me ends up going at it like Hannity and Colmes.
You know who I blame? Facebook.
Facebook has this bullshit “Political Views” option, and you have a choice between “Very Conservative,” “Conservative,” “Moderate,” “Liberal,” “Very Liberal,” and “Apathetic.” Personally, I think we should cut the options down to “Moderate,” “Apathetic,” and “Fucking Dumbass.” Because let's face it, if you're stupid enough to subscribe to a political theory on Facebook, you deserve what you get. Plus, remember, Facebook is merely a method to advertise oneself, a lot like online personals without all the creepiness (actually there's still a lot of creepiness, but it's more subdued, kind of like Vince Vaughn in Domestic Disturbance).
I live in Boston, which is like San Francisco with a drinking problem, and the liberalism around here is almost maddening. So of course, everyone (regardless of their background or actual political affiliation) claims on Facebook they're a liberal. It's like those girls who don't know jack shit about music, but don't want anyone to know they don't know jack shit, so they put bands like Ben Folds and Sublime in their “Favorite Music” category just to fit in. Oh you know they've heard one of their songs, but does that qualify as their favorite music? It does not. The lesson, as always: girls are idiots.
And really, how, in college, are you old enough to fully commit to a political theory? Do issues like health care and family rights and the economy really pertain to you? They don't. I mean, are Republicans threatening your beer? Is Joe Lieberman going to take away your Xbox? Will the Patriot Act record that thing where you cry during sex? It won't.
People in college nowadays are way too uptight about things. Like, remember in the sixties when they'd protest Vietnam? Yeah, that's what they told us. It was just a big excuse to smoke pot, bang dumb chicks, and drive goofy-looking vans. Believe me, everything the generation before us has said is a boldfaced lie. The moon landing didn't happen either.
And yet, campuses are overrun with political types bitching back and forth about affairs that really couldn't matter less. Let's face it, the people who are the most strongly political are the ones you wouldn't want to bang if your life depended on it. I hate to keep picking on the liberals, so I'll talk about my school's new conservative newspaper, the NU Patriot. Seriously, if you think the things I write are off-color, you've got to read this thing. It's worth the road trip to Boston to find a copy. And the kid who edited this thing looks like a Ninja Turtle on crack. Seriously, his Facebook picture has to be seen to be believed. I won't mention his name here, but do a little research and you'll see what I mean.
Here's what else drives me nuts about conservatives: their inherent need to defend Bush. It's ridiculous. Bush is an awful President. Awful. It's not just the fact that he's a horrific public speaker, or completely barren of any sensitivity toward anyone who's not rich and white, or completely unwilling to explain or apologize for a war that's growing more tiresome by the day, or the way he completely changed the subject past the war and the shit economy in 2004 and had everyone believing he should be re-elected because he's against gay marriage (which was brilliant, by the way—he completed exploited the ignorance of America and got re-elected despite everything else, and that’s amazing). So, Bush is an awful President. That doesn't make me liberal. That makes me awake. And yet, all kinds of conservatives endlessly advocate this guy as though we're talking about Lincoln: Redux.
Not that being a liberal is much better. Liberals, like conservatives, aren't so much dangerous as annoying. And I mean the hardcore liberals, like vegans. Give me a fucking break. Steak is delicious. So is chicken stuffed with ham. And you know what, I look pretty in a mink. So fuck off.
Furthermore, I honestly don't care about the environment. I'm telling you, regardless of what Al Gore says, the earth is going to be fine. So are the people. In eighty years, we went from barely being able to make a phone call, to summoning pages upon pages of midgets fucking donkeys on the internet within seconds. In another eighty years, I'm sure we'll figure out this global warming thing. And if not, who gives a rat's ass? We'll be long gone.
Do you realize we're the first generation of people who seem actively concerned about our great grandchildren? Did Harry Truman care one way or the other if dropping a bomb on Japan would result in decades of leukemia for the innocent Japanese civilians? Did Southerners in the 1800s seem concerned that in 100 years, black people would be freed, but the economic instability would result in distrust and violence between the races? Did the voyagers on the Mayflower give a rat's dicksack about bringing disease to Native Americans, crippling their people and forcing poor American college students to lose untold hundreds of dollars at a Mohegan Sun blackjack table? Of course not, so why should we? And you look dumb driving a Hybrid, so fuck off.
The only sane choice is to be moderate—to allow yourself to be flexible on political issues. I'm a moderate. I believe women should have the right to choose and gay people should be all right to marry.
Here's how I simplify it: imagine if tomorrow, George W. Bush (I don't preface his name with President because he's not my president) went on TV and said: “My fellow Americans, myself and Mr. Cheney have decided that from now on, all Americans must fuck one monkey per month.” Well, all the conservatives would say: “Oh yes, well said Mr. President, we will all fuck a monkey every month!” And they'd have their kids fucking monkeys and buying bumper stickers that say things like: “I FUCKED A MONKEY IN '06!” and “SUPPORT THE TROOPS! FUCK A MONKEY!”
On the other side, all the liberals would be appalled. “Fucking a monkey?!” they'd scream from the rooftops. “That's despicable and offensive. I can't believe what a bastard Bush is! NO, we will not fuck monkeys. We…WE WILL FUCK ZEBRAS!” And they'd all fuck zebras to show their civil disobedience, and they'd hold parades down the street and all the liberals would mount zebras while Tori Amos blares in the background.
On the other hand, the moderate will say to himself, “Well, I disagree with fucking monkeys. But I don't see how fucking a zebra is any better. I guess I'll stick with fucking humans.”
Now, which side do you want? Exactly.
You know how I decide my political views? I base them on what's going to affect me the most. Gay marriage? I don't give two shits about gay marriage. There's no plausible scenario wherein legalizing gay marriage could affect my life. None. Therefore, I support it. Abortion? I'm not a woman and have no intention of ever inheriting a woman's reproductive system, so I'm indifferent. (Personally, men shouldn't even be allowed to vote on abortion. How does it affect us one way or the other? And to show I'm fair to both sexes, I believe if there was a controversy over legalizing a creme that kept your balls from getting stuck to your leg, women shouldn't be allowed to have a say on that either.)
And if you're dumb enough to make blanket statements about people based on your political beliefs, then you're not an American. (Sorry, that was my conservative side).