Now Playing: “Blame Canada” from the South Park soundtrack
First off, this is a message, or “shoutout” for you ghetto fabulous kids, to anyone who feels a little uncreative and decides to rip off my column ideas. I am a very bitter and hostile person. I will write an entire column degrading your ass, so let the bitch beware! And away we go…
During the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, some 14 years ago, I was watching the Bruins-Canadiens playoff series. It's Game 3 in Montreal. During the singing of the U.S. National Anthem, the frogs in attendance began a chorus of boos. They were booing the national freakin' anthem. It's then that I realized that the war we need to fight isn't in the Middle East. It's up north. Here are 13 reasons (27, if you use the shitty metric system) to blow a fuckin' caribou-hole in the friendly Ninny to the North. By the way, I'm aware of the little controversy between French-speaking Canada and English speaking Canada. They both suck, and they are both about to get a Made-in-America boot up their ass. I shall refer to them as the Frogs and the Hosers, disrespectively.
Okay, on to the column, eh.
1. Celine Dion. The worst singer in the long, sad history of bad singers. Maxim Blender made a bullshit list last month about the worst songs of all time, and inexplicably Celine was left off, in favor of classics such as Snow's “Informer” and Deep Blue Something's “Breakfast at Tiffany's”. Here's a history question, don't ponder it too long, but what was more tragic? The sinking of the Titanic or the Celine Dion song on the “Titanic” soundtrack?
2. The Canadian flag. It's so boring. It's a goddamn leaf, surrounded by red stripes. Wow, your national symbol is a leaf, scary. Their national bird should be the blue-balled cockswallow.
3. The Montreal Expos, who will be playing a few of their home games this season once again in San Juan. No, not San Juan over by Ottawa. San Juan, Puerto Rico. So, to recap, because the Frogs can't appreciate the boys of summer, the Montreal baseball team will be playing in the land of cockfights and inner-tube road trips.
4. All the Frogs wanted to be their own country. Hey, Kermit and his buddies already tried having their own country. It's called France. That little experiment's already failed once.
5. They got all pissed at Conan O'Brien and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog for poking fun at their ville de shit. Not only is Conan the funniest of the late-night hosts, but Triumph is absolutely the highest of high comedy. Yes, hosers, funnier than your little SCTV. Speaking of which…
6. Yay, SCTV! We have Saturday Night Live. It doesn't mean much now, since SNL positively blows, but since SCTV was axed in the 80s, SNL has produced Sandler, Rock, Farley, Spade, Norm, Ferrell, Fallon etc. I'd say Lorne won that battle. Christopher Walken's “Blue Oyster Cult” sketch destroys anything Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara ever put together.
7. The CFL. I don't even have a joke here.
8. The use of “eh” as punctuation. Sickening.
9. Curling. Fun to watch, but so is a dog licking itself.
10. Their major cities aren't even major cities. Calgary? Edmonton? Vancouver? These aren't cities. Now, Montpelier, that's a city.
11. It's ass cold. I mean ass cold. I did some research and found that the average temperature in Canada is way too fucking low. And all that cold air stretches into the US, so I'm stuck spending my winters praying my nipples don't cave in.
12. They think they are badass because they have free health care. Hey, America could have free health care, too, but we sort of have more than 62 people (and eight horses) who LIVE in America, so yeah, that's a little costly.
13. Column-biting bastards who rip off my “Golden Rules of AIM” column. I'm calling my lawyer, eh.