By staff writer Harold Longfellow, Ph.D.
February 18, 2007
Historically, the plebian classes have always been entertained by overt displays of violence and brutality, and it would appear that the same applies to the dregs of our current society. On the day of the Super Bowl, loutish men regress to the state of cavemen, only able to yell and grunt while gorging themselves on lard and meat—but I suppose I need not inform any of you of that.
Because of their sheer numbers and the fact that their barely functioning brains are more susceptible than usual to messages involving breasts or beer, these men have enticed advertisers into paying more this year than ever before for commercial space. Personally, I’d say spending upwards of two million dollars for a thirty second TV spot is irresponsible and grossly unnecessary, but it’s not like anyone ever listens to me anyway. Nonetheless, these 30-second clips are only about 23 seconds longer than your attention spans, so I guess they’re about as good as any topic.
Well, that pretty much sums up the level of intellect involved in interactions among the youth these days. While this is probably intended to be some sort of a satire of ridiculous greetings like the “pound” and all the strange derivations of the high five that exist today, from my perspective as someone with intelligence and foresight it appears to be a reasonable, if not likely, greeting to be developed in the near future. I won’t complain, though, because if a slap in the face becomes a common greeting, I’ll finally have a reason to come out and meet all of you reading this right now.
Novelty Foam Fingers with Unnecessary Breasts: 2.5 (of 4)
What a clever punch line! For those who didn’t quite follow (certainly understandable—this commercial is the epitome of subtle humor), there are large-breasted women in market, so people want to work there. See what they did? Instead of taking the standard, uninteresting route of using commercial time to inform the public about the benefits of their products, they showed a lot of fake breasts. The advantage to this is, of course, that you’re all probably still drooling over them. The disadvantage, on the other hand, is that no one has any idea what the commercial was for.
Novelty Foam Fingers with Unnecessary Breasts: 2 (of 4)
Upon first inspection, it would appear that this old man is inspired by the delicious taste of Coca-Cola, something he had missed throughout the entirety of his life, to partake in all manner of thrill-seeking activities he had neglected during his life. With a closer look and some careful analysis, however, it is apparent that the caffeine in the drink overwhelmed the man’s frail body and drove him completely mad. In actuality, it is clear that this is a heavily veiled attack on Coca-Cola by one of their competitors. I must credit them for creating such a clever advertisement so obviously targeted at upper-crust, high-intellect individuals such as myself, since I think we both know you had no understanding of what took place during the commercial before reading this.
Novelty Foam Fingers with Unnecessary Breasts: 3.5 (of 4)
I don’t even know if I have the words to describe this, and I know quite a few words. “Bilious” and “trumpery” are good ones, but that’s beside the point entirely. While it certainly garners some points for originality, it loses quite a few more for drawing on bad children’s shows of the 90’s. Frankly, I have my doubts as to whether any of you have managed the basic skills necessary to garner a driver’s license, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter whether or not this commercial sells its product well anyway.
Novelty Foam Fingers with Unnecessary Breasts: 2 (of 4)
Thank goodness for something completely novel and different—a misinterpretation of a common phrase and some good, old-fashioned violence. At this point, I’m convinced that Bud Light’s advertising department is a bunch of drunken, feces-hurling monkeys. Luckily, their social customs are so similar to all of yours that no one will ever be able to tell anyway. Also, I was afraid the streak of beer commercials stereotyping minorities would be shattered by this monument of brilliance, but thankfully they’ve inserted an obviously out-of-place black man into this upper middle class suburban white party, because that “low five” trumps realism any day.
Novelty Foam Fingers with Unnecessary Breasts: 1.5 (of 4)
That’s all for now, because an actual quality sporting event just came on TV. Time to go watch the 1984 ice dancing finals!