By staff writer Harold Longfellow, Ph.D.
April 1, 2007
This week’s article is dedicated to a Mr. Nathan DeGraaf, who suggested that I choose pirates as a topic. His near-flawless logic is that I have already written about ninjas, and the two are, as he puts it, “…inseperable [sic]. Like peanut butter and [his] cock.”
On a completely unrelated note, I would like to say what a pleasure it is to be working with the high-caliber writers of Points in Case. The only things more enjoyable than the lofty level of intelligent discourse we achieve here are the steadfast work ethic and dedication of my colleagues. It is my profound pleasure to be associated with these patricians of writing. No, seriously. It’s just fantastic.
The sixth A is alcohol. I’m going to need more of it. This is what happens when young people don’t have their dreams crushed by society and stick with their original goals of becoming a pirate or a superhero. The advantage to superhero, of course, is that by they time they’ve realized they don’t have the ability to fly, they’re still fourteen stories up with no net below, ready to remove themselves from the gene pool.
Jolly Rogers: 1 (out of 4)
This one’s for you DeGraaf—after all, I doubt any of the other PIC writers could appreciate a pink-haired, prepubescent girl quite as much as you. Anyway, all you kids out there reading this, I want you to listen closely to the message of this video. You are a pirate, and you can do whatever you want with neither responsibilities nor obligations!
Now take that message, grab your cutlass (a large knife from your kitchen will do fine) and some rope, and go tie up the scurvy sea creatures that are your parents. Now throw them in the brig (trunk) of your pirate ship (mom’s minivan). Go to the deepest waters you can find (local public pool), and throw the sea creatures overboard! As they descend and the last breaths escape their lungs, tell them Harold Longfellow says that’s why you should spend time with your children instead of just sitting them in front of a computer and letting it do the parenting. Thank goodness I’m here to shape their young minds.
Jolly Rogers: 1.5 (out of 4)
For those of you not familiar, this is a parody of the “Ask a Ninja” series of YouTube videos. You’re probably so spoiled by the embedded videos in this column that you at least expect a link, but you’re not getting one. If you want background, you’ll have to go search YouTube yourself. It’s really not that hard; I promise.
Anyway, there are a few important lessons to be taken from this video. Apparently a fascination with leather and a webcam makes someone a pirate. Who knew? Also, the YouTube frenzy is now apparently so powerful that people feel as though barely known videos that are occasionally discussed on the internet warrant parody. Trust me when I say that even whatever piddling minority of the internet that are fans of “Ask a Ninja” won’t care about this. I also want you to know that if I could ax a pirate, you’d have one in the back of your skull right now.
Jolly Rogers: 1 (out of 4)
In one last attempt to find anything even mildly worthwhile on this particular topic, I bring you this. Unfortunately, it proves to be nothing more than an exercise in taking a joke that was mildly funny at best and driving it into the ground. The only thing that breaks the monotony of hearing the “arr” joke repeated constantly is a joke about… you guessed it… bestiality. If nothing else, I hope everyone learns from this video the valuable lesson that when the punch line of a joke is obvious even before the comedian begins to utter it, the joke is not funny, and when you tell the same joke every single time, it’s not hard to figure out what the punch line is going to be.
Jolly Rogers: 1.5 (out of 4)
This week we’ve learned that the only people who think that pirates are funny are middle-aged men who feel the need to do something to revive their youth but can’t afford sports cars. Aren’t you glad I’m here to teach lessons?