The Troll's Guide to Internet Comedy

You know what I really fucking hate? Jokes. If you're a troll like me, you probably hate them, too. But these internet jokers think they can say whatever they want just because it's funny. Well I've got news for all the comedy writers out there: nothing is funny, ever. So fuck you. We're not here to read your clever bullshit. We're here tofuck up your comment page with our unbridled fury.

But what exactly is “comedy”? According to troll experts, comedy is a form of hate speech designed to ridicule, confuse, and infuriate the reader and/or listener. Comedy articles take buzz words scientifically proven to trigger unexplainable outbursts of rage and hide them in riddles known as “context.” Now, whenever we trolls speak our minds about these so-called jokes, everyone gets all bitchy and tries to ban us from their stupid forums or make us shut up. Well, trolls are people, too. And we don't like stereotypes. There are all types of different trolls, and we all react differently to comedy.

In the interest of diversity and individuality, I have broken down the label of “troll” into rigid, explicitly defined categories. Which one are you?

Angry Troll (link)

You are one pissed off mother fucker. And you have every right to be! You know why? Because everyone on the internet is making fun of you!

Fuck yeah, someone's making fun of you! And that's fucking bullshit! Are you gonna fucking take that?! Hell no! Get mad! Start a fight!

Victim Troll (link)

You are made entirely of raw nerves. Every bad thing in the world has happened to you at least twice. And you're fucking bitter as hell about it. These fucking comedy people think they can make jokes about horrible things like it's no big deal. They say, “Lighten up, it's just a joke.” Bullshit. They do it on purpose. They want to see you cry. They thrive on your tears. They know your secrets. They know about the pain in your soul. They stab you in the face with comedy, over and over again.

So you need to fight back with your most powerful weapon: guilt. Make others feel awful for not feeling as awful as you. That'll shut them up.

Sensitive Troll (link)

Unlike the victim troll, your sadness does not stem from personal tragedy, but rather from the abstract idea of injustice and intolerance. You are a complete buzzkill, devoid of happiness and laughter. How could anyone laugh in a world filled with crippled children, starving families, and dead puppies? Life is sad, and humor mocks the power of sadness. Sadness does not like to be mocked. Sadness just wants to be sad forever. It's up to you to remind the world how miserable it should be feeling. People need to understand that jokes are very upsetting to those with delicate feelings, which is basically everyone.

You need to remind these cruel jokesters that every time they make someone laugh, they also make someone else commit suicide. Lots of people. Sometimes it just takes one “yo mamma” joke to send an entire herd of cross-dressing manic-depressive junkies plummeting over the edge of a cliff into Death's cold embrace.

Even just saying the word suicide is upsetting. Go ahead, say it.

Suicide.

You just made someone burst into tears.

But people think they can joke about it. They can't. They're worse than murderers. Their jokes are killing millions of depressed people every day. And the blood will always be on the hands of these “comedians.” And though they may seem indifferent, deep down they know that they're to blame. Because laughter is really nothing more than a deranged form of crying.

Expert Troll (link)

You are really, really, incredibly fucking smart. You are the expert on everything, be it foreign films, the Dead Sea Scrolls, or the origins of thrash metal. Whenever someone needs to know the right answer on any subject, they go to you. And even if they don't ask you to correct their idiotic and grossly inaccurate statements, they still need to know that they are wrong and you are right.

People depend on you for scientific truths, obscure facts, history lessons, and long-winded political diatribes. It's up to you to make sure that these uneducated fools are less wrong in the future. Making jokes is no excuse for lack of research or acceptance of popular fallacies. Any “punchline” requiring the suspension of disbelief is nothing more than a horrible lie. As soon as you start hearing things like “imagine” and “what if,” you can be certain that you're about to be assaulted by a shitstorm of frivolous nonsense completely devoid of any hard truth.

You can't just go around making shit up, you need facts. It's amazing that more people don't know these facts; after all, they've been written down in books. And as an educated troll, you've read all of them.

Lonely Troll (link)

You hate the opposite gender. You've been fucked over too many times and you're fed up. Men are scum and women are bitches. Whether you're a man-hating feminazi or a masturbating sociopath who still goes on about someone who trampled your fragile heart over ten years ago, the message is the same: YOU NEED TO GET LAID.

But the only thing standing in your way is all those people who won't fuck you because they're too shallow and evil to realize just how great you are, and they can't see past your creepy stalker exterior to get to the really deep emotional baggage that defines you as a person.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, the internet is full of arrogant whoremongers flaunting their healthy sex lives and happy relationships like it's normal. Well it's not. They can only attract the opposite sex through hypnotism and mind control drugs. They just pretend that people like them because they're “charming” or “funny” or “not a raging asshole and/or psycho bitch with daddy issues.” So they write their little cutesy articles about sex and pick-up lines and marriage. You don't even know what jokes are, you just know that they're hurtful and they're all directed towards you because the whole world hates you.

Holy Troll (link)

You know, it's sad, really. All these sick, twisted minds on the internet. They need help, they really do. They need Jesus. They need to turn their lives around and be shown the way, lest they burn in eternal troll hell.

Let us turn to the scriptures and hear the words of the troll god:

“Let no man speaketh ill of thy God, for I am a wicked awesome God. And should mine enemies approach thee with the talk of smack and of shit, doeth me a solid and rippeth them a new asshole, for they are bitches, and you are my dog. If thou doeth this for me, I shall get thee laid in Troll Heaven, and also there shall be free snacks.”

Pretentious Troll (link)

Your burden in life is the uncanny ability to see through everyone. You can make a full psychological profile on a complete stranger based on one paragraph. You instantly know about their childhood, sex life, hobbies, personal philosophy, and the exact size, scent, and mileage of their genitals. And you achieve this by endlessly quoting people, then explaining what they actually meant, or pointing out inconsistencies and errors, and what these things say about them as a person.

It's really beneath you to even respond to them, but you do, because you want to help them. And when they respond back to you with some snarky joke, you again remind them that they are sad and lonely and need to grow up and get a life instead of talking shit on the internet. And you fully explain to them in a lengthy and well thought out passage that they are, in fact, not worth wasting your time on. And for each new response, you will again remind them that they are just trying to get attention because they have no life and are not worth talking to at all.

But you're trying to help because they clearly need it. Obviously they're virgins, Nazis, and possibly serial killers.

Nazi Troll (link)

Unlike some of the other troll classes, you love internet comedy. You are one of its biggest supporters. Because you understand that when white people dabble in the taboo sector of racial humor, what they're really saying is, “I want to talk to you about swastikas and genocide. Please accept me as your Aryan brother.”

Even if they're not white, it's still what they were going for. So what better way to embrace them than typing shitty stuff in the comments section, right? Hell, even if it's not about racial comedy you should do that.

Maybe it's just a Pantera video on YouTube. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to associate it with your crazy twisted beliefs. But sometimes the authors just don't appreciate what you're doing. That's because they're cowards. They'll say shit like, “That's not what I meant,” or “You don't get the joke.” Sometimes they'll even use made up words like “facetious” or “ironic.” But don't let that get you down. That just means they're posers.

Psycho Troll (link)

There's nothing worse than hearing a joke about wife-beating, only to find out that the person making the joke doesn't even hit women. Some people think the idea of shoving a guy in wheelchair down a flight of stairs is hilarious. You? You don't laugh until you see the body. You're a bit like the Nazi troll, but without all the philosophy. You don't need trivial things like racism to make people uncomfortable.

Dead baby jokes? Boring. Beating an old lady to death with a dead baby while masturbating? That's more your speed. I don't mean just talking about. I mean doing it, and taking pictures and bragging about it.

And if someone doesn't like it you'll go to their house and take a shit on the goddamn carpet. Because you're a fucking wild man. You drink lighter fluid. You once got arrested for having sex with a donkey. You do not give a fuck. Anyone who accuses you of giving a fuck is in for a world of shit when you track down their IP address and hitch-hike to their door wearing a dead lady's face as a hat. And even if you've never done any of those things, you'll still fight the first person who calls you a liar.

Conspiracy Troll (link)

The main difference between you and the expert troll is that they get their knowledge mostly from books, whereas you get you knowledge from the alien transmissions of rogue Illuminati satellites. People are stupid and confused, and you need to enlighten them about the dark secrets of the universe. Your idea of truth is so twisted and convoluted that no one can ever successfully disprove anything you say. That's how you know you're right.

Don't even waste your time reading articles, just use the comment section to spread your crackpot gospels to the masses. All you need are a few key words from the title. Maybe it's an article called “Fun with Dildos.” Who cares about dildo jokes? Don't these people realize that dildos are evil mind-control devices created by Scientologists during the seventeenth century? But of course, people will just call you crazy and say that there were no Scientologists back then. And that's just what Lord Xenu wants you to believe.

Awesome Troll (link)

The only problem with being so awesome is that you can't relate to anyone else. You're so much better at everything than everyone else it's crazy. I mean, that shit's not even fair. It's like, nobody else has any talent. You could've done that shit way better. But someone else did it so it's all shitty and boring. You might as well give them the bad news. “You suck. FAIL.”

Yeah. That felt good. Man, they're just jealous cuz you're all like, smarter than them and shit. Even if it's like, they act like they're smarter than you, you know, it's like…whatever. Cuz they're not. Plus you could totally kick their ass. They're lucky you don't feel like it right now cuz you're stoned. Cuz you'd totally do it. And then you'd like, fuck their mom or something.

LOL Troll (link)

Few people truly appreciate the radical new things you've done with the English language. You have revolutionized the way we misspell, and your work in the field of cryptography is nothing short of amazing. Like a ransom note from a court stenographer, your every sentence is a haunting enigma. Outsiders have attempted to translate the unique dialect of the LOL troll, but they have never quite mastered it and always remain a step behind. In short, no matter what you write in response to anything, it will always be viewed with a mixture of disbelief and awe. Your legacy to the world will be one of confusion punctuated with emoticons.

Now that that's out of the way, let's start with the lessons.

Opinions are like assholes. I forget why, but I'm pretty sure it involves cock size and period blood. Also, you're an asshole.

Hey, you know who really loves fried chicken? HITLER.

Here are the basic things you need to know.

1. Any white person using the word “black” for any reason is a racist.
2. Hypocrisy is awesome.
3. Fuck whitey.
4. Your mom is a fat ass.

So what have we learned?

Shut the fuck up, that's what. Learning is stupid.

Justified outrage on controversial topics is a good start, but that's amateur hour in the troll kingdom. No, you need to find the bland, safe, sanitized-for-your protection shit. And you need to get fuck-all crazy about it. I'm talking about face-stabbing angry. For no reason at all.

Every personal opinion—no matter how cute, mild, or random—has the potential to be completely offensive and grossly misinterpreted. You need to unlock that potential.

Turn an article about Care Bears into a full blown culture war. Bring up sex stories in a discussion about popular music. Got a joke about airline food? You're a fucking terrorist. You're not allowed to talk about airplanes anymore. Remember 9/11? That's right, fucker. So don't mention airplanes. Or towers. Because then someone is going to make the connection that you worship Al-Qaeda. Then some suicide bomber will attack you, and if you say anything about the fact that he's got a bomb strapped to his chest, you suck.

Don't like apple pie? Fuck you, apple pie is delicious. Your opinion is wrong. Why do you hate America? Because your parents molested you, that's why. And LOLcats? Those cats are being exploited, you fucking monster. How do you sleep at night? I hate everything you stand for. Your mom should have aborted you.

And don't make abortion jokes, it's fucking offensive. And your mom's fat. Hail Satan.

Why the fuck is this article so long? Aren't you tired of reading yet? Doesn't that piss you off? You should be skipping this shit to make death threats in the comment section by now!

Why are you still paying attention? That was a test, and you just failed the fuck out of it! I mean, what the fuck? This topic is so goddamned unoriginal, and the writing is so mediocre…hell, it's like YOU wrote it. Maybe you did! I probably just ripped this off from you! Well good! Because it's mine now, motherfucker! Owned! Or…pwned. Or…pawned. For drug money. That's what I just did to you. I pawned you like a stereo and spent you on a crack whore. How does it feel, motherfucker?

Go ahead, tell me how sad and pathetic I am. All comments will be graded.

-Professor Dick Trollenstein

Continue to Part 2 (The Troll's Guide to Internet Comedy, Deluxe Expansion Pack) »