>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
December 22, 2004
Well, I was going to re-do the classic poem “Twas the Night Before Christmas,” but after just a stanza it proved way too much work. I was going to cleverly insert all kinds of inside jokes about Amir being Jewish (or Amish or whatever he is), Emmanuel celebrating Christmas with real reindeer, Nicole forgetting to do her Christmas cards, Justin getting a mail-order bride in his stocking, and Simmone getting hammered and having sex with the janitor at our fictitious offices, but it just didn’t work. That and I’m terribly lazy. By the way, Mike was going to be the backdrop for pin-the-tail-on-the-new-guy. So instead, I’m going to tell you what I would get all the people I hate for Christmas if I could afford it.
I would buy them the Tim Allen box set. I know this doesn’t technically exist, but it should, because it would be the perfect present for anyone who annoys the hell out of you including, but not limited to: ex-girlfriends who say the relationship has plateaued, stupid profs who base grades solely on attendance and bikers who ride in the road.
Why Tim Allen? Because the “Tool Man” may be one of the most annoying people on earth and he deserves to die, just like all those that I would give this set to.
Remember how lame his show used to be? I don’t care if it was supposed to be set in my home state. He’s a blemish on the industry and especially Michigan. Even after he got arrested for having a pile of coke big enough to sled down, Western Michigan University gave him an honorable degree. I know people at Western who would be happy to just get A degree…
But back to “Home Improvement.”
Here is EVERY plot for every episode of the entire series: Tim does something stupid. Usually it has something to do with his 1991 idea of masculinity, grunting and working on cars. Jill gets mad. Tim has a talk with Wilson who talks way over his head. Tim apologizes to Jill while butchering whatever the hell Wilson said and Jill eats it all up because Tim is just so fucking endearing: happy ending.
Kill me now.
Even his kids were the kinds that you just wanted to punch in the face every time they came onscreen.
Brad: soccer player, jock, fag.
Randy: pretty boy, fag.
Mark: wuss, loser, fag.
Remember how Mark always used to get picked on? Then he went semi-goth at one point and decided to make movies. I bet he got the shit beat out of him every day. I’d kick his ass. Then there was that rumor that Tim found out that Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the kid who played Randy, was gay and that’s when his character went to Venezuela or some shit for some hippie saving the earth thing. I laughed when Brad broke his leg and lost his soccer scholarship.
What about the gimmick with the neighbor. “Hidey ho, neighbor, Tim.” You never see his face. That’s so clever! OMFG will we EVER get to see his face? The suspense killed me for years. As it turns out, Earl Hindman doesn’t have a face. It was just clever casting.
After “Home Improvement,” Tim Allen, much like Seinfeld, managed to make it to the big leagues on the backs of his co-stars whom he left in the dust.
-Richard Karn managed to slingshot out of the role of Al to do Smokies Sausage Link commercials and Family Feud. Congrats, Al.
-Patricia Richardson is on some stupid Lifetime show. Not even women watch that shit.
-The boys live in a one bedroom in Queens. They shine shoes for quarters and blow each other.
If “Home Improvement” isn’t enough cause to hate Tim, there’s the fact that he has become more synonymous with Christmas then drunk driving accidents thanks to his THREE Christmas movies: “The Santa Clause,” “The Santa Clause 2,” and “Christmas with the Kranks.”
“The Santa Clause” had the dumbest premise ever, but still somehow spawned a sequel. When I run Hollywood, I vow to never do a pic like that no matter how much they pay me.
Let us not forget “Jungle 2 Jungle” and “Joe Somebody” which might be two of the most forgettable movies ever. Okay, you’re right: forget
them.
I did get a kick out of “Galaxy Quest,” but we’ll call that the exception that proves the rule. I’ll leave that out of the box set.
In a perfect world, this box set would come with one of those helmets from “Clockwork Orange” that pries your eyelids open so you have no choice except to watch. In a perfect world, I’d be boning Heidi every night too. This ain't not no perfect world. (Fuck off, Steve.)
Personally, I’ll be spending my holidays curled up watching Spike TV’s James Bond Marathon and drinking myself into oblivion. So from me to you, the warmest “fuck off” of the season…and some of you should be watching for that gift set in the mail…you know who you are.