Hindsight for the Romantically Hopeless
>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
February 16, 2005
Once again I am going to prove the utter and complete uselessness of this column by doing a Valentine’s Day piece.
Not only did Valentine’s already come and go, but I’d be surprised if any of you had anything else to do other than stare at the wall and touch yourself. Some
of you may have gone that extra mile and used your left hand. I’m sure it was a very special night for you and Miss Michigan. The flavored lotion was a nice touch.
Congrats.
One of my buddies once said that Valentine’s Day is nothing but “sex for presents day” to those in relationships and
“masturbate angrily day” for those not in relationships. This is sage wisdom, but today’s modern man needs to have a trick or two up his sleeve…and
that can be hard to come up with in between playing poker and drooling on yourself. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.
I present to you: Beech’s “Hindsight is 20/20” Guide to a Sweet Ass Valentine’s Day
I know, I know, it’s cool to hate holidays like this because they’re fake and consumerized. Days like this are manufactured money suckers that are invented to
sell cards, teddy bears and recycled monuments that have been shaped into little hearts and emblazoned with the language of love:
-Be Mine.
-I wuv you.
-Panties off now.
With the exception of that last phrase, the biggest response you could ever hope to get is a yawn. The last will of course either get you laid or a broken jaw.
The point is that, chalky candy aside, there’s a much better way to do things, but first you have to find someone.
The Pickup Line:
There have been millions of books and websites devoted to these already so I won’t waste your time other than to give you my personal favorite line that has never
failed. I warn you though, it’s so potent that I recommend that you only use it in times of desperation… or at least extreme drunkenness:
“I’ll give you $20 and never tell anybody if you sleep with me.”
Now that her heart is won, now what? Ladies like to be treated like they’re special (I know, what a drag), so you’re gonna have to put some effort into the
four main phases of the night: The Gift, The Food, The Activity, Later.
The Gift:
Don’t over think this; it’s really the easiest part…because you really only have two options:
A) Go into a place like The Body Shop or Bath and Body Works or Work Bath Bed Body Shop Beyond Salon, cover your eyes and grab for anything. Peach scented?
Perfect.
B) Wrist and ankle cuffs. Bonus points for gimp mask and Siamese Swing.
The Food:
It’s only food. You think it will taste that much better if you pay $125 for it? You’re wrong. Wrong and stupid. That’s hard earned money that can be
spent on booze and strippers. Here are a couple low-budget ideas:
A) Make dinner. Even a slovenly beast like yourself can make something. And yes, grilled cheese counts. If you’re still in the dorms, just microwave some soft
batch chocolate chip cookies. Chicks love chocolate. Panties will be hitting the floor in no time. Not hers of course, but the girl your roommate brought home. Watch. Take
pictures.
B) Take her to Taco Bell and tell her that it’s so cliché to go out for a fancy dinner on this “disgraceful fake
holiday.” Promise her that you’ll take her out for a special night that doesn’t have a whole card section at Hallmark attached to it. For bonus points
get indignant about the hypocrisy of the American people and pretend to be so upset about it that you can’t eat. Remember to sell it with your eyes. Your soulless,
empty eyes.
After your tummies are full it’s time to move on to the next phase…
The Activity:
This is the trickiest part of the night by far because it really depends on the girl. Sure she’s a chick so she probably likes to knit, cook, clean and have babies,
but doing something different for a change can be nice too. It will help her grow as a person; something she’ll thank you for later.
A) Go to a soup kitchen for the homeless. Not to eat. We already covered that. Not to volunteer either. Who has time for that? Remind her that she could be stuck
there all the time instead of out with you. She’ll be so grateful that you’ll probably get a BJ in the dirty alley behind the shelter where the bums go to
urinate after dinner.
B) Take her to a movie like Hitch. It’s so bad that she’d much rather fool around with you than watch it. Score! For bonus
points, do the popcorn trick and beat up a guy for talking during the movie. She’ll swoon.
C) Walks in the park are lame. Go for a walk next to the largest interstate that’s nearby so that you guys can
“talk.” Not only will you not be able to hear anything she says, but she won’t be able to talk for a week because she lost her voice trying to shout over
the noise. Not convinced? If you get tired of nodding contemplatively and shouting “WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU” you can always play in traffic to pass the
time.
D) Get tested for STDs together. Nothing says “I love you” more than peeing in a cup. Hold hands while they draw blood,
just keep the other hand in your pocket with your fingers crossed that you didn’t get syphilis from that chick with the nose ring.
Now that you’ve got that out of the way, time to move on to…
Later:
There’s only one thing to do “later,” and if you don’t know what it is I can’t help you.
There you have it: Beech’s “Hindsight is 20/20” Guide to a Sweet Ass Valentine’s Day. Only 363 days until next Valentine’s Day. Now that you know what to do, you just have to find someone to go out with.
Maybe Justin can give you some advice that…
Nah.
COMING SOON: HAVE YOU SEEN MJ’S CHILDHOOD AND DOES HE DESERVE THE GUILLOTINE?