Spring Breakthroughs Content
>>> Edited For
By staff writer Mike Forest
March 23, 2005
Ah, Spring Break. The time when young ne’er-do-wells gather at beaches across the world in the smallest bathing suits they own with the goal of drinking until they
can’t remember that they signed that form to be on the cover of “Girls Gone Wild: Yay! More Titties.”
Don’t worry, you can keep that cute tank top forever. When dad asks why you’re on TV showing your mangos, explain to him that he
just doesn’t understand your generation. He’ll understand. Just be prepared to tell the Confirmation Committee the same thing.
These are the 00’s (oughts), not every woman dreams of being a stay-at-home mom like the good ol’ days of ‘98 and ‘99. Women want careers outside
the home. They want education. They want equal salaries. These days a woman can do pretty much anything she wants (except be president of course). They have no qualms
about cutting in front of you in the line for the keg, even if you’ve been there, like, 20 minutes already. Get out of the way of these women. They’ll eat you
alive and then pick their teeth with their Manolo stilettos.
“No white girl has ever looked good in a hairdo of tiny braids with beads. Instead, try a protein face wash every night.”
What I can’t understand is why this generation of young, intelligent hotties insist on flashing their grapefruits on camera for
low-quality DVD’s that are sold at $20 a pop. Surely this will have repercussions down the road:
Senator Bob: Ms. Smith, you have an excellent record. Your judgments are true and sound. You’re a perfect candidate for the Supreme Court. However, I
can’t help but think that you look familiar.
Ms. Smith: I used to work at the Arby’s next to the mall.
Senator Bob: No, that’s not it.
Ms. Smith: I’ve been on CNN, Court TV and the Dennis Miller Show.
Senator Bob: No, no that’s not it. I’ve never even seen the Dennis Miller Show. (No one has.) *Rummages in his briefcase and pulls out a DVD* Aren’t
these your cantaloupes on the cover of “Girls Gone Wild: Sexy Beachy Nudity Shower Fantasy with Verne Troyer”?
Ms. Smith: I can explain—
Senator Bob: Next!
Ms. Smith: But—
Senator Bob: I said NEXT!
Now Ms. Smith has nothing else to fall back on except her big box o’ beads. Shoulda kept your peaches in your crappy tourist t-shirt. (The one with the clever saying
about tequila.) That watermelon necklace doesn’t look as good now, does it?
“Beech, what are you doing for Spring Break?”
Thanks for asking. Due to my lack of funds, the fact that my personal helicopter is in for repairs, and a bunch of friends who suck ass,
I’m stuck by myself in Michigan (motto: “It’s snowing…again”) with nothing to do for a week. That’s not true, I’m not totally
alone, there’s always the Internet. I can go and meet people
there.
Kill me now.
I have a theory about what kind of people go where on Spring Break: Nobody ever vacations in Michigan. Ever. People in Michigan go somewhere where there’s a beach.
People who live on beaches go skiing. People nicknamed “The Beech” who live in Michigan sit and masturbate for a week straight.
The above statement isn’t totally true; I’ve been spending more time (awake) at the office. In between one-person farting contests and protractor darts
I’ve been driving everyone here at PIC crazy with my rendition of that Jack White/Loretta Lynn Song.
Random tangent: Do you ever wonder if Jack Black and Jack White are really the same person or at least the same opposite person? Me either.
Coal Miner’s Daughter my ass…her boobs are probably all black and shit.
It’s so boring here at PIC that I’ve gotten tired of putting laxatives in the coffee pot and just started downing the suckers for my own amusement. I’m
actually typing this from the toilet. It’s not just jokes that’s pouring out of me this week.
The other day for shits and giggles we produced our own GGW video and put Simmone on the cover. No one bought it because they said they had already seen her honeydews. We put Mikey on the cover and sold out in 18 hours.
Unfortunately for him, he already lost the t-shirt we gave him and no, we’re not giving him another.
I’ll leave you this week with a few SPRING BREAK TIPS:
• No white girl has ever looked good in a hairdo of tiny braids with beads on them. Want to come home looking beautiful? Try a protein face wash every night. I hear
it’s good for hair too. You can also start the morning with a sausage and protein shake. You’ll come home healthy as a horse. A really healthy horse. I
promise.
• That t-shirt that says “Una tequila, dos tequilas, tres tequilas…piso” is really funny. You should buy twelve of
them.
• If the cops come to evict you from your rented beach house that they say is unsafe due to coastal flooding, do not argue with them
and scream that you’ll “show them what a real act of god is.”
• Hookers in exotic locations like Bora Bora, Sandusky and Myrtle Beach never have any STD’s and can’t get pregnant. Forget
the rubber and make the most of your $20.
Hope all you fuckers who get tans come back with cancer. I’ll see you next week. I’ll be showing my lumpy pears.
COMING SOON: IS JAIL TIME THE NEW FITNESS PROGRAM? WE’LL ASK MARTHA.