>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
June 29, 2005
So you’ve got a new job. Truthfully, no one cares that you’re there. You’re some young kid who thinks that you’ll be their boss one day. The only thing that you’ll bring to the company is a constant drain on their patience when you have to ask for help with the copier for the fourteenth hundred time.
That’s okay. Who cares if no one cares that you’re the most awesome thing to hit the company since tinfoil? You’ll be their boss someday and you’ll make those suckers pay then.
Confused on how you should introduce yourself to your new workmates and make the best impression? As always, The Beech is here for you with Beech’s Awesome Guide of Awesomeness on What to Do the First Day of Your New Job. Those of you who have to wear paper hats and fill the napkin holders may want to go read something more on your level, like Mikey’s column. There’s much more nudity too.
“Ask if you can install AIM. Claim that Smarterchild is a tier-one supplier and that xXxHotTiGhTpUzZyxXx is your broker.”
Insult the boss. Nothing tells “the man” that you’re the one in charge like a good pantsing. Not only does it set your reputation as a badass but it’s good for morale as everyone likes a good joke. Your CEO will respect you too. Even if he or she says otherwise. Just give him or her a wink after the “shape up or else” speech. What am I saying? Of course it will be a “him.” Slap him in the ass and toss him a dollar.
Dig into the communal fridge. People put things in there to share. If you see someone else’s name on a bag or Tupperware container, just make sure to thank that person later. Don’t feel like you have to contribute either. You don’t get paid enough to deal with that kind of shit.
Ignore those personalized parking spaces. It’s a beginner’s mistake. Even if you continue to make it for the next three months, they’ll just think you’re a proud individual who can’t admit to mistakes. Make sure you keep the numbers to the impound lot handy. You’re not the only one who can make jokes.
Change the password on your cubicle mate. Bonus points for changing the background to something NSFW and casually asking your supervisor to come over and help you with something.
Ex-Lax + Coffee Maker. Come on people, don’t make me draw you a picture. I can’t draw very well and all I have are crayons.
Demand a long list of office supplies. My own list included a stapler, a big stapler, a three-hole punch, a two-hole punch, a punched-hole patcher, a chair with lumbar support, a chair without lumbar support, small post-its, medium post-its, large post-its, extra-large post-its, tiny post-its, microscopic post-its, night vision goggles, a Neil Diamond mouse pad, mechanical pencils (side-click, not top-click), legal pads, illegal pads, an inbox, an outbox, a way-out box, some prime box, Scotch tape, malt scotch, paper clips, rock clips, scissor clips, safety scissors and of course, a big jar of paste.
Bitch about your computer. If you have a Mac, say you only like PCs. If it’s a PC, claim that everything would run much better on a Mac—which of course is a lie, but no one will care. If you’re running a UNIX or Linux machine then you’re probably not reading this site and have opted for something much more funny like Dilbert or Slashdot.
Start a “forward of the hour” club. Everyone deserves to know about the top ten mushiest things that children say about God. “He’s even bigger than my daddy.” Awwww.
Ask if you can install AIM. Most places make you sign contracts that you won’t install unauthorized software. My last job locked our machines from even being able to run install EXEs. Insist that you need it for “productivity” and fill out all the paperwork. Claim that Smarterchild is a tier-one supplier and that xXxHotTiGhTpUzZyxXx is your broker. Most CEOs are 10 years behind in technology. Use that subscription to Newegg.
Take pictures of your co-workers and put them on your desk. Pictures of your own friends and family are so cliché. Put up a picture of your boss in a red heart frame. If any one ever asks, just say that you really admire him…a lot. Then look away with a dreamy twinkle in your eye.
Switch the signs on the bathrooms. “Accidentally” walk in on that smoking hot intern. Claim that someone is playing a really mean joke on you. Then do it again the next day.
Test the fire extinguishers. Claim that it was mandatory at your last job. When they look at you funny, mutter something about the damn Chinese checkers factory.
If you’re lucky, you’ll get to make a speech on your first day about how glad you are to be there. Feel free to borrow mine:
Hey, everybody, I’m really excited to be here. Not really, but I guess I’m supposed to say that. Don’t expect me to remember all your names. It’s my first day and I really don’t plan on talking to you unless I need something from you. I also plan on jumping ship to a better job as soon as one comes along.
I want to get to the core of what this company is about. I want to get all in its business. I plan to start out slow, just talking and getting to know it. Kinda “Hey there, how you doin?” You know what I mean?
Before you know it, me and the company are going to be getting along just fine. A couple drinks into it and we’ll be off to dinner at some swanky ass restaurant…all on her plastic. After dinner, some more drinks. Then the night will turn magical and all of a sudden BAM! Me and the company going to be doing the nasty. From the top to the bottom and even from behind. Expense accounts? BAM! Weekly reports? BAM! Interdepartmental memos? BAM! BAM! BAM!
Before you know it, me and ya’ll are going to be family.
Get used to it.
Just so you know, I’m available for lunch all week. Feel free to take me out.
If that doesn’t get you a promotion I guess you’ll have to start arriving on time and working hard. Good luck with that.