« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 2: The Main Course
Many months ago, I informed the bloody lot of you that women are like food. I have a lot of bullocks, I do. And though I may have affected a cockney accent for the purpose of this introductory paragraph, none of that changes the fact that I'm the bloke who's damn right number one the bee's knees at comparing women to edible articles. It's not what I do best but it's one of many things I do better than everyone else. What can I say? I'm as humble as I am awesome.
Anyway, women are like food. And analogies are like tautologies. Except the opposite. Or something. I don't really even know anymore. I blame the nitrous oxide. Let's get to it.
Desserts are often delicious. They come at the end of the meal. They are typically filled with all kinds of delicious stuff that is downright horrible for you. Women are often tasty. They come during sex and whenever I can afford something shiny. They are typically filled with all kinds of fantasies and expectations that are downright horrible for you. Women then, are like desserts. But there are many different kinds of desserts. Much like there are many different kinds of women. Let's explore the finer details of what I'm babbling about here.
The Sara Lee
Sara Lee has a motto that is something to the effect of "Nobody does it like Sara Lee." But then you buy her desserts and you realize that everyone who stuffs the same old chunks of preservative laden crap into a box does it exactly like Sara Lee. She's pretty damn common, that Sara Lee. Also, she's a whore.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sara Lee has her good points. For example, you don't have to dress up to eat her, she's ready at a moment's notice, and she's always available. She's basically the female equivalent of a fat chick who loves to suck you off even when you're drunk and will loan you money if you bother to stick your cock in her. And there's nothing wrong with that. Of course, there ain't much right with it either but whatever; beggars, much like fat chicks, cannot be choosers. Of course, if they were choosers, fat chicks would undoubtedly choose ice cream. Hey, guess what I'm writing about next…
The Gourmet Ice Cream
A while back, places like Cold Stone Ice Cream opened up. These places brought back an old idea to the world of ice cream and that idea was, "Why don't we make the shit out of all-natural ingredients?" It was a brilliant revelation, one that allows people the privilege of paying more for ice cream than they'd done previously.
The female equivalent of the gourmet ice cream is the bland bitch. You see, the bland bitch doesn't dress up. She likes sweatpants and sweatshirts. She doesn't dye her hair. She has no interests in mini-skirts. She has never shown her tits in a drunken haze. She doesn't get wasted and suck guys off in Applebee's. She's boring. But she's also not fat and she's not ugly. And she has no daddy issues. In short, she is all natural, down to earth and really, really boring. If only she were a little more interested in being fondled by the opposite sex, then she'd totally be an ice cream sundae.
The Ice Cream Sundae
The Ice Cream Sundae is similar to the gourmet ice cream in that she is not fat. But that's really where the similarity ends. You see, everything the ice cream sundae will do, the gourmet ice cream will not do. The ice cream sundae will cover herself in delicious chocolate (read: dye her hair, wear mini-skirts and high heels), she will entice you with her toppings of fruit and M&Ms (read: bat her fake eyelashes at you while giving you a handjob in Applebee's). She'll even put whip cream on top (read: swallow). She's not that special and she's not that hot but she ain't bad. And furthermore, she wants it. And still furthermore, she's not afraid to show it. Everyone loves ice cream sundaes, but not as much as they love ice cream cake.
Ice Cream Cake
God, what an awesome idea: let's combine ice cream with cake. And we'll put it together. In one cake! It's fucking ice cream with icing on it. And cake! How delicious!
Now, obviously, this was not meant to be. One hundred years ago, ice cream cake did not exist. Much like, one hundred years ago, plastic surgery did not exist. The female equivalent of the ice cream cake is the chick with the fake boobs, the collagen lips and the fake tan. She dresses exclusively in high heels, mini-skirts, tube tops and/or doll-Ts. Not only will she go down on you in a restaurant, she actually prefers to fuck in public. She's really bad for you and when she leaves, even though you know you shouldn't eat that sugary stuff, you will freaking long for it like a fat kid longs for… well, ice cream cake.
But she's not the best. No sir. There are levels of dessert that transcend her deliciousness. There are exotic and expensive desserts out there. And they kick the crap out of any fake bitch's shit.
The Chocolate Cherry Ice Cream Cheesecake
Get the fuck out of here! They make a cheesecake that has chocolate, cherries, and ice cream in it? I think I just came and I haven't even gotten to the female comparison yet. Give me a second here.
Okay, the female equivalent of the chocolate cherry ice cream cheesecake is a supermodel. Pretty much any supermodel. Or Jessica Alba. These women are so freaking hot that you can't believe they exist. They are the Megan Foxes of the world. And should you be lucky enough to have one, well savor that shit boy! You a lucky motherfucker.
Basically, women can be compared to food. Any kind of food. And I can compare them. Better than anyone. Because that's one of the many things at which I am awesome. And I love Jesus. That doesn't have anything to do with anything but sometimes you gotta be spiritual.
As always, no need to thank me. Wouldn't want to mess up my totally incomparable humility.