Maryann: So, Jana, do they have Thanksgiving in Germany?
Anton: What? Did you get stupider after I married you or something? Of course they don’t have Thanksgiving in Germany. Turkeys. Pilgrims. Football. It’s an American holiday for the love of God.
Every year, in honor of America’s stuff-your-face holiday, it is customary for me to make a mental list of the things I am thankful for. And since I needed to write a column this week also, well, let’s just say I got the two birds. So does it really matter how many stones I used?
I am thankful for the health of my family and friends. Except for my Aunt Lucille, who will most likely be dead within a week.
I am thankful that when I sliced my hand with a two hundred pound piece of glass, I did no structural damage. (Wait a minute. Am I really? I mean, why is it that people are always thankful that a crappy experience wasn’t worse? If I had severed my hand off would I be thankful for having the other one? Hopefully, I’ll never know.)
I am incredibly thankful for the George Foreman Grill, the coffee pot, the microwave, the microbrewery, micro-machines, macro-machines, macaroni and cheese, and loose women.
I am thankful for the local pubs, tailgating, camping trips, tossing footballs on the beach, beautiful women in cocktail dresses blowing smoke rings, and the smell of bacon frying.
I am thankful that Congress finally got to the bottom of steroid use in baseball. I’m just so happy I’m in a country where my government has nothing better to do than meddle in professional sports. Indeed, these are good times we’re living.
I am thankful for dirty spoon diners, smoky pool halls, laughter and the delectable experience of beautiful women in great moods.
I am thankful for accents, foreign and domestic.
I am thankful for beer, foreign and domestic.
I am thankful that My Name is Earl looks like it’ll at least get two seasons.
I am thankful for Points in Case and all the weird ass things it has taught me about writing, the internet and algebra (don’t ask) over the last five months.
Mainly, I guess, I’m thankful for every moment that anyone believed in me. And I’m even more thankful for the times I came through.
Oh yeah, and the turkey, too. Man, almost forgot the Bird.
Happy Thanksgiving.