>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
July 20, 2005
Nathan: Wow, I never thought I’d say this but I think she may be too weird for even me.
Kim: Why? Did she show up drunk at my parent’s house and demand to know what demons were keeping me from passing calculus?
Nathan: You’re never gonna let me live that down are you?
There is only one way to do things to their utmost screwed-up funk-nastiness, and that way, my friends, neighbors, relatives, acquaintances, and victims, is The Nate Way. The Nate Way is not the right way…nor is it the wrong way, the fast way, or the military way. In short, The Nate Way is how you do it when you want to get it done and enjoy doing it (whatever the hell it is). The Nate Way allows you to be a nice guy while still being a jerk, to be levelheaded while still being utterly insane, and to have an open mind while still passing judgment and clinging to stereotypes. And since I’ve got a lot more room in this here column, let’s take a look at some examples.
Last summer, during a hurricane, yours truly took advantage of the situation and hooked up with some incredibly willing females (that’s right, baby: plural). I awoke the next morning as hungry as hungry can be and went out into the “emergency zone” searching for breakfast. After a few police officers waved me out of flooded streets, I eventually found a place that was open for breakfast. I was the only non-emergency-crew worker in that diner. I chowed like a sumbitch, then ordered a few omelets and delivered them to some friends of mine who were without power. They were as grateful as they were shocked that I had gone out into the dangerous, wet world. Now, the right way would have been to have stayed indoors with adequate supplies, the wrong way would have been to go outside naked, the fast way would have been to borrow grub from a neighbor, and the military way would have been to blow something up and blame it on liberals. But none of that is within the realm of The Nate Way, and none of it ever will be. You want more examples? Too bad.
Every day I come home from work to find restaurant flyers on my door. I take those flyers and tape them to the wall next to my door. When maintenance comes to do their weekly (or bi-weekly—lazy fucks) property checks, they leave a note telling me not to tape the flyers to that wall. And so I tape that note to the wall, too. Again, not the right way, wrong way, fast way or military way, but way more fun than any other way. Still not convinced that this could be the way for you? Neither am I. More details are coming.
You see, The Nate Way is non-judgmental and non-hateful, but still generally upsetting. It’s obnoxious and mostly harmless. It bothers people while it makes them laugh, angers them while it turns them on, and it always makes people think that there’s no way whatever happened could have just happened. But it did. Happen, that is. Okay, I don’t think you’ve got this yet, so a few more examples are in order here.
When you go to the store, you probably don’t ask the checkout girl how often she gets checked out. Good for you. That kind of behavior is dorky and hard to get. But if you’re like me, you ask her for her last name. After you do this, she typically stammers and looks confused. Sometimes, she may ask why. When she asks why (again if you’re like me), you give her your last name and see what she does with it. She usually tells you hers, and then, every other time you get her in a checkout line, you get more information from her until you feel like you know her. I know how many brothers and sisters my favorite checkout girl has, her favorite movies, how many bridesmaids she wants for her upcoming wedding (sorry Cynthia, but you’re just too fat to take a good picture) and the time she typically goes to bed. I learn this because knowledge makes everything more interesting.
Last example: Whenever anyone says to me, “Oh, I always wanted to be a writer. I have such great story ideas”; I jump up in the air (about a foot) and yell in an Irish voice, “Please give me some ideas. Me noodle is all dried up and me kinfolk got the wheelbarrow.”
This is why I’m still single, by the way.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, well, how do I get my life going The Nate Way?
It’s simple. Just remember the following sentence and repeat it to yourself until it’s ingrained in your brain: “The Nate Way to do anything is to maximize entertainment value while still receiving the desired results.”
Or, if that doesn’t work, you could try walking around in nothing but a robe for a month, or see how many times you can get laid in a week without showering. Basically, ensure that you do whatever it takes to make sure that whatever the hell is happening is a good time, but not necessarily a sane one.
Now go forth into the world and dance like the world’s a dashboard, and you’re one of those stupid Hawaiian girl figurines.
I said GO!