Welcome, freshmen!
Yes, I know that's the name of an abysmal early 90's Nickelodeon show, but you couldn't possibly, because most of you just got done being fetuses when it was on. But that's okay! You didn't miss much. (If anything you should be more upset about missing out on Hey Dude!, which featured a young Christine Taylor. Yum!)
Now I realize many of you have been reading my stuff since you were in high school. We all know that apart from tweens, high school students seem to be one of my largest target demographics. Heck, when I was originally doing "Nick Moose's View" back in the day, the majority of the fan mail I received was from 17-year-old cheerleaders named Tiffany who made the weekly pilgrimage to the Kent campus just to pick up a Stater so they could read my stuff whilst fantasizing about me shirtless fighting a giant squid.
No matter what the rules say, it is absolutely OK to want to have sex with your orientation teacher.There is something though that even some of the loyalist Mooseheads (even the ones who have actually GIVEN Moose head) don't know about their favorite funny time columnist. You see, for someone who doesn't particularly enjoy school at all, I sure have gone to it enough. And sometime, during the middle part of my first epoch at Kent State, I even learned how to teach school.
That's right, even though I found out (all too late I might add) that you aren't supposed to try and have sex with your students, I became a freshmen orientation teacher. I wanted to shepherd the frosh along through this difficult time period, and make passes at the girl ones. And now, I'm gonna do the same for you.
I don't actually teach the class at Kent anymore, but you can consider this column to be a kind of distance learning.
Before we get started, let me assure you that no matter what the rules say, it is absolutely OK to want to have sex with your orientation teacher. Especially when it's me. You're 18 now! This is your life! Your parents aren't around to stop you or shoot me! Take advantage of that!
Now then, since Miley Cyrus is a big hero to all of us, I am going to debunk some of the harsh realities of college the same way she would (inspired by one of her more recent hit songs).
7 Things I Hate about School:
1. You can't major in cryptozoology. Everyone knows Bigfoot is real.
2. Gay teachers who try to look at your winky while you pee. Nothing whatsoever against my homosexual pals out there. But that just makes me uncomfortable.
3. Much like high school, it never ends. Well at least for me it hasn't yet, but I'll keep you posted.
4. The hare krishnas. They're not just for airports anymore!
5. Those girls who think they might be pregnant just because you accidentally sort of jizzed on one of their legs. Ladies, please! That's not how it works!
6. The classes. Apparently you're supposed to sandwich these in between drinking, beating the original Castlevania, and accidentally jizzing on girls' legs. Who knew?!
7. The giant carnivorous plants and spiders. Haha! Just funnin' ya! …Or am I?
I'm sorry, that was dark. So as to give you a glimmer of hope like Miley would, I'm going to give equal time to the positive aspects of higher education.
7 Things I Like about School:
1. Devo went there! Yes, the reason I decided to go to Kent State was that I heard some of the members of Devo went there. I even tried to organize a Devo Day at KSU but no one cared. Of course, if you don't go to Kent, this doesn't apply to you.
2. The zephyr. My favorite bar, because they have the Pixies and The Replacements in the juke box, and significantly fewer muscled up frat guys then everyplace else. Once again: only available at Kent.
3. Peeing on cars that have Dave Mathews band stickers on them. No offense to you if you're a fan (nobody's perfect), I just really had to go, and it's hard to find any spot anywhere at college that doesn't have a DMB sticker on it.
4. Watching the Disney Channel while drinking. Where do you think I learned how to appeal to my tweenage fans so well? (That's where the money is folks.)
5. Jell-O wrestling math tutor parties. Yep.
6. Jell-O wrestling math tutor parties. I like them twice!
7. Being a freshmen orientation teacher. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than the pleasure I get from freshmen. (Remember girls, there are no gun-toting parents here!)
Of course, there are thousands of things I love and hate about school, so for all you frosh out there, stay tuned for future installments of Nick Moose's Sexual (Freshman) Orientation.