Okay, I confess, I watched The American Mall, but I didn't enjoy myself.
But the concept of an MTV original movie based on a Disney Channel original movie was promising, and the shimmering presence of Autumn Reeser was enough to snag this humble columnist's initial interest. After all, her bubbly turn as Taylor Townsend was the iron lung that kept The O.C. alive for almost a partial semi-season after Micha Barton's departure, and she was no slouch in The American Mall either, causing me to have no less of an erection, but something was still missing.
Of course, some of you newer to the Moose-fold are probably wondering just why in god's name I devote such a large portion of my life and writing to elements of pop culture specifically designed to target teenage girls.
I have songs in the works, like the anthemic "Why the Hell Does It Have to be a Shawshank Redemption Bake Sale?" I promise, new friends, there is an explanation.
Though my popularity with college students is staggering, sometimes the even higher educated of my readers aren't aware that I live a whole double life as a teen idol.
How does one attain this lofty status without having a hit show, or a song about shoes? Well, like me, you could work at Dairy Queen, where you're exposed to an ever shifting roster of some 30,000 teens over the course of six years.
DQ has been my bread and butter throughout college, providing me with very nearly enough money to buy beer and be poor, and have to apply for loans and mooch off my family.
But it isn't just about the money, it's the kids I work with that keep me comin' back and tellin' wiener jokes when I'm supposed to be making peanut buster parfaits.
You never know though, in the long run, this could end up being lucrative for me career wise.
Based on the fact that they let Rob Zombie remake Halloween, it may seem like the people who run the entertainment industry are not dumb. Or that at least a very small handful of them aren't. It's only a matter of time before they catch wind of my ability to make girls way too young for me to have sex with laugh, and those Hollywood big wigs end up offering me a musical TV movie franchise of my very own.
I wasn't just attempting to watch The American Mall Monday night because I was drinking and it was on. I was also sizing up the competition. And I must say, I think my script for a rollicking musical, based my own personal high school experience, will put it to shame.
Now, I know Morgan Freeman was in a terrible accident recently, and I wish him all the best, because long before his Dark Knight days the man had a profound influence on me. In fact, thanks to him I have the perfect concept for my movie that the kids really get behind.
Sorry, dear Vanessa, but High School Musical is going to have to make way for "SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION BAKE SALE"!
Stay with me here folks, I know I've stretched the truth every once in a blue moon, but my friends and I actually had a Shawshank Redemption Bake Sale in high school.
As the story goes, ‘round about 11th grade, several pals and I transferred to our community's joint vocational school to partake in its commercial art program, so we wouldn't have to do any actual school work.
Well, our class had to have a bake sale to raise funds to get art supplies and such, and since we were in commercially specific art, we had to put together a campaign to help advertise it. We simply utilized our pioneering, fun-having technique of smashing two unrelated concepts together that made both our Robot Luau and Kurt Russell scavenger hunts so successful, and the Shawshank Redemption Bake Sale was born.
We made announcements over the loudspeaker in character as Andy Dufresne and Red, handed out homemade Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins coloring contests, and even ended up selling a few "Clancy Brownies" to one or two confused people.
I have some songs in the works already, like the anthemic "Why the Hell Does It Have to be a Shawshank Redemption Bake Sale?" and what with all teenagers' inherent love of both Bob Gunten and bran muffins, I don't see how a musical based on this could be a flop.
Of course, I may need to get some kind of permission from someone to use the name "Shawshank Redemption" in the name of a movie that isn't so much the Shawshank Redemption — but hopefully, with the Hollywood big wigs on my side, it should be no problem.
And remember, "hope is good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."