As college-ish age types, many of you have your rituals to kick off the weekend. Some of mine used to include tossing exploding bottles filled with urine off of balconies, or dressing up in my gorilla costume, but now I'm a working stiff. Half my Friday night is usually spent slingin' soft serve at the DQ trying to rake in enough cash to fund my education and second career as a hot shot Points in Case columnist. The other half is admittedly still spent blowing up urine bottles and dressing up in my gorilla costume but I get a much later start at it.
TGIF was better than SNICK, even though I still insist that people call me “SNICK Moose” every Saturday night. Anyway, just because I have less fun these days doesn't mean you guys have to suffer, so for PIC, Friday Nights will be forever known as Nick Moose Night!
Concerned Nick Moose fan: But Nick, what if you get drunk and forget to write a column in time for Friday night?
Me: Come now! That happens every week! But I still manage to shart out 800 words worth of …something by the deadline!
Now, regarding the title of this particular week's installment: yes, those were the lyrics from the opening strains of the theme song of ABC's Friday night family-friendly programming block, TGIF.
My tweenage fans won't get this, but for many twenty-something Points in Casers, that song should evoke fond memories of Jaleel White and Sasha Mitchell cavorting around on the small screen brightening your early 90's childhood. And nothing was more quintessentially early 90's than TGIF (with the possible exception of the Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap sequence from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze).
And we kids just loved it. In fact, many youths back in the day who hadn't had sex yet assumed that TGIF was better–and I'm not gonna lie to ya, lots of times it could be quite sensual.
I mean, who among us didn't masturbate while thinking about one of the following:
– ANY of the three daughters on Step by Step–or more accurately, all of them at the same time.
– "Golden Age" Topanga: This is the Topanga from season 4 of Boy Meets World, after the episode "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" where she got the spiffy makeover.
– Balki from Perfect Strangers. I included him for my female and homosexual pals out there, though not being among their numbers, for all I know Carl Winslow could be more to their taste.
(By the by, I welcome any and all you folks at home to write in and let us know which TGIF personality you masturbated over the most!)
Now I don't just say this because that one episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark with the clown in it was so unsettling that it made me squirt out pee, but overall, TGIF was better than SNICK, even though I still insist that people call me “SNICK Moose” every Saturday night, which has in fact caused several of my past relationships to end tragically prematurely.
Here's the skinny: I can't promise my Friday night column will ever fill the all-consuming void left by the absence of TGIF–for that you'll have to catch the Family Matters reruns on Nick at Night, or find and hang out with Dave Coulier (I know Full House was only a part of TGIF for like two seasons but he should be available and you know he still has Mr. Woodchuck!)–but what my column can hopefully do is be a big ball of weekend-welcoming online awesome, albeit one I have yet to christen with a name.
Up ‘til now we've stuck with boring old "Nick Moose's View" from my days back at the Kent Stater, but everyone else's columns on here have cool names like "Beaver Fever" or "The Strumpet's Trumpet" or "Snuggle Bear's Derriere," and I need to come up with something every bit as strong.
So far, all I've got are these possible, not wholly original, monikers:
The Wubulous World of Nick Moose
Nick Moose Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
Thrust Mummy's 4
Okay, my readers all know that last one is just the name of the mummy-based novelty porn I've always longed to produce, but you have to admit it's a catchy title!
AND, it brings me to my TGIF-inspired "Important Lesson of the Week." You see, those shows always taught us something about life and I'd like to think so can I. So remember son, it doesn't matter if the other kids say it isn't "cool" to make an adult film about marine biology students aardvarking with preserved reanimated ancient Egyptians, what matters is that you're making something that even someone as experienced with mummies as Brendon Fraser would bust a nut to. Stick to your guns son, that's what "cool" is.