A lot of people think that living with their parents after college when they still don't have a real job is going to be a kick-ass rocket-sled ride to a galaxy of non-stop sex and intrigue. Let me tell you though, it does fall slightly short of living up to that hype.
Consider my case for example. I'm not even done with college, but the gnat-infested decomposing apartment in Kent I used to inhabit finally crumbled to the ground. I can't afford school and a new un-condemned place AND my various porn and comic book subscriptions on what I get paid for slingin' soft serve at the DQ, so I had to prioritize.
My mom’s backyard is the ideal location for a good-sized dinosaur park.I don't think I need to rehash to you what fell where on my hierarchy of needs. I was left with only one option, and it wasn't pretty: I had to move back in with my mom and her cats, of which there are more than one.
My mom runs an entirely different ship than the vessel that was my apartment. No foam parties, no exotic species of primates, and worst of all, no beautiful babies spooned up next to yours truly, hand feeding me Pez (not that that happened often, but it was definitely encouraged). That's right, as it turns out, some girls you meet at bars don't even want to have sex with a guy whose who lives with his mom and more than one cat! Who knew!? The stigma of it is enough to put even the usually unstoppable marathon fuck-fest that is my love life on hold.
It's quite the dilemma, and I'm sure you've concluded, as any right thinking individual would, that there is only one solution. That's correct, I need to build a dinosaur park in my mom's backyard to lure in tourists, then use the millions of dollars that it rakes in to buy myself a flying mansion and name it "Moose-Haven."
I know what you're thinking: "Nick, you live in Ohio, and Ohio is already home to the number one dinosaur park ever in this universe or any other, Sandusky's own ‘Prehistoric Forrest'!"
And for those of you who've never been there, it is a sight to behold. I could try to describe it to you, but it can't accurately be done in the space allotted here. Instead, I'll provide you with this link to their own personal website: www.prehistoricforest.com.
Did you see it!? Still reeling? I'll admit, at the moment, Prehistoric Forrest may have a certain edge over my mom's backyard. They have huge statues of dinosaurs for people to shoot guns at, and my mom's backyard has… a septic tank outlet… that I suppose you could shoot guns at. But all that is about to change!
The other day I noticed a few features that qualify my mom's backyard as the ideal location for a good-sized dinosaur park. It has a ravine where you could put a loch ness monster, and trees and a bunch of grass and stuff. It's the perfect spot for my own little window into epochs past!
And it's not gonna be some rinky dink second rate Prehistoric Forrest wannabe either. Allow me to entice you with an excerpt from the brochure that I've already written up:
"At ‘NICK MOOSE'S MOM'S BACKYARD THAT TIME FORGOT' you can SHIT YOUR PANTS IN TERROR when you see THE SLEESTAKS FROM THE LAND OF THE LOST! No other dinosaur park has ever forced people to dress up in sleestak costumes before! Both the 70's and early 90's versions of the sleestaks will be present! And the ones from the new movie they're making! Can you handle it?! Guaranteed to make you say FUCK!
You can MASTURBATE ON SITE to the BREATHTAKING RAQUEL WELSH -ESQUE CAVE BABES! At ‘NICK MOOSE'S MOM'S BACKYARD THAT TIME FORGOT' we subscribe to the theory that humans and dinosaurs co-existed, and the humans were mostly hot chicks who wore makeup and were super sexy and had disproportionately large breasts.
LAUGH UNTIL YOU SQUIRT PEE when you see MY MOM YELLING AT EVERYONE TO PUT THEIR PANTS BACK ON and ME MAKING A CONSTANT STREAM OF PASSES AT THE CAVE BABES!
And ACTUALLY DIE FROM SHOCK when you notice that we have an HONEST TO GOD LIVING TYRANOSAURUS! Although we haven't figured out the logistics of it yet."
If everything goes according to plan, I should be swimming in a veritable pool of girls and money at my very own jet propelled mansion, receiving sex on a regular basis in just a few short years! And the cost of putting the park together should only be roughly….uhhhh, or I guess could get a second job or something.