>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
January 25, 2007
My Dearest University Official,
I realize that over the last few days, we’ve received a substantial amount of snow, ice and otherwise unsavory wintry conditions; as such, many of my fellow classmates have complained about your choice to not cancel classes. So, in response to their collective decry, I wanted to write you a letter thanking you for your dedication to the pursuit of scholastic excellence.
Much like the older woman in my Italian class who reminds the professor that she forgot to assign homework for the weekend, I feel it is my duty to be as enthusiastic of a student as is bodily possible, although many of my peers have dubbed me a “brown-nosing douchebag.” Therefore, I wish again to thank you for disregarding the safety of your students for the valuable information they we learn in one class of, say, Anthropology 101. I, for one, never knew that archaeologists dig up bones, and for you I am eternally obliged.
What many of these carping students don’t realize is that there are plenty of perfectly sensible methods of trekking to class. First, even the poorest of students can afford a H3 Hummer with deluxe snow tires…with chains on them. Or, at the very least, a Ford Ranger. The once “dangerously steep hills” and “hazardously sharp turns” are now only mere excuses for unreasonable slackers who do not wish to pursue their education. Sure, they may pay you things like lab fees, when they don’t even have a science course, but it’s obviously only an excuse to drink beer and spread their sexually-transmitted diseases.
“There’s really nothing I take pleasure in more than a set of fifty steps with four inches of snow on them.”
Second, the public transportation system you’ve enacted is nothing short of divine. Not only is it a means of traveling to the walls of our education, it is certainly edifying in itself. Things I’ve learned on our city’s busses include, “How to win a knife fight,” “How to keep junkies from smelling your crotch,” and the most important lesson of all, “How to eloquently vomit Jagermeister in the back of a city bus.” I like to think of it as Life 101.
Moreover, though many of the apartment complexes and dorms are up to ten miles away from the main campus, what ever happened to good old-fashioned, American walking? A perfectly good series of deer trails leads directly to class… four rapids and there are certainly plenty of flotation devices along the banks of the river: dry wood, used tires, etc., etc. The more industrious students, particularly engineering majors, could even build rafts for a reasonable price, so that the less innovative students (business majors and the university’s janitorial staff) could traverse the twenty-foot waterfall that exists just before the main campus. I believe that this is their obligation, but assign what you will.
In addition to your dedication to scholastic excellence, I wanted to also thank you for not shoveling or salting the stairways throughout campus. There’s really nothing I take pleasure in more than a set of fifty steps with four inches of snow on them. I find it a celebrated challenge, and I’ve met many cute (although bloody) girls who have fallen on their faces trying to ascend these stairways in high heels. I’m totally sure that the university health department will treat their broken legs/noses with accuracy and diligence, anyhow.
I should admit, also, that I have a bit of personal reason for this letter, as well. You see, when you coerce students to attend class, many of the young ladies are forced to wear Ugg boots; and well, with those massively furry shoes on, I become somewhat in love with them. I can’t help but want to ask them to attend one of the interesting, late-night university-sponsored activities when I see them (such as that wonderful lecturing series you have on the history of the atom). Of course, I don’t ask them to go, because that would be in direct violation of the university’s sexual harassment policy, but it’s nice to take mental photographs and whip myself on the genitalia when I finally arrive back home.
More than that, I think that it’s a brilliant idea to not cancel classes and allow specific professors to cancel one or two periods of a class without notifying their students. In essence, you’re preparing us all for the business world, where meetings are made and cancelled at least 98% of the time. Also, isn’t the well-being of professors the main reason this school exists? I, as a morning person, don’t mind getting out of bed at nine after a hard night of studying (when I could get out of bed at four) when there’s white, beautiful snow everywhere! Not to mention the fact that I actually shudder when I think that this school might wane from its hard-nosed attendance policy for students and then, for some absurd reason, impose mandatory attendance for professors as well! A ridiculous concept indeed!
I, for one, feel as though a mandatory expulsion policy be affected in order to halt the complaining student’s preposterousness. Yes, it’s a word; and yes, it is we college students who rarely think of the long-term results of going to one class of say, Math 155, where students learn the valuable, applicable intricacies of addition and subtraction.
As the best, brightest, and most drug-free student on campus, I’d like to thank you yet again for such fervent commitment to our education; and as a “brown-nosing douchebag,” I will no longer tolerate student intolerance of your perseverance.
In closing, I would like to let you know that if I were to be able to say one thing to my peers about this subject, I would only tell them this: “Go to your classes, you pot-smoking leeches of society! Go to your classes, you slothful, bothersome bloggers! Go to your classes you sorority whores and malevolent frat boys! Go to your classes you bastards and joyfully participate in the best education the world has to offer: a state school education!”
Yours most truly,
Nicholas A. Gaudio, Esq.
The Duke of Ellingham
P.S. Fuck you.