>>> The Lady's Shave January 31, 2007
By staff writer NG Hatfield
What I’m trying to say here is that Marshall kids have AIDS. Which shouldn’t come to as a surprise to anybody who watches college football. Or college basketball. Or college lacrosse, college hockey, or college college. People with AIDS aren’t particularly athletic. Or interesting. Or pleasant-smelling.
You may feel as though that this is a biased argument, as I’m from a rival school. So, here are some facts about Marshall:
-Kids who go to Marshall are 250% more likely to have AIDS. They get all their dietary nutrients from the semen of an AIDS-monkey. They shoot up with needles from 1994’s Magic Johnson. They enjoy watching Rent and The Ellen DeGeneres Show. They go to bars that have glory-holes. Two glory-holes. One is slightly higher than the other, and I’m not sure exactly why that is, but logic doesn’t seem to be omnipresent in the collective Marshall brain. Though, of course, in the collective brain of Marshall, AIDS is quite prevalent.
“If you know somebody with AIDS, send them to Marshall… they all have AIDS there.”
-There isn’t an AIDS degree at Marshall, but in order to graduate from their university, one must pass an HIV test. In essence, if you know a Marshall “graduate,” you can be comfortably certain that their T-cell count is extremely low.
-Apparently, if you fuck a person with AIDS while wearing a condom, the likelihood of getting AIDS yourself is akin to throwing golf balls (AIDS particles) through a tennis net (the condom). If this is the case, then it could be said that if you fuck a person from Marshall while wearing a condom, the likelihood of you getting AIDS is similar to shooting hot bullets through air.
-The average life expectancy of a Marshall “graduate” is five years after graduation. Many who graduate live in ghettos or move en masse to Canada, the home of AIDS. Some stay in America and become AIDS counselors, AIDS psychologists, and whole amorphous blobs of AIDS. If a student is lucky enough to not get stabbed or raped on the sullied streets of Huntington, it’s likely that they will be in the classroom, by a professor. It’s believed, at Marshall, that in order to receive information, the ejaculate of perceived “intellectuals” must be imbibed. Usually, the only thing learned from the seed is how cum tastes, but some Marshall “students” have been known to become more intelligent after the jizzum is digested. This could be that AIDS makes you smarter.
-Marshall “students” listen to Nickelback and Staind. Like Pagans, they cut themselves at parties and exchange blood. They do not play beer pong, and if they do, they play it poorly. AIDS affects depth perception.
-Dr. Stephen J. Kopp, president of Marshall, has double-AIDS (in the scientific community: AIDSAIDS). Chad Pennington has AIDS, too. Randy Moss is a loud-mouth hack… which is just as bad as AIDS.
-In the dining halls, Marshall “students” are said to prefer green beans to corn, fish to steak, and AIDS to everything else. “Students” who have the underdeveloped form of AIDS—HIV—are said to be mocked and hazed throughout the campus. Cleverly dubbed “HIV Queers,” they are no different from what normal universities call “business majors.”
-The reason that Marshall’s football team’s plane crashed in 1970 was because of a raucous AIDS party onboard a 737 of AIDS. During the filming of We Are Marshall, Matthew McConaughey wore seven condoms. He still got AIDS.
-If you fuck a girl from Marshall, right as you orgasm, she won’t scream your name, nor will she yell something sexy. If you fuck a girl from Marshall, right as you orgasm, you’ll only hear, “AIDS DOWNLOAD COMPLETE.” This is not as comforting as the fact that most Marshall girls are blatant about the fact that they have AIDS. They wear AIDS t-shirts, AIDS pants, and drink AIDS-flavored SOBE.
The main idea behind this debauchery is simple: AIDS kills people. And by making AIDS cool to have, we’re all weeding out the worthless, unproductive morons of society before they get old enough to mooch off of us, the upstanding public. So, if you’re a person who plans on attending Marshall, or knows a person who has yet to go there, you may want to warn them. Or, if you know somebody with AIDS, send them to Marshall… they all have AIDS there.
Note: If you’re from Marshall and this pisses you off… Congratulations! You can read.