By staff writer NG Hatfield
March 7, 2007
I’ve been told that I’m a misogynistic misanthropist. To be honest, I’m pretty missed off that a guy like me would be described in such a misunderstood manner. Therefore, this week, I’m spinning eighteen yarns of happiness. All stories have a turn, of course; because life ain’t simple. It ain’t for me, it ain’t for you, and it sure as hell isn’t simple for Charlton Heston either.
We begin.
1
Story: During a game of Duckhunt, I missed a red duck on level 14. When the dog popped out of the grass to laugh at me, I aimed for his head and pulled the trigger. Much to my amazement, I blew the dog’s brains out all over the cartoon tree.
Turn: This is what happens when you take LSD before you play Duckhunt.
2
“When I was 14, we had free Showtime. I used to crank it with a wooly beige towel set.”
Story: I once knew a bum on High St. One night, I felt particularly smarmy and asked him for some change. He tried to cut me with a knife that he kept under his sombrero. I smacked him so hard he fell on the knife and died in the gutter. Some rats came by to eat the carcass and I gave them names. Cadillac-Pimpin, Preacher Dave, and Ms. Mousie all now live in his sombrero.
Turn: They’ve assembled a small band called “Ms. Mousie and the Stab Victims.”
3
Story: I was in love. My girlfriend and I had just had sex with the window open. Then, I decided that—because it was so romantic—I would whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Turn: “I'm cold. Would it bother you very much if I slept with my dick in your butt?”
4
Story: In high school, I loved a girl named Gina. She was blonde, had big blue eyes and loved me very much too. It’s really too bad that that sniper got her.
Turn: They’re married with two kids. (Zing!)
5
Story: One night, I got really drunk and saw this girl who liked me. She was really fat. I said “Hi” to be cordial. She smiled as she was walking towards me; then, she tripped and fell over. I realized that she had two attractive friends behind her. So I smiled back, after the ground stopped moving.
Turn: I gave each friend a 9. The geologists said it was a 4.7.
6
Story: There once was a fat bitch named Anna Nicole Smith. She died.
Turn: You actually care?
7
Story: Two times in my life I’ve not enjoyed having an erection. The first, my freshman year. I was in Spanish class and was called up to the chalkboard to write something. It was very embarrassing to walk in front of a class with a nine-inch prong poking out in the air. The second time I didn’t enjoy an erection: peeling the 2600 pounds of Spanish-major pussy off of my nine-inch cock.
Turn: They left a bruise that mildly resembled the shape of Portugal.
8
Story: My buddy John was a virgin until he got his dick pierced. We were so happy for him that we bought him a case of WD-40 for his birthday.
Turn: It was his 74th birthday.
9
Story: I saw Cake in concert. After the concert, I had a few Mountain Dew-and-vodkas. I got so drunk that I ate out this girl named Candy with Cool Whip and chocolate syrup.
Turn: I’m diabetic now.
10
Story: Last year, I decided to give up drinking for Lent. I made it a few days.
Turn: With all the pot I smoked to make up for the lack of drinking, I honestly can’t remember if it was actually Lent… or if it was just Lent in the movie I was watching.
11
Story: Genesis. Exactly 522 years ago, God stretched out the firmament. And it was good. To display His supreme magnificence He made the animals, including the duck-billed platypus and the Yorkshire terrier. Because he was lonely and needed music, God made Phil Collins and his band of Merry Men.
Turn: Then God made Eve, as He realized that for the rest of human existence, women wouldn’t be clever enough to come up with funny creation-before-man jokes.
12
Story: I went to a fortune teller once. She told me that Charlton Heston’s ghost would save the Israelites from the tyranny of a bunch of Leprechauns. He’ll use the plagues, known today as the Type 81 MGS submachine gun, the hand grenade, and the howitzer cannon.
Turn: You’re the first Charlton’s coming for, and it won’t be pretty. He wants your pot of gold.
13
Story: I’ve heard that there is no certain way to tell what type a person is if they smoke only Marb Lights. These people run the gamut from slutty college girls to Grumpy Old Men.
Turn: Walter Matthau died of colon cancer; however, he smoked Marb Lights with his asshole.
14
Story: In the year 1990, the earth was being destroyed. Greedy right-wing bastards were taking advantage of every natural resource that former President Bush allotted. Not much is different.
Turn: Thank Christ for Captain Planet!
15
Story: I had this professor who made the final a comprehensive list of vocab terms from the first day of class. I passed the final and got an A. When I saw her outside of class the next semester, I ran up and gave her a big hug.
Turn: Professors who have cumulative finals have a special place in God’s heart: The Seventh Circle of Hell.
16
Story: I found out early in life that your single male friends are the best defense in the war against getting whipped, relationship or not. They might disguise their opinions in jokes or key scratches on your car, but there’s nothing like an outside perspective to really hit it home that you’re obsessed with a random girl. It’s even better when they fuck your girlfriend on your bed, as to keep you from living a lie for any longer.
Turn: “I promise…. Just let me… touch her….”
17
Story: When I was 14, we had free Showtime. I used to crank it with a wooly beige towel set. It felt really nice. Though, it kinda sucked because I had no lock on my door and my parents used to barge in at a moment’s notice.
Turn: I always had one hand on the “Previous Channel” button.
18
Story: My first girlfriend taught me a lot. Once, she told me to take my time down there… that just because she hadn’t shaved the pubic hair off her inner thighs, I shouldn’t have cared that it felt like I was licking my Uncle Francisco’s belly. She didn’t care if she had a bacterial infection or not. “Do your job,” she said, “Eat that cheese.”
Turn: It’s come to my attention that negro women have grilled cheese snatches.
Bonus!
Bonus Story: I was once bitched at for not writing articles that catered to a specific taste, and then I wrote this one thing that was just tasteless as the other things you bitched about.
Turn: TOUGH SHIT.
The end.