Last Thursday I was chillin' on the porch above our apartment, drinkin' a beer and strumming on a guitar (poorly). My friends, who had kindly supplied the booze, were all getting drunk and throwing horseshoes in the yard when my buddy Dave saw his ex-girlfriend, Allena. She was walking down our street holding hands with a gnarly lookin' lank-fuck the entire town knows only as “gnarly lookin' lank-fuck.”
They got about midway down the street and spotted us. And as sure as I'm a conceited fuck, that pair of personified ugly stopped mid-walk to make out in front of us. A distasteful scene, indeed.
Dave, who dated Allena for two long years, stopped mid-throw. He looked up behind him and said as loud as possible: “Gaudio, why are all my ex-girlfriends complete fucking whores?” At the time, I didn't really have a good answer for him. I would've loved to shout something back that burned her too, but I was actually caught up in the insight of his statement. I said something along the lines of, “I don't know Dave, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to fuckin' vomit.”
Dave turned back around and threw the horseshoe down to walk around the apartment building.
“If women are lions, attention, to them, is a rotting hyena carcass. They smell it in the air.”
I felt pretty shitty for lettin' all this go down without much consequence for that stupid whore. So now, I'm going to answer his question, one that has plagued us all for some time…
Why are all ex-girlfriends whores?
For Jenelle, Michelle, Megan, Mandy, Heather, Amanda, and most recently, Anetta
Part I: An Intimate Glance into the Vacuous Cavern Known as the Female Vagina… I mean “Brain”
Before we get into this, it has to be said that what we men think of as a logical-thinking brain does not exist in the cranium of a woman. Instead, her head is full of liquid evil, soured vaginal blood, and worst of all, hormones. Because this is the case, it is terribly frustrating to try to fathom a woman's “motivations.” It must be known in this case that “motivation” is a term that is specious and poorly-used. As I just said, women do not use what we men deem as “logic.” Instead, they use preplanned reactions to environmental situations.
What I'm saying is this: Women are animals. Hot, human vagina-possessing animals.
Think about it. Does a dog have a pre-disposed plan when it rubs its ass on the asphalt? Well, yes and no. The mutt somehow realizes that it must get the shards of shit off the hair surrounding its anus, yet it doesn't particularly know what it's doing. How about, more particularly, a female dog? Does the bitch know what she's doing when she dry humps a sock? How about other animals? Does a snake know what it's doing when it sucks off the ugliest frat fuck in Morgantown? Again, yes and no. The no-good lying snake bitch knows that she's sucking off the fuck, but she doesn't particularly know why. She's just a clueless slut… of… uh… a snake.
The only difference between women and the rest of the animal kingdom is that they are in complete possession of something we men want: a tight vagina (…well…not most women our age, but you know what I mean). Somehow, this means that we have to put up with this shit. Also it leads them to “think” that they deserve “equal rights.” Whatever.
This desire for “equal rights” is actually derived from women's only true source of “motivation,” and the reason that all ex-girlfriends wind up being complete whores: attention.
Part II: Understanding how Women see “Attention”
How does a woman see attention? Other than the obvious answer of “male attention for them means attention for their young, and a progression of their genes,” that's a truly tough question. Why? Because using logic here is an unfortunate catch-22. If you consider that women are not actually attention-driven, you end up giving them more credit than is due. If you give them the attention they want, they end up losing their interest in you (which rhymes, so it must be true) (which also rhymed so it has to be very…uh…right).
The way I can best describe how women see attention is again, in the animal kingdom.
If women are lions, attention, to them, is a rotting hyena carcass. They smell it in the air, walk up to it and tear its jugular out… ripping flesh from bone, sucking intestine and slurping blood. If you deny their attention (their source of livelihood), in any circumstance, they end up fiending for it like a crackhead sucks dick for a fix (again, it rhymes). We men see this in all aspects of relating to attracting and, most importantly, fucking women:
The “wait three days to call” rule; the “I'm going to be a dick to you so you give me your pussy” rule; the “It's not date rape if we're both drunk” rule. Everything circles around the fact that women need attention and will get it any way they can.
In terms of your ex-girlfriends being sluts, it has to be seen from a woman's “perspective.”
Women are particularly vindictive to ex-boyfriends because they offered their vagina to the ex-attention giver and were not able to a) suck his soul out, b) produce a child and thereby lock this man into a state of constant debt and manic depression, or c) get his cock in their asshole again. Even after the break-up, women are in constant need of attention from the men they originally gave their– (hold on while I laugh)
(HAHAHHAAHAHAHHAH)
– “prized jewel” to. They feel as though it was a mistake (irony!) and remedy it via, for some reason, the ugliest, dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.
Part III: Why She Picks The Ugliest Motherfuckers
The male penis' head is shaped the way it is, naturally, to shuck out competitive sperm from a women's vag. Do you know that that means?
Me either. It just makes me feel pretty disgusted to think that we haven't evolved much since.
Ex-girlfriends simply pick the ugliest motherfuckers because it allots them the most attention from their former boyfriends. I call this the “car wreck theory.” It goes something like this:
There's a car wreck. Mangled corpses all around. You can't help but look, right?
Right.
Your ex-girlfriend is dating one of those corpses.
Again, like the canine, women are doing something without really knowing what they're doing. They date the ugly motherfucker without understanding why they're attracted to him, when in essence, they're just doing it for a maximization of attention. We men give them the most attention in this situation because we can't help but look.
They have as much sex as possible once you break up because they know it gets to you. They understand that most men have this thing called “a conscience” and are literally disgusted by the fact that they made the mistake of dating a whore.
It sucks, but hell, I didn't make the rules.
Part IV: What You Can Do to End Your Ex-Girlfriend Being a Whore
You can't.
As difficult as it may seem, sometimes you have to cut the Hallmark bullshit out and call an apple, “apple.” Or in this case, a whore, “my ex-girlfriend.” Don't be ashamed, dude, we all go through it. If a man doesn't have an ex-girlfriend he can call a “whore” or even a “worthless bitch,” he ain't worth his title of “man.” It's something you have to go through in order to truly understand how to break, tame and train women. Turns out, the Middle East had it right the whole time.
In conclusion, the old maxim goes, “Women: you can't live with them, you can't kill them.” But you know who said that? A fucking woman.
I say, write to your congressman. Let's make it legal to cut the tongue and clitoris off of a whore. Now that you don't got 'em, they don't need that shit anymore.
And that sorta rhymes.
-A Nick Gaudio Research and Development Project