Dedicated to Simi, whose pure, innocent soul knew little of what I'd dedicate when I said, “I'll dedicate this next piece to you.”
To catch a glimpse of how inconceivably stupid most of you readers are, the higher-ups at PIC have provided me with a tool called Statcounter.com. I don't have the patience to give you all a comprehensive list of the shit it does for me, but in layman's terms: this site shows me what people type into Google or Yahoo to find my shit. While some stick around and read, most leave…as the majority of internet users are actually looking for porn.
Gasp.
But really, it makes me laugh when I think about how many 50-year-old men have typed in “drunken sluts” and found one of my articles… instead of a video of Allison Parks getting double-fisted by a black guy eating a turnip and a white guy with a “My name is Court Sullivan” t-shirt on.
For the record: that's just speculation…but c'mon… the internet is a massive place.
Either way, for some reason, I've recently been getting the keywords “how to make my pussy taste and smell better” or some other variance at least once a day for the last two months. And since I've never done something like that, well ladies…it's you're fucking lucky day.
This week, I present (with no remorse):
How to Make Your Pussy Taste and Smell Better
When I was a young lad, I worked as a busser for a fancy restaurant in Cumberland called JB's Steakhouse. There, an old bartender named Paul would sit and smoke and tell me about all the fucked up shit he had heard in the days I hadn't been working. Well, one story (that is very applicable to what we're about to talk about so keep reading you dumb fucks) went like this:
“Depending on the severity of your rank ass vagina, leeches may shrivel up and die in your coot.”
So one day this lawyer comes home very late from work and goes upstairs to see his newlywed wife naked on their bed. She wasn't just naked, you see, but also covered in whipped cream. However, unfortunately for all of you reading right now and for our lawyer friend, no fucking happened that night. She was asleep.
Apparently, she was trying to seduce him, but because of his tardiness, was unable to stay awake. So, the man wakes up his girlfriend and she goes off to the bathroom to clean up and they head to bed with a laugh. Days later, the woman becomes violently ill. Her pussy feels awful. Even if we forget the fact that, according to her husband, this woman's pussy looks like a brown recluse bite, he tells my bartender pal that it smells like skunked beer and tastes like formaldehyde.
Well, apparently this girl can't take the vaginal pain anymore. She thinks, “Hey, I haven't had my period, and I'm having all of this pain…I might be preggo.” So off she goes to see her gynecologist. There, on the table, she spreads her legs and sure enough, the doc shoves the duckbill up in there, vices it open and there, up in her shit is a nest of fucking cockroach eggs, with mama cockroach feeding on the bitch's discarded blood and egg.
Yes…she had an infestation of the pussy.
Now, before you stop reading (Statcounter also tells me how long you all read this shit, so don't think I won't know you pansy), I want to let you know that when I tell you ladies how to clean up your coochie, I'm keeping this woman in mind. For you see, her pussy is the dirtiest thing I can humanly stomach. If my patented technique works for her, it has to work for you…and if not…you've got some raunchy shit up in there girl. Call your local Orkin man or kill yourself or something.
But really, let's face it lady-reader, it's no surprise that you're here. Your flea-ridden horsemeat curtains are steaming in the summer heat…not to mention the simple fact that you want all of that pussy plaque removed via the fingers and/or tongue and/or cock of a helpless freshman.
Well slut, here's the way to make your pussy taste and smell better.
First you will need the following supplies:
– One barbeque skewer
– One garden hose: 22 feet in length
– A funnel
– One bottle high-end liquor
– One can compressed air
– One pack razor blades
– One blow-torch
– Three quarts rubbing alcohol
– One pack Big League Chew bubblegum
– Sewing kit (Amount of thread varies, depending largely upon vaginal depth, length and elasticity)
1. Top Down and Dig for Oil
When a man washes a car, he starts on the top and washes down. When a woman correctly washes her pussy, she starts from the deepest regions and works out. So, the first thing you want to do is stick the barbeque skewer through the garden hose near the top, at a very low angle. Then, use the skewer as a guide to force the garden hose deep into the vaginal cavity. You'll know you've gone far enough when you hear a clicking, popping, or spurting sound.
You may bleed a little, but just as the ancient peoples of Persia have taught us about math and astronomy, we know that blood-letting is a helpful, painless practice. You may even want to go the extra yard and insert a few leeches into the area to clean out some of the scum.
Warning: Depending on the severity of your rank ass vagina, leeches may shrivel up and die in your coot before they are able to clean any scum.
2. Gotta Let It Burn
The next step involves a friend. From a safe distance away, have your friend connect the funnel to the top of the hose and pour the three quarts of rubbing alcohol into your uterus. This may burn, but that's just God's way of saying, “Hey, you didn't really think I was going to let you get double penetrated and not suffer a little, did you?”
Once finished, use the razor blades to cut small divots into your labia, as a biomechanical means of siphoning the rubbing alcohol out of your vagina.
Warning: Be sure to score your skin deep enough to bleed, but not enough to cut an artery. Men already dislike having to deal with your bloody cavity once a month, let alone the time it takes you to hemorrhage to death.
3. Light It Up
Once the rubbing alcohol begins to leak out of your ax wound, you will once again insert the barbeque skewer. Once you pry it open, use the blowtorch and the can of compressed air to ignite the rubbing alcohol and burn up.
Warning: The rubbing alcohol might remove some of your nail polish. You may want to use latex gloves.
Another Warning: If you put the can of condensed air too close to the area you're spraying it on, it'll freeze and kill all of the cells. This can be a useful tool in douching sperm or inducing an abortion, but not making your pussy taste better.
4. Freshen Up with the Flavor of Love
Now that your shit is finally clean, you're going to want to remove the taste of garden hose, rubbing alcohol and most importantly, your old vagina (not to be confused with “This Old Vagina,” a new Bob Vila project). This can be done most efficiently by dipping an entire pack of Big League Chew in the bottle of high-end liquor and then placing the gum around the mouth of your hole.
Warning: Be sure to ask your guy what liquor he prefers. Do not assume. If you get Cyclone and he hates Cyclone—as he should—all of your efforts will be in vain.
5. Close It Off for Good
After 24 hours of letting the gum's flavor soak into your pussy and the cuts on your pussy, you will remove it. The aforementioned sewing kit is the most integral part of this process, as after this is all completed, you should stitch that nasty, nasty shit up forever and ever.
I promise, if you don't do this, it'll go back to smelling like cod within the week. After all, you're a dirty whore and nothing, and I mean nothing, can improve the smell of shame.
So that's it ladies, I hope you understand now why I hate you all.
And oh yeah, if you're wondering, I'm quite partial to Jack Daniels.
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