Going Into the Closet

I think I might be heterosexual…what should I do? Will my parents still love me?

First and foremost, you need to be yourself. If you choose to tell your family, it may shock them. They expected you to grow up, meet a nice guy, get married in a mass-commitment ceremony during the Gay Pride parade, and settle down in a fashionable East Village loft. When you break it to them that you are sexually attracted to women, and that you hope to get married and one day give them grandchildren, well…it’s going to take some adjustment on their part. Be patient, and remember: If worst comes to worst, there's always suicide.

I Really Like This girl And Even Tho we're Talking she is Seeing it More as a Friendship As Friends I Just feel So Lost without her I Care About her And if I'm not made for her why does my heart Say I Am?

Because you're 13 and listen to too much Creed. Like the rest of us, you'll soon learn that your heart is a dirty, filthy liar. I keep mine around primarily for blood-pumping purposes. Otherwise I'd sell it on eBay, along with a few of my other organs that can't be trusted.

I want to have sex with my girlfriend, how do I go about it.

Uh…well…there comes a time in every boy's life when….. Oh, to hell with this.

My boyfriend's mom keeps hinting at marriage and kids. I'm polite about it, but how do I explain to her that I don't want kids ever and besides, we're only seventeen.

I'm tired of these mothers who think they have dibs on your womb because you're dating their son. I'm not going through pregnancy, labor, and 18 years of diapers, juice stains, and wrecked cars just so grandma-in-law can have cute wallet photos to show her Bingo buddies.

If she hints at kids again, just say, “Sure, I'd love to have a baby! Come on honey, let's get started.” Then grab your boyfriend's hand and head toward the bedroom. I doubt she'll bring it up again.