Prolonging Intimacy

I am in love with this guy we have been dating since 6th grade (we’re in our third year of college) but I wanna have sex. I know I’m ready, I just don’t want to push things and ruin our great relationship. What should I do?

Aren’t you kind of jumping the gun here? I mean, you’ve only been dating for nine years. What you need is patience. Give your relationship some time to mature before you get physical. And remember, guys are very protective of their sexual purity, so before you make a move, make sure he’s into it. You don’t want him running to the cops crying rape.

I have a paper due in about 5 hours and there's no way I'm gonna be able to finish it? Any suggestions?

Fortunately, your question came about five days ago. You haven't turned it in yet, have you?

When having sex does your cherry have to pop?

No. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time mine popped…. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I had sex, either. I believe it was during the terrible reign of Kaiser Wilhelm II. Ah, memories. Those crazy Germans, you never knew who they were going to exterminate next.

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me? I mean seriously…marry me!

This calls for a good old-fashioned DeathMatch! You boys strip naked while I run get a camouflage tarp and a fresh carafe of iodine.