Chicken Soup for the Pervert's Bowl

I wonder what it feels like to be inside your vagina.

I wonder what it feels like to be hauled off in handcuffs before you get a chance to wipe the Mace out of your eyes.

Ok, I know this sounds so high school, but WTF. I have been friends with these guys for 3 years. They always complain about girls and other problems, but say it’s cool that I am not a bitchy girl. Last month for the first time I “bitched” about this huge drama that was hurting me. Now I am not even allowed in their apartment anymore, and they even threw eggs at my door because one roommate hates me (he is also the newest member and a freshmen). Meanwhile I have done everything for them including drive them to other states and baked them a goddamn apple pie when they wanted one, and picked up dinner for them when they were too busy. So now they party all the time without me and tell me what fun they had. Is this BS or did I really do something wrong?

First, you have to understand that “bitchy” is a word people use to describe girls who hold opinions or express emotions that guys think are boring, confusing or irritating. Generally, I find it’s best to confine your conversation to MTV and Doritos. My disinterest in MTV- and Dorito-related topics has, unfortunately, condemned me to a life of celibacy.

Secondly, I strongly suggest that you avoid guys who throw eggs. This is a bizarre ritual that originated in medieval times, when lords sat atop their majestic steeds and threw duck eggs at serfs to make them plow faster (hence the phrase “egging him on”).

I meant to break up with this girl tonight… but instead we made out on my loveseat.. Oops! What should I do now?

This situation can be easily resolved. First, use a mild foaming upholstery cleanser. Let it set for 3 to 5 minutes, then scrub gently. Soak up any remaining moisture with a paper towel. Allow it to air-dry. Finish with a little Febreze, and voila! Your loveseat is good as new.