Hey lil' buddy, how ya doin? Oh, you're bleeding out of your ears? Your left ball is attached by three stitches?
Bummer.
Listen, I'm real sorry I stabbed you 48 times with the shiv I made from a toothbrush I sharpened on my steel bed frame over several weeks. They say if I would've stabbed you just 3 more times you'd be 6 feet under instead of in a 6 by 6. Lucky number 48, eh? Haha. Seriously: you're lucky to be alive.
Realize I’m going to learn and grow from this experience. Prison is no place for grudges.Look, I'm hurting just as much as you, man. Except emotionally, not physically. Plus, they're going to put me in the Security Housing Unit for at least 4 weeks–the "shoe" if you will. Get it? SHU? Shoe? You and I both know how excruciating that black hole of a punishment cell is. It's like a prison in there. Just me and the windowless, pitch-black tiny room, 24 hours a day–just me and my thoughts.
So I've been doin' a lot of thinking…. Basically, things just got a little out of control with the gang I've been running with. They asked me to end your life out in the yard…haha, those Aryan Brothers are crazy, right?!
Come on, you understand, right? You're in the Nazi Low Riders gang. I'm in the Aryan Brotherhood. While you're not exactly our main rivals, like the Northern Mexicans or the Blacks, we're not exactly tea party buddies either.
If the other Aryan Brothers knew I was even writing this letter to you, they would put a reward on my head. So you can't imagine how hard it is for me to apologize. I feel really bad though, you know? I feel like I'VE been stabbed 48 times. And you know firsthand that doesn't feel good.
You need anything while you're recuperating, buddy? I can get someone to smuggle in some real good black tar heroin for ya. Nothin' helps get you back to good health like some good heroin. That's what my mama always said (I killed her with a broom, that's why I'm in here). You need me to shank someone for you? I can't stab any of my Aryan Brothers, but I'd be more than glad to stab one of the Blacks, just as soon as I'm out of protective custody.
Don't look so sad. You gotta admit it was pretty funny when you were spitting up blood like an inconsistent geyser. Most of the inmates had a pretty good laugh about that. Don't worry, we were laughing with you, not at you. And when a couple came up and stabbed you too, they were stabbing with you, not at you.
So live and let live, right? God teaches us to forgive. So forgive and forget. Even Satan promotes forgiveness. And I hear Satan's sort of your idol. Him and Hitler, right? And the Pope, too?
Plus, it was an accident. I only meant to stab you 47 times. You know, to send a message. You stab someone 48 times, you're just being a dick.
So please, realize that I'm sorry for stabbing you in a gruesome bloodbath, and I'm going to learn and grow from this experience. That or throw my feces at one of the guards when they come to bring me my lunch.
Please don't stay mad at me. Prison is no place for grudges. You don't need to revenge stab me or anything. I realize what I've done was wrong.
And don't be mad if I have to stab you again sometime, okay?
Aryan Brotherhood Forever,
Bruce "The Brucester" Skoyevski
Inmate #C4710923