Home Away from Home

Just when you finally believe you get to take a break from college and rest up, you find out that someone (your mom) has already made some winter plans for you. It's bad enough to have your whole biological clock thrown off—one o'clock on a Monday while your whole family is passed out like a festive holiday Yuletide log. There you are, snugly tucked in your covers, eyes wide open, and alert to every noise imaginable. “What's wrong with me?” you ask yourself, “Why aren't I sleeping soundly?” I'll tell you why. What would you normally be doing at this time? Drinking late or studying early, that's what. Now all you can do is click click click the channels and find out that the Law and Order marathon is the only good sitcom on—possibly all freaking week long—and all you want to do is just hang out with your friends and drink dammit. Although you just could take a shot by yourself every time those “dun dun” Law and Order sounds come on. And by shot I don't mean tequila I mean Nyquil. It's the only way to get to bed before 2.

By the time you're a senior the number of high school friends has dwindled considerably. There's usually between four and six you still contact, but some aren't friends with each other anymore so you can only hang out with them three at a time. All guys do is regale about the good times in high school over a couple pitchers of beer, and then tell funny stories about flooding the dorm in college. It's probably the only time I'll ever wish I was a guy. Ever. Because penises are ugly.

Girls are different. Girls judge. There's always one girl in the high school group who hasn't hooked up with more than one guy while in college and she always turns to what's left of her high school friends with a smart aleck little smirk when she's asks, “So did you sleep with him??” And you just want to drop kick her. But instead you swallow your food, or if you're lucky, the rest of your martini, smile and say, “Yes I did. Casual sex is so amazing. You have no idea what your missing. It's sad really…one man your whole college life. Well, every woman makes her bed—actually I never make my bed I just roll out, put on my clothes and leave. It's a lot less work in the long run. Speaking of long term relationships are you pregnant? It looks like you gained a little in the tummy.” If you're a bitch and you know it rub her belly. (rub rub)

Moms are great. We all miss our mothers when we're away at school. But after a while she starts noticing how you're not doing anything. And when you wake up at noon she's left a list of chores for you to do while she's at work. 1. Get a job. 2. Do the dishes. 3. Dump the garbage. 4. Watch your siblings. 5. Stop making Roomba do all the work. When she comes home it's all criticism. “You didn't put another garbage bag in the trash bin! Where are you sisters? There are spots on this dishes!” But the floor is amazingly clean. Where's Roomba? What a good little robot. You appear, she gives you a once over then it's “Have you showered today? You have to do something about that hair. That make-up is too dark for your face. You need to moisturize. There's a blackhead on your cheek let me pick it!” And all you can do is silently pray Roomba eats her shoes right from under her.

Does your school send you report cards in the mail. Mine does. Do you get your report card the day before Christmas? I have. Has it affected your mother's emotional health? Three years running baby. Then you have to hear, “You're so smart. You always guess the killer 15 minutes into Law and Order how come you couldn't pull better than a B- in History of the modern world? Don't you live in the modern world? How hard could it be? Oooh baby it looks like you're getting a zit on your forehead. Go put some of that stuff the doctor prescribed you on it before it blows up.” Obviously home will never compare to your college home so I'll finish this article off with a quick couple of things I've been thinking about lately.

Here is what I miss about college during break:

1. My friends. It's amazing how much everyone gets on your nerves by the end of the term, but two days at home and you're calling them up, catching up on what you've been doing the past two days. And every other sentence is “Can't wait to get back to see you. I miss you so much!”

2. Safety bars. Big city bars don't care about you as much at the ones in your school's domain. In fact, I've learned that big city bars could care less about you. Anyone charging you seven bucks for a Miller Lite obviously wants your money, not your company. The kick you out and leave you there broke on the cold city streets, whereas at school even though they may kick you out you'll at least find someone to bum a ride from. Instead of being the bum.

And finally, here's what I don't miss:

1. The two girls talking rather loudly I might add about yeast infections at the hockey game. Save your UTI history for those who care ladies. You made my ears bleed.