>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
December 26, 2004
Hey I hope you all had a good holiday. I ended up getting that iPod and have enjoyed using it to drown out my parents constant yelling. Anyway, here is a holiday poem about love, laughter, birthdays and of course why end a growing trend? Drinking!
‘Twas five days before Christmas and all through the city
Everyone was shopping about in a big hurry.
Driving down from the suburb came a nice looking girl
Who later that night would be the drunkest in the world.
You see it was Kim’s 21st birthday
She had no idea what the night had in store,
All she knew was that Chicago bars rocked
And her birthday ensemble borderlined whore.
We mapped out a rough draft on which bars to hit first
Then got all dolled up for a night on the town.
Everyone shoved a ton of cab money in their pockets
And at her first Irish Pub started to pound.
I insisted that we put some food in our tummies
But Kim said, “Look, it’s already eleven at night
We only have like four hours to get me plastered
‘Cause the bars close at five with the morning light.”
After O’Donnovans which had dollar burger Mondays
We jumped into a taxicab whose driver was quite chatty.
Just as he was convinced that we were nurses in training
We hit Division and Rush bars just as it started raining.
We started out her 21st at Shenanigans Bar
Which honestly, was a good name for the evening.
Let me begin with the drunken ridiculousness
With our smiles uncontrollably beaming.
First of all the bar comes equipped with two stages,
Two stages and several poles for dancing,
Not to mention the older men,
But only few would be good for romancing.
There was a cornhusker from Nebraska U
Who was tall, funny and certainly nice,
But let’s be honest on the 21st birthday
Every girl is looking for a little more spice.
Several drinks later Kim was still standing
And Simonne thought this simply will not do
Let’s have a another round of shots!
Can you start a tab for us too?
Then a kid with braces approached
Several shots later, and followed by a few drinks
Kim’s ass was still planted firmly on the bar stool
While I slowly began to sink.
Then came the man from New Zealand,
We chatted about Lord of the Rings,
My god bartender keep the drinks coming,
He’s at least forty and starting to sing.
At the same time I developed a British accent
And that’s when Kim knew it was time to leave.
The blood vessels began to redden my face
And I only got as far as an arm through one sleeve.
To our rescue came Elliott our bartender friend
Who just got off work from a bar called Mother’s Too.
Kim, who was now a little drunk
Claims that we stuck to him like glue.
Suddenly we were surrounded by a lot of glass
Bottles that is all over our table,
We began to use the guys as leverage,
At least it was keeping our drunk asses stable.
That’s when it all goes blank for me
But here’s what Kim remembers
Of the events that cold birthday night
On the early morning of 20 December.
Three million people on the Northside
And wouldn’t you know
We found a couple of hockey players
That’s when it was really time to go.
As we were leaving a cop entered the scene
He was nice and carrying a gun as all cops do.
Then Kim blocked his path
And demanded he show his ID too.
The cops said “Are you kidding me?
Get out of here it’s bar time
You crazy drunken kid.”
Kim shotgunned her eighth beer and we did.
We jumped into the backseat of a car and drove away
Arrived at the afterbar place and I had to pee,
Burst into the bathroom
And Hello Kitty was all I could see.
Kim was forced to color a page in a coloring book
Teenage mutant teachers to be exact,
Her artwork was taped on the wall,
Maybe we weren’t the drunkest there after all.
While she was doodling I stood still in awe
Of the Hello Kitty shower curtain
In the apartment full of guys
And matching bordering on the wall.
We all passed out respectively,
I woke up in the morning face down on the floor.
Where were we I thought?
I’m never going to drink anymore.
Awake from my slumber I struggled to maintain,
Regaining my balance I went to find Kim.
We thanked our hosts for the party
And got morning nausea from all the gin.
So that’s the end of Kim’s 21st
And all the craziness that ensued,
Dear Lincoln Park Party Boys
Man you were really used.