Some random thought cluttering my mind on this, the first full day of spring…
• Before I went to college, I never did anything memorable on St. Patrick’s Day. Since I started college, I can’t remember a St. Patrick’s Day.
• I want to stage a sleepover in a public restroom in an effort to raise awareness for people who take things too literally.
• Speaking of bathrooms, a new favorite pastime of mine is to weigh my shits. Now, I don’t squat over a triple beam or anything like that. I simply weigh myself before and after the shit and assume that the turd accounts for the difference. (In extreme cases, water weight may be lost due to sweating from strenuous squeezing.) It really adds a nice touch of suspense to my daily deuces. As far as records are concerned, my friend Pat claims a 4-pounder. The best that I’ve logged is around 2 ½. I’m considering switching over to a bran and prune juice diet in order to make a run at the record.
• Every year, the town of Jupiter, FL plays host to spring training games. I understand this, but I still crack up every time the town is referenced without any mention of the home state. For example, this was posted on Rotoworld.com last week:
“Melvin Mora didn't play against the Marlins on Monday after he missed the bus to Jupiter.”
When asked to comment on the third baseman’s absence, Orioles’ manager Sam Perlozzo said that Mora would be available for the team’s trip through the circulatory system on Tuesday.
• I was driving home from work the other day and heard a commercial on the radio that just set me off. I forget what it was for exactly, but it’s not important. Anyway, in an effort to emphasize the company’s persistence, they used the following line: “Did Columbus just stop at the first place he landed?” Umm….YES. YES HE FUCKIN DID! He didn’t set out to discover America. He wanted to find a western route to India. That’s why the natives were called Indians and the Caribbean islands the Indies. Did anyone at this company do any sort of research before releasing this commercial? Better yet, did anyone there pass history in elementary school?
• Is there anyone who’s NOT in my MySpace extended network?
• Star athletes are the best at sports, star actors are the best at acting, but reality stars are the worst at life.
• I like to believe that the horses in bestiality porn are really just misguided colts trying to get into thoroughbred racing.