Facebook 2007: An Open Letter from Mark Zuckerberg

Hey everybody, Mark Zuckerberg here. For those who aren’t familiar with my name, not only am I the proud creator of Facebook (God, I miss the “the”), but I am also the lunatic who reportedly turned down an offer of millions—possibly billions—of dollars to sell the site to another company.

I mean, come on… only millions and millions of dollars? Who do these corporate assholes think they are, anyway? I’ve single-handedly built Facebook from the ground up, and it’s only going to get better. So I’m holding out for more money. I’m like the contestant on Deal or No Deal, constantly saying no to the banker until they offer an unreal amount of money. That show is soooo simple to win that I get bored watching it, and I’ve never even seen more than five minutes of it. But I get the gist of it. And that’s how I’m going to make my trillions.

But anyway, as you all know, the New Year is approaching, and we’ve got some great new features planned to go with it. Based on the overwhelmingly positive feedback for recently-added features such as the News Mini-Feed, our “sharing” option, and that random privacy “mixer” thing that I know you didn’t even bother using (bastards… although I have to be honest, I don’t even know what it is—James Wang stuck it into the site when I was out sick one day), we’re going ahead and launching even more great features!

I’m serious, we’re really going to raise the bar here, folks. I’m talking fully processed interconnectivity. I’m talking about advanced social interwebbing. I’m talking e-solutions and the glass ceiling. In other words, I am not fucking around here.

So without further ad— crap, hold on. Somebody just put me all-in on Pokerstars, give me a second….

Suck it, MisPAYCEluver. Yeah, that’s what you get for pushing me all-in. Hey, I didn’t know “the rail” was on your “Who I’d Like To Meet” list… ohhhhnohedidn’t!!

K back.

Alright, here’s the newest Facebook features that’ll be banging right at ya in the ‘07:

The Ex-Girlfriend Horrifier (A special, male-exclusive feature)

Ever think to yourself, “Wow, if my ex-girlfriend ever knew how often I creepily looked at tagged photos of her, she’d file a restraining order!” Oh…. really? Well, we’ve got some bad news. Every time you look through one of your ex’s albums or tagged photos, they’ll receive the following message: “Jim has viewed 57 photos of you over the last 12 minutes. Probability of masturbation: High.”

The Drunk Wall Posting Identifier

“Jim posted on your wall at 2:31 am. He then shamefully deleted it at 11:06 am.”

The Login Counter

“Stacy is online. For the 16^th time today.”

More Secure Privacy Options

Just kidding. Have fun avoiding those cameras we’ve installed in your dorms.

New “Friend Details” Options

How do you know Katie?

– Lived together
– Worked together
– Gave/received VD from this person
– We are tagged in the same picture as each other
– I was home for break, she’s my little brother’s friend, and I’m pretty sure she’s still in high school
– She wouldn’t know my name even if she caught me following her to her 9am every MWF
– I’m being used to make somebody else jealous
– I came back from the bar shithoused and just randomly friend requested as many hot chicks as I could

Private Message Auto-Responder (A special, female-exclusive feature)

“Hi, random guy from my school, it’s Jen! Listen, I gotta be honest, you sent me a message, and I’m pretty sure you think that by sending me a private message it somehow increases your odds that we’ll hang out together one-on-one sometime soon. But let’s cut to the chase, I only told you to Facebook me in the first place because I was being nice because you bought me a drink at the bar and you were kinda cute. In reality, my sorority sisters thought I was being a total slut when I let you feel me up on the dance floor, and now I think you’re creepy as hell. Please don’t talk to me again. (If this is a legitimate message from a legitimate friend, ignore this automated response and call me like a normal friend does.)”

Blacks Now Banned from Facebook

Because after watching the Kramer video in horrified disbelief over a thousand times this past week, I gotta be honest… he brings up some good points.

New Group Rules

Listen, I know for a fact that none of you assholes actually care about Darfur. So from now on, groups can only be created based on the following criteria: Bands (although I reserve the right to edit your group name to include the word “sucks”), Pro-Facebook Love, and Funny Shit, like “The Jessie Spano Caffeine Pill Breakdown Group.”

Exclusive Distribution Rights to the Britney Spears Sex Tape

Yeah, you read that right. You’re not going to find it on torrents, on LimeWire, or on porn sites. Only on Facebook will you have ability to view the Britney sex video once it is released. You’ll be the one with the bragging rights once your MySpace buddies learn that Tom acquired exclusive rights to the Screech sex tape.

Revealing the Definition of “Poke”

Okay, so back when we first created the concept of poking… I don’t know. I’m blaming that one on Wang too, that bastard. I had to do damage control, of course, so I came up with the following explanation of what poking really is:

“We have about as much of an idea as you do. We thought it would be fun to make a feature that had no real purpose and to see what happens from there. So mess around with it, because you're not getting an explanation from us.”

Ah, I sounded like such a douchebag, didn’t I? “Ohhhh it’ll be fun!! Yayyyy!! Let’s see what happens!!” I mean, come on… that’s the same line I used to convince my first girlfriend to finally give me a handjob… and uh, apparently I was a flaming tool back then, too.

Anyway, here’s the real definition of poking, revealed after years of secrecy:

So there you have it, I sincerely hope you enjoy the new features. Let’s make 2007 the best year for Facebook yet.

And keep sending in those suggestions, everybody! We take the time to read each and every one of your comments and ideas! And we just got this new shredder! So on behalf of the entire Facebook team, this is Mark Zuckerberg saying, “I have access to all hot girls’ tagged photos and have my own personal ‘Top 10 Best Racks’ list.”