14 Tips for Raising an Under-Litigious Baby

Congratulations on your new baby! We are sure you are overjoyed by what we consider to be a fleshy little liability. And while we have never met a baby or know what it is, we do have some advice that will protect you and the company going forward. Please heed these simple warnings so no one gets mad at us ever:

1. Do not touch your baby. Your baby might feel uncomfortable and sue.
2. Do not allow your baby to get wet in its first 24 hours. Should it get wet, it could feel uncomfortable and sue.
3. Give your baby a unique name. If anyone else shares your baby’s name and it does something that denigrates the image of all people with that name, the other people could sue. Try “Yucky Kevin.” We checked and no one is named “Yucky Kevin.”
4. If your baby is crying due to a personal conflict, please direct the baby to a neutral third party to resolve the issue, such as Sophie the Giraffe or our in-house legal team.
5. When you sing to your baby please use public-domain music.
6. When you sing the public domain song, please ensure that it’s not like, a super racist old song, since your baby might become offended and sue.
7. Do not drop the baby. It could explode and insurance won’t cover it.
8. Do not allow your baby to spread company (or state!) secrets.
9. Do not use flash photography on your baby until they have signed a media release, at which point– go nuts.
10. Do not take the baby to the corporate retreat in Vegas. The baby won’t be able to handle its shit and what if next year the trip is canceled? For some of us, it’s all we have left.
11. Don’t ask your baby how old it is, and if you come to find out, don’t tell a living soul.
12. Your infant child is entitled to a certain amount of sick leave. If it becomes sick, respect its medical boundaries and do not contact them until they are better.
13. Don’t shake the baby. That’s just in its contract.
14. If your baby is a blood relative, please provide adequate proof that they were still a merit-based choice for the position of “your baby.” You should be certain that this baby is the best baby, and have just about a million reasons that other babies would be inadequate in this role. Otherwise, those babies could sue.