Born by Accident, Cute on Purpose
Nana’s Li’l Alibi
Daddy’s Football Pal, but Definitely not Daddy’s Classical Music and Reading and Other Gay-Ass Shit Pal
Uncle’s Future MVP of the 1982 West Hovendale High School Baseball Team, Which He Totally Would Have Won if Becky Buckner Hadn’t Called Him a Slim-Dick for Not Taking Deadman’s Curve on Route 12 at 80 MPH in His Dad’s Ford Pinto and Then Hadn’t Offered Him a Follow-Up Dare to Ride His Brother’s 4-Wheeler Down the Northwest Side of Carcass Bluff into the West Hovendale Electric Eel Asylum, Which He Accepted and Which Fucked Up His Pitching Shoulder and Also His Sense of Smell
Daddy Says I Can Share Mommy’s Boobs with Him
Uncle’s Future Deadman’s Curve Stunt Driver
Future Sparkle Fairy Princess Ballerina Glitter Pony with Cherry Eyeliner (Sold Separately)
25% Mommy, 25% Daddy, 25% Mommy’s Yoga Coach, 15% Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Guy on Tinder Who Was Into Daddy and Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Lube, 100% PERFECT ME!
Grampa Loves Me, But Not as Much As If I Weren’t So Obviously Biracial
Uncle’s Future EMT, with a Focus on Orthopedic and Neurological Emergencies Related to Weird-Ass Electric Eels
Mommy Loves Me More
Daddy Loves Me More
If Daddy Wasn’t Such a Fat Slob Who Couldn’t Get His Ass Out of Bed to Change My Shitty Diaper at 4 AM, He Might Love Me More, But Really Mommy Loves Me More
Mama Used to Be Pro-Life, but Then I Did Too Much Poo
Uncle’s Future Guy Who Moved Out of His Parents’ Basement Because He Didn’t Get Involved with Becky Buckner and Didn’t Retire from Baseball at 17 and Didn’t Have to Deal with Lifelong Eel Complications