Problem: My bananas go bad before I have the chance to use them
Life Hack: Take some plastic and wrap it around the stem of the banana. This will give the banana a noticeably longer lifespan. This isn’t because of magic! The reasons this works are definitely scientific and in no way sorcerous
Problem: The crust of my pizza gets soggy when I microwave it
Life Hack: Try microwaving a glass of water along with your pizza! This will help keep the crust from getting soggy, due to mechanisms you could discover by empirical investigation! The evil spirits bound inside the world we visit in our nightmares simply aren’t involved! Why even bring them up?
Problem: There are scratches on the legs of my wooden coffee table
Life Hack: The solution to this common problem is as simple as it is elegant. Simply spread prick your finger with a needle, let one, and only one, drop of blood fall onto the center of the table, and then leave the house for the rest of the night. For scientific reasons, this will only work on a full moon, but you shouldn’t ask why.
Problem: My bananas are still going bad too quickly, and I already did the plastic thing
Life Hack: Think carefully about whether you want to go down this path. There are some life hacks man was not meant to know. A rotten banana may be a small price to pay for the delicate bliss which is ignorance.
Problem: Someone put a bunch of highlights in my book and I wish I could erase them
Life Hack: Nothing could be simpler. Acquire a candle made from the tallow of a hanged man. Set it in front of the book that’s been improperly highlighted and wait until exactly 12:00 to light it. When the candle has nearly burned out, whisper the name of the person who did the highlighting. In the morning, they will have vanished from their bed, never to be seen again.
Problem: Actually, I meant erase the highlights, not the person
Life Hack: Oh. Try lemon juice on a cotton swab.
Problem: My coffee table bleeds a dark ichor, which smells like despair
Life Hack: Something has gone wrong. That isn’t your coffee table. Fortunately, everything is okay as long as it doesn’t suspect that you know that. If you’re reading this article in the room with your coffee table do not look at it. Gather as many of your belongings as you can without appearing suspicious and find somewhere else to live.
Problem: The Church is accusing me of sorcery
Life Hack: Ugh, who hasn’t been there? Fortunately, there’s an elegant solution to this problem. Just say you’re doing life hacks, not sorcery. But don’t say where you got them from. We love making life hacks to help other people, but being thanked for it makes us so shy. That’s the only reason you shouldn’t tell the Church about us. But don’t do it.
Problem: I’ve thought about it carefully and discussed the matter with my family and loved ones, and, being of sound mind and sound body, I have decided I want the longer-lived bananas.
Life Hack: So be it. Simply call the name of the Beast three times in the night in a room with a mirror. When a figure, for scientific reasons, appears in the mirror holding a book bound in flesh, sign your name in it using your blood. I would explain how this works but it has to do with quantum mechanics or relativity, whichever you understand less. Don’t worry about it.
Alternately, you could make banana bread.