- Jacksonville, FL (too humid)
- A dairy farm (allergic to cows)
- Siberia (too cold, no McDonald’s)
- Wisconsin’s National Mustard Museum (I’m a ketchup man)
- The bottom of a well (likely wet, might get stuck)
- Back to my apartment (my roommate Greg and his girlfriend Kendra are still there watching Storage Wars and making the worst paella you could imagine)
- An iceberg (no thanks)
- Wichita, KS (can’t confirm, but seems boring)
- A political rally (somehow both boring and volatile)
- Bhutan (where even is that)
- The bathroom at my apartment (Greg lets Kendra dry and cure her homemade jerky there, and it smells like a thrift store wallet sandblasted with paprika—it’s hanging everywhere and there is so much of it I just cannot find the toilet)
- Ivory Coast (alarmingly high murder rate)
- A dog bris (unless there’s a cat mohel)
- Cote d’Ivoire (just a fancy French name for Ivory Coast)
- A restaurant where the theme is encephalitis (no matter how good the paella is)
- The parking lot at my apartment building (there’s no spot for my car because the hearse that Greg and Kendra bought from the ex-bassist of their Bauhaus cover band is taking up both tandem spots, and there’s no chance they’ve taken it out somewhere because neither of them renewed the registration, so it just sits in the spot gathering dust—I guess they still use it as a quiet spot to do Whip-Its and for Kendra to write her Boy Meets World fan fiction)
- Elvis’ grave (nobody in it)
- Jean-Paul Sartre’s apartment (no exit)
- Ohio
- Burger King (too cold, no McDonald’s)
- That park where Greg and Kendra hang out with their body-piercing friends (mainly the specific tree that they hang from by their body piercings, because I think one of the guys, Drexel, lives in the park, and if he spots me, it’s going to be a two-hour conversation about Tool and climate change, and honestly, I’ll never be in the mood)
- Coffee shop with no donuts (just a waste)
- Donut shop with no donuts (too absurd)
- Windsor Castle (no parking lot)
- A U2 concert (I borrowed the Edge’s copy of The Fountainhead, and if he sees me and mentions it, I’m going to have to admit that I accidentally dropped it into Greg’s deep fryer)
- Lizzie Borden’s House (too scary)
- Ruth’s Chris Steak House (not scary enough)
- Down to the basement (there’s something down there)
- Narnia (not even real, turns out)
- One of Kendra’s open mic stand-up sets (you would think that after years of bombing on stage, she’d give it up, but she refuses to let her comedy career go gently into that good night—even Greg couldn’t think of anything nicer to say about her last set than “it’s gotten a lot less antisemitic”)
- The bottom of the ocean (VERY far away)
- The very top of a flagpole (been there, meh)
- Gilligan’s Island (not a single luxury)
- Austin, TX (just kidding, Austin rules)
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