“Trader Joe’s Will Eliminate Ethnic Product Names Slammed As Racist” —Forbes, 7/20/20
“Letter Writers Are Unanimous: Keep Trader Joe's Ethnic Names” —LA Times, 7/25/20
Oh merciful Food God, we humbly beseech thee to be merciful for Trader José, who was of good heart, and whose ingredients always had jalapeños despite rarely being spicy.
To the Lord of all things merciful and delicious, may we learn from Trader Ming’s, who often brought back exotic and authentic dishes like “Kung Pao Cauliflower Tempura,” which felt like a random Asian names generator, but tasted not bad for cauliflower.
Let us sing the cleverest of songs for Trader Joe-San whose punny word play on the Japanese honorific translated to “Mr. Trader Joe.” Truly magnificent word play.
May peace come to Trader Giotto who is survived by Giuseppe Linguini, Porchini Vaspaghetti, and one vegan pizza.
Give us this day our daily bread from Trader Jacques, whose only life goal was to enrich us with salted butter and carbs. Their ham and cheese was heavenly, in the sense heaven too will require Lactaid.
Almighty Food Gods, giver of sustenance and nutrition, let us never forget Pilgrim Joe, a pious sailor on the Mayflour. My dog so loved their niche product line based on cranberries, pumpkins, and corn.
Keep us steadfast to Arabian Joe, whose offerings swept from Spinach Sriracha Pizza to Middle Eastern Flatbread bridged by some sort of falafel salad which only satiated the saddest of vegans.
Remember, lord, your people—the lonely bachelors, those sharing a Brooklyn efficiency apartment, liberal arts students—we come to you in our hour of need. Help guide these pure souls so they may rest wherever the Onion and Garlic Jam and the Beet Hummus are lain. Amen.