1. You will be bitten by a shark. (1 in 3.74 million)
2. You will be struck by lightning. (1 in 13,500)
3. You will meet a non-scary clown. (1 in 1.4 million)
4. You will be sucked into your television and become an animated version of yourself. Which is especially weird because the show you’re in is not animated. (1 in 7 billion)
5. Your next tweet will go viral, attracting the attention of your biggest celebrity crush and leading to a passionate affair. In the end, you will dump them for being too clingy. (1 in 40.3 billion)
6. You will wake to find that you are a sea otter. Look how cute you are with that clam shell! (1 in 62. People turn into otters a lot more often than you hear about.)
7. You will win an Oscar as a female director. (1 in like, a zillion)
8. You will be given a bag of magic beans. Because planting them is so cliché, you will eat them instead. You will shit gold turds for the rest of your days. (1 in 6, actually)
9. You will win the Kentucky Derby. As the horse. (1 in 62. People turn into horses a lot more often than you hear about.)
10. You will be killed by a vending machine, but not in the usual way. This vending machine will learn to walk and talk. It will befriend you, then it will eat you. (1 in 28 million)
11. You will set the world record for how many grapes you can fit in your butthole. (1 in 3)
12. Your future self will travel back in time and tell you the secrets of the universe. You will ask future you to give you the information for a perfect bracket, but then instead ignore your own future knowledge, say “psssh,” and still pick Gonzaga to win, you absolute asshole. (1 in 62,000)
13. Your partner will finally agree to that new sex thing you’ve been wanting to try. (1 in 9.1 billion)
14. Your house in Kansas will get swept up in a tornado with you in it and will land in a new and enchanted place: Nebraska. You will walk around saying, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” over and over, attempting to get people to high five you. Apparently, you do this because you think it’s funny. It’s not funny. (1 in 425,872)
15. As in Kafka’s Metamorphosis, you will awaken as a bug, but unlike that tragic tale, you will thrive in this form, and create your own colony of bugs who used to be humans. (1 in 62. People turn into bugs and form colonies of former humans who are now bugs a lot more often than you hear about. The mainstream media does not want you to know about this.)
16. You will have the gift of perfect premonition bestowed upon you (1 in 1.2 trillion). You will still not pick a perfect bracket.