First Law of Freelancer Motion
A freelancer at rest will stay at rest unless that state is changed by an impending deadline.
Second Law of Freelancer Motion
Wearing something other than wine-stained sweatpants and a hoodie with your college logo on it is equal to changes in human interaction (normal clothes = public places x friends or family in the same city).
Third Law of Freelancer Motion
For every “Top 10 Chris Evans’ Hottest Photoshoot” pitch accepted there is an equal and opposite “I Reread the Book That Made Me Question My Sexuality” pitch rejected.
Conservation of Work Output
For any system closed to all transfers of attention via Twitter, the box of Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups in the freezer or a cat lying on the keyboard for attention, the output of work will remain the same.
Principle of Constancy of Speed of Editor’s Emails
The speed of an editor’s response to a pitch after the two week period outlined in the publication’s submission guidelines has passed is constant.
Law of Invoice Gravity
An invoice attracts attention in direct proportion to the combination of Kyle in Accounting’s attention span and the “new” payroll system that will ultimately be blamed for late payment. It is inversely related to the amount of time since the invoice has been sent.
Principle of Tax Relativity
The law of taxes are the same for all freelancers and all freelancers will be audited by the IRS.
Archimedes Principle of Work-Life Balance
When a freelancer is partially or totally immersed in buying groceries for the week, they experience a push to respond to a client email marked “URGENT” equal to the weight of dread over eating only Ramen for the fifth week in a row.
Law of Conservation of Blogging Energy
The energy to maintain a freelancer’s own blog can not be created nor destroyed, but it can be transformed into energy to write sponsored content for Casper Mattress.
Schrödinger's Response
When a freelancer refuses to open an editor's response to a pitch it so that it is simultaneously accepted and rejected.